Damn my dad for saving me.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Mar 27, 2007.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    My parents told me that I was born prematurely, weighed just a bit over 2 pounds, very very weak, and on the verge of death but that my dad saved me by taking me to a nearby hospital (This was in India).

    Man, why did my dad have to save my life? I mean, what if God wanted to kill me, what if I wasn't supposed to have been conceived and so God just wanted to kill me right then and fix the mistake?

    I wish I was never born, my life is totally pathetic and empty, I am the biggest loser alive, and then I feel resentment because I'm worse off than all of you but I'm still ignored and treated as a freak, that I shouldn't be depressed and suicidal and I have every right to be.

    This is making me more depressed, its just two months and one day to the 20th anniversary of my pathetic life so maybe thats why I am thinking about this. Why the fuck was I born and survived, should I loathe my dad for saving me and having me lead this fucked up life or appreciate him for saving my life? I SHOULD be feeling the latter no? I think I could have and should have turned out to be a normal person but I'm not, I have a very boring and pathetic life, nothing to life for I think, just why the fuck am I living when so many other people deserve to more? This is really making me sad.

    And I have no suicide plan or anything but feel that I will kill myself pretty soon, (dunno how "soon"). There is just no way I can keep living like this empty shell of shit I am for much longer. But I am so afraid of what happens after death, to pain my stupid family, since I am a loser and failure, I know I'll just mess up the attempt and end up mutilated and in a lot of pain and shit.

    I am FUCKING TRAPPED. Trapped in this disgusting life of mine and afraid of death as well. I am the most screwed up person alive. And my stupid fucking dad thinks taking a bit of anti-depressants will make me feel all better, stupid bastard. Has no idea how depressed I am or my feelings but then again, I don't tell him. Nobody would understand, even I don't fully understand but I am not fucking crazy for feeling this way, I feel that if anyone else was in my position right now, he/she would have already killed themselves. I am in such a horrible position here!!!!! I have been for so long!!! Why me!?!? I am a human being with feelings and emotions and as I right this, I am feeling so sad, depressed, down, have a headache, why am I suffering like this, why was I born to suffer like this? I think I really should kill myself as God never meant for me to live anyways!

    Please someone help me, IF I can even be fucking helped, I'm feeling really low and depressed, I dunno what to do, my life is shit and will continue to be shit, wait, unless I can change my outlook? I wish I could at least start life all over again, life can be great, but mine turned out to be shit, if only all of you knew how fucked up and utterly pathetic and empty and boring I am, I have nothing!!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2007
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Whoops I should have posted this in the "Let It All Out" section. Fuck it, I'm just a loser and this thread won't get that much attention anyways. :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
  3. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    Don't blame your dad...he obviously cares about you, and that should be one good reason you have to live. Why do you feel like you're a loser? What are you defining as "normal" anyway?

    Why do you feel that God wanted to kill you? If He allowed you to be saved, then maybe He meant for you to live.

    You're right, you are a human being with feelings and emotions, and you have no reason to feel like you're inferior to everyone else. You shouldn't feel like you're "worse off" than the rest of us...we can all understand the pain of depression. If you feel this low, maybe you should consider medication. Anti-depressants may not just make everything all better, but they may help. If you're feeling this bad, then it's at least worth a shot. You deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else, so give yourself a chance and at least try going to a doctor.

    Take care. :hug:
  4. zwishenzug

    zwishenzug Member

    I don't have the energy to say the normal, rote, helper phrases so I'll just tell you what I think and it will be bald and blunt.

    How can you change your outlook if all you see is boring, disgusting, empty. Do you really want to be interesting, delightful, and full?

    Life is a balance between what we do, what we think, and what we feel. If you fuck with one part, you fuck with them all. OR if a disease like depression fucks with one, it fucks with them all.

    You need to decide for yourself how your combination of actions, thoughts, and emotions feeds your despair. If you can do that, you can fight back by changing something. I'm sure you've heard something like this before.

    Oh, and by the way, stop Shoulding on yourself. You should think, feel, or do whatever is best for you, not whatever most people think, feel, or do.
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you feel that way hun. Your depression and self esteem seem to be doing you in. But honestly, you are sweet, caring, polite, intelligent, insightful. I see all this in you because we can't stand back and look at who we really are, it's so much easier for us to see the goodness and good in another than in ourselves. You've seen my strengths and weaknesses, and all I see is weaknesses in myself, and that's all you see in you but we can stand back and look at eachother and see it. I'm glad he saved you. :hug: You really are a great person hun, we can see it in you.

  6. no_name_

    no_name_ Guest

    First off, I'm not in the helper mood. Right now I feel like killing someone, but I also feel like responding to you, because you responded to one of my threads in the past, can't say which one.

    Anyway, gotta ask you:

    Honestly, where do you think you're going to go when you die? Do you think there's going to be an afterlife, or pure oblivion? Are you not afraid of the possibility of Hell, or even the possibility of losing your entire concious?

    For me, that's what frightens me the most...that this life is all there really is. That after death, you won't have a self anymore- you'd be obsolete, without feeling, without thinking- you simply won't exist. But then again there is the possibility of Hell, that after you die you'll be ultimately held accountable for all that you've done. Eternal torment in the flames of anguish.

    Basically we're all born to die. Each second inevitably brings us closer to that day, and there's no other alternative, since no other statistic has been so accurate- All 10 out of 10 will eventually die.

    I pondered about this matter for several months now, and I came up with this conclusion. Have you ever heard of Pascal's Wager? Well it's exactly like that.

    The way I see it, we live in a fallen generation. Yes, its the technological age, people are much more broad-minded than they were just decades ago, there's widespread knowledge, more opportunities, and even more compassion in some areas. Despite everyone's claims that human beings are more civilized now, I can't help but think that we're not. Back then, people acted like savages because they were simply ignorant, and the justice systems were severely flawed. Now we lack excuses.

    Not only the fall of morals, but more importantly the fall of beliefs. Some of us are like hopeless nomads wandering around in the desert, seeking to inflate ourselves with the empty air of trivial philosophy- which never really succeeds in proving anything but only adding to burden, since we all know ignorance is bliss. Seeing a pool of water some refuse to even go near it, suspicious that it might turn out to be nothing more than a mirage, and already labeling it as such before further investigation. Some are afraid of being dissapointed, others are scornful, many are in doubt, and so on and so forth.

    The truth is, we're never going to know. Ever. What comes after this. But this is all I have to say:

    It's better to cling onto a religious belief, favorably christianity, rather than remaining an agnostic or maybe even an atheist. For those whom already accepted their fate- those who believe that this life is all there is-they must be some of the bravest people alive on earth. There's nothing wrong with that, and I doubt that anything would be able to change their minds. However if you're struggling like me with endless questions- the whys, the whats, the hows, etc. then it's better to believe in something. Pascal's Wager. There's no harm in believing. Because if in the end it turns out to be false, then you'd never know it. Your fate would've been the same either way- belief or no belief. However, if it turned out to be true in the end- well then, you've saved yourself from that fate. Either way, there's a benefit in believing, and there exists the possibility that unbelief might in fact be detrimental to you in the end.

    That's just the way I see it, not trying to change anyone's beliefs, just stating my own opinions. Hope I gave you a little something to think about.
  7. no_name_

    no_name_ Guest

    Shit forgot to say something.

    I don't believe God hates you. Are you talking about the christian god? If you are well I'm going to say that I don't think he truly hates...depressed, humble, and weary suicidal people. Because it says somewhere in the bible that God is "close to the broken-hearted, and the weak in spirit." Also: life is too short to waste moaning. Live happy! Since this is one life we're living, we shouldn't be too deterred by temporary circumstances and situations, since they're not gonna last forever. Doubts and fears might stick around, but it's better to just...live, to live.
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Try not to be angry at your dad. He loves you, you are his baby. Of course he wanted to save you.

    Also, please don't think your life "turned out" a certain way. I know depression makes you feel like you're 80, but you really are so young, and you can decide to do anything you want with your life.

    Do you have school or a job? I'm having trouble figuring out why you feel like such a loser.

    Also, you might want to try the anti-depressants your father suggested. I know it seems like it belittles your problems, but sometimes depression is largely chemical and can be fixed with medication. However, if you try them, you could find yourself feeling worse (if that is the case STOP immediately and get a new script). I had this experience and it was awful (really bad thoughts), but I told my doc and he got me on something that worked.

    Also, if you were meant to be dead, you would be. God does have a plan for you here, even if you can't see it right now.

    Try to do something that makes you feel good: exercise releases endorphins, which make you feel better, or even a hobby or school or a job.

    And try talking to your parents. They really do love you and they want the best for you.
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