Damn.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by soapymongoose, Feb 5, 2013.

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  1. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I ended up on a bridge over a very turbulent River Thames at about 5am Sunday morning after a family gathering. Without really thinking. I'm now scared to leave my house, check that. I'm now scared to get out of bed.

    If this past few weeks happened a few years ago it would have finished me. I need to acknowledge I have some serious stuff, but acknowledge it properly.

    I'm really fucking scared. Of myself. Again.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry hun you are in such a painful place right now I hope you can reach out now and get some help from your doc ok call a crisis line talk to someone hun h ugs
     
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    "If this past few weeks happened a few years ago it would have finished me. I need to acknowledge I have some serious stuff, but acknowledge it properly."

    This para says a yell of a lot about how far you've come. May not, probably doesn't feel like that. Certainly looks like you've moved a long way forward.
    Agreeing with Total Eclipse that you need support if you haven't already got it.
     
  4. soapymongoose

    soapymongoose Well-Known Member

    I feel like I can't go to anybody. I've only recently formed a close relationship with my closest family member, my mother. We've each been through our own stuff so it's taken so long, even though we've always been there for each other, we've never been angry, like I have been at my father and stepfather. But I have stuff I can't even think about, I blurted out to my grandfather over the weekend about my abuse as a child. Then within an hour I was standing looking down at the water. I had a cigarette in my hand, I don't remember lighting one. I don't know why I suddenly stopped. I did the same thing when I was 22, blurted out to my mother and stepfather round a restaurant table about being abused. My stepfather was pissing me off, telling us that the reason he was so abusive to us for years was someone in business screwed him over. What a fucking dick.

    I've just realised I shouldn't be writing this here really. I can't go to my family though, they think I've come through the worst, and they deserve to be happy. I feel like it's only getting worse. I've just told my best friend what happened, I feel awful for doing it. II've wrote him a message, he's at work. He has issues of his own :(

    I don't want to be a drain to anyone, but I think I will be. I'm going to try to go to the doctor's but I really don't know what to say. I don't remember ever feeling this bad in my life and I thought I'd felt everything. I'm just drinking (and the rest) because I can't function.
     
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