Damn it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soldier83, Mar 2, 2012.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I had everything ready. I had certain aforementioned pills out and ready to go. My wife came home early... This is always the case, I finally get up the nerve to do what I need to do and something screws it up. I'm so tired. Tired of feeling useless, tired of failing at everything I try. I'm a horrible father, a miserable husband, a bad son, a pathetic brother, a useless uncle, and a sorry excuse for a soldier. Funny things... all I wanted to do was fly helicopters.
  2. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly :hug: What is making you feel this way? My PM box is always open if you need someone to listen.
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    so how did you get a wife and son/daughter if you're so useless.

    I can only dream of what you have.
  4. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Which is EXACTLY why I always feel like this. Everyday I look at my kids and think that someone else would be a better parent for them. I'm useless because I cant get these thoughts and feeling out of my head. I tried to get into the military's ace program but since i'm only a reservist I cant. God i just want this anger towards myself to stop! I just want to wake up with a smile on my face like everyone else! What the hell is wrong with me?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2012
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Soldier83, people who think they are bad fathers or sons etc usually are not, because they think about it. Where does this anger come from? Why do you feel you are a bad father?
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Soldier83. I wish life was easier for you atm. Would you consider seeing a counselor to get to the root of these feelings and thoughts? It's hard to talk about these things, I know, but a good counselor makes it easier to talk and is someone who listens and asks questions that help us figure ourselves out. You could speak with your family doctor and s/he might refer you to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist if your family doc doesn't do counseling him/herself. I found counseling was directed reflection on my past so that I understand my present feelings better. However you choose to deal with these feelings, I hope you continue to post here and hope you feel better soon.
  7. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I dont know how to be one... thats why. My Dad left when I was 10 and my mom shacked up with any two bit dumbass that would up her career. She got re-married when I was 14 and moved in with him, but she wouldn't let me come with her. So I had so start paying rent and utilities on a run down house that was in her name. I had to get a job, but since I was under the working age the only thing I could get was working on a watermelon farm cutting watermelons. Which was really fun for my grades in high school.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    But you did what you gad to do in very hard circumstances, so young... congratulations. But you did not make these problems, you solved them. That is the sort of thing that makes a good father.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Soldier83, many people who were not treated well as kids become great parents - because they know what NOT to do.

    I think the hard thing for you right now is that you're looking back and might be yearning for a childhood and the kind of parenting that all children want, but that you didn't have. You know what was missing and wrong.

    You've got a chance now to share your kids' childhoods and to be the good parent to them that you wished you'd had...At the same time, you can be a kind of parent to yourself, too, by being good to yourself and believing in yourself. What your mother did was just not a good thing to do for you as a 14-year-old. But it doesn't mean that you are no good or are less deserving or will be a bad parent or husband. In fact, I think you could be proud of yourself for surviving all that. You're stronger and better than you're giving yourself credit for.
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