damn its all fubar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cpt-Fantastic, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    i have no idea how to say this, my mind is going crazy. it feels like my skull only hides 2 pounds of protein spaghetti. i cant properly think no more, to the world im hiding it even though i want to tell someone but i cant trust noone. i dont feel that connection with anyone anymore, when i went to the psychologist i tried to tell her, but couldnt do it. i couldnt find the words, and even if i did tell her whats on my mind and how suicidal i am it makes me feel like im such a pansy, and inside that woman will laugh her butt off. somehow it might sound strange but because she is kind of hot i cant tell her the truth it feels like i have to demonstrate value to her and that im a tough guy or something but i cant tell anyone even though inside im going crazy. and even rationaly, besides the emotional aspect. my life sucks, i think if i die it would be the best for everyone, friends i got none. just tonight i know this girl for months, weve been hanging out for a long time so now i didnt know i thought i was bringing her down so stopped contacting her, but she kept on calling me and emailing me and trying to get in touch so i wanted to go to her (she lives quite a while away) but i got snowed in so i couldnt go to her, right at that moment she calls. so i thought i shouldnt pick up, i want to see her in real life and talk with her and shit. but i pick up. she asks if ill come online, i come online she starts ranting that i didnt get in touch with her for 5 weeks (understandable really, but maybe it was for the better that we didnt have contact during that time i was depressed and didnt want her to be brought down but maybe those are just excuses) so i come online and i explain to her that i didnt want to do this over the phone or email or something and she starts saying that she doesnt want me to come untill summer, i ask her why? and then she drops the bomb. "you keep being the drama treehill queen angst saying that you love me, i dont love you and want you to 'cool down' and after you are cooled down you can come to me" this shit triggered alot of events, it put shit in overdrive, dont know if ill make it through the night. i wanted to xxxx of it but logistical problems make that difficult spooking myself because its super dark and stuff there and im not that tough) but i have no idea, i have some xxxxx, and can go out withdraw my last money to a bar get completely wasted xxxxx everything i can find and thenxxxxx dont want to let the asshole fucking neighbours find me,
    fuck.

    now enjoying some old nirvana songs and thinking about lighting a joint. i wish i had liquor
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling so awful...please find a way to talk to your therapist about this...she will probably cry inside if she is worth anything...or if finding her attractive is getting in your way, talk about that...talk about something meaningful that will help you...or tell her you cannot talk to her and get a referral for someone you can talk to...but start talking...write a list of things you want to talk about, send an email if she accepts them...but talk...big hugs, J
     
  3. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    You need a new doctor if you can't tell your current one what's going on.
     
  4. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    its strange how time plays such a big factor in my feelings, when i wrote that an hour ago i felt like dieing, now not 50 minutes later. it feels like im fine, havent even touched a joint or liquor even nirvana right now is off
     
  5. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    Exact same thing happens to me. At one point I want to crash my car in a tree, and a few hours later, I feel fine.
     
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