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Damn this is hard!

#1
As I sit here typing this I listen to my husband’s laughter as he watches a tv show, my son called and said their baby will be coming next week, my daughter is as happy as ever....I have more than enough money, a paid for house, new car, etc...yet I cannot stand myself....one trauma, one incident changed my life at the age of 59 (I am now 62). I do not want to die yet this living thing has just become so stinking hard. Before all this I was so happy, was feeling good physically and mentally, had just retired, etc. Had planned the rest of my days to be carefree with vacations, etc... Instead I visit psychiatrists, try different medicines, don’t exercise at all and sit around eating and just getting the basics done. Went back to church in the hopes of getting help there....yet I am as suicidal as ever. Then to top it all off, my husband walks in and tells me how much he loves me. I cannot hurt my family so I stay....not to mention that my husband said that if I hurt myself he will do the same to himself....plus I fear going to hell....talk about being stuck In a no win situation.
Thankful for bedtime as it all stops then.
How the heck does one keep doing this....you can only fake it for so long...
As always, thanks for listening.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#2
Is there a reason you don't feel that you can let your family (at least your husband) know how you're truthfully feeling? Just from what you've written, it sounds like they would want the opportunity to support you.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#3
nstead I visit psychiatrists, try different medicines,
Does this help at all?

one trauma, one incident changed my life at the age of 59 (I am now 62). I do not want to die yet this living thing has just become so stinking hard.
I'm sorry your life changed just like that. This is pretty much how mine changed too. Learning to live with it has been difficult because I tend to look back and crave what was, when I was me and mostly happy. Most of the time I have had to figure how to live with it on my own. I think once you decide you want to, you will learn what works for you.

I am not a professional but if you ever feel like talking about the incident, I'm a good listener ..
 
#4
Does this help at all?



I'm sorry your life changed just like that. This is pretty much how mine changed too. Learning to live with it has been difficult because I tend to look back and crave what was, when I was me and mostly happy. Most of the time I have had to figure how to live with it on my own. I think once you decide you want to, you will learn what works for you.

I am not a professional but if you ever feel like talking about the incident, I'm a good listener ..
It does help to know I am not alone...my story is so complex...as I am sure most everyone’s is. You don’t just wake up one day and say you want to end it all.
I really do not know how to live with it....that’s the problem..and it has been 3 years...in addition I hurt someone along the way...not physically...yet nonetheless I hurt them..so add guilt to the mix...it stinks.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#5
It does help to know I am not alone...my story is so complex...as I am sure most everyone’s is. You don’t just wake up one day and say you want to end it all.
I really do not know how to live with it....that’s the problem..and it has been 3 years...in addition I hurt someone along the way...not physically...yet nonetheless I hurt them..so add guilt to the mix...it stinks.
Sorry, I meant do the meds and psychiatry help?

Yes... everyone's story is complex. I didn't wake up one day and say I want to end it all. I woke up one day in horrible physical pain and said I want to end it all after there was no hope of ending the pain. It took me 9 years to learn how to live with it. and I'm here, so clearly it's a struggle still.

may I ask why you're hesitant to talk about your story? There's no pressure to talk about it especially if you don't want to. I just thought it might be a relief to let out. Opening up about my pain really helped to begin with.

The person you hurt, have you tried to rectify the hurt?
 
#6
Sorry, I meant do the meds and psychiatry help?

Yes... everyone's story is complex. I didn't wake up one day and say I want to end it all. I woke up one day in horrible physical pain and said I want to end it all after there was no hope of ending the pain. It took me 9 years to learn how to live with it. and I'm here, so clearly it's a struggle still.

may I ask why you're hesitant to talk about your story? There's no pressure to talk about it especially if you don't want to. I just thought it might be a relief to let out. Opening up about my pain really helped to begin with.

The person you hurt, have you tried to rectify the hurt?
Not to make light of your situation, but I wish mine was physical pain...that I could deal with...
I have rectified the hurt...I just can’t forgive myself. All of this was brought on by trauma.
no...therapy and meds have yet to help.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#7
Not to make light of your situation, but I wish mine was physical pain...that I could deal with...
I have rectified the hurt...I just can’t forgive myself. All of this was brought on by trauma.
no...therapy and meds have yet to help.
I guess you wouldn't know that until you deal with constant excruciating pain. Try living with physical pain on top of trauma, loss, shame, anxiety, depression and everything else you have to do daily. Anyone who says they'd prefer it doesn't know what it's like.

I am sorry you are living with trauma and I am very sorry it is controlling your life. everyone here has a unique story that ultimately brings them all to this point, suicidal thoughts. To me it seems you think no one will understand because yours is different, but many of us have emotion behind our trauma that can be relatable.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
 

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