My parents told me that I was born prematurely, weighed just a bit over 2 pounds, very very weak, and on the verge of death but that my dad saved me by taking me to a nearby hospital (This was in India). Man, why did my dad have to save my life? I mean, what if God wanted to kill me, what if I wasn't supposed to have been conceived and so God just wanted to kill me right then and fix the mistake? I wish I was never born, my life is totally pathetic and empty, I am the biggest loser alive, and then I feel resentment because I'm worse off than all of you but I'm still ignored and treated as a freak, that I shouldn't be depressed and suicidal and I have every right to be. This is making me more depressed, its just two months and one day to the 20th anniversary of my pathetic life so maybe thats why I am thinking about this. Why the fuck was I born and survived, should I loathe my dad for saving me and having me lead this fucked up life or appreciate him for saving my life? I SHOULD be feeling the latter no? I think I could have and should have turned out to be a normal person but I'm not, I have a very boring and pathetic life, nothing to life for I think, just why the fuck am I living when so many other people deserve to more? This is really making me sad. And I have no suicide plan or anything but feel that I will kill myself pretty soon, (dunno how "soon"). There is just no way I can keep living like this empty shell of shit I am for much longer. But I am so afraid of what happens after death, to pain my stupid family, since I am a loser and failure, I know I'll just mess up the attempt and end up mutilated and in a lot of pain and shit. I am FUCKING TRAPPED. Trapped in this disgusting life of mine and afraid of death as well. I am the most screwed up person alive. And my stupid fucking dad thinks taking a bit of anti-depressants will make me feel all better, stupid bastard. Has no idea how depressed I am or my feelings but then again, I don't tell him. Nobody would understand, even I don't fully understand but I am not fucking crazy for feeling this way, I feel that if anyone else was in my position right now, he/she would have already killed themselves. I am in such a horrible position here!!!!! I have been for so long!!! Why me!?!? I am a human being with feelings and emotions and as I right this, I am feeling so sad, depressed, down, have a headache, why am I suffering like this, why was I born to suffer like this? I think I really should kill myself as God never meant for me to live anyways! Please someone help me, IF I can even be fucking helped, I'm feeling really low and depressed, I dunno what to do, my life is shit and will continue to be shit, wait, unless I can change my outlook? I wish I could at least start life all over again, life can be great, but mine turned out to be shit, if only all of you knew how fucked up and utterly pathetic and empty and boring I am, I have nothing!!!!!!!!!!!