Damn

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TheLoneWolf, Nov 6, 2013.

  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm even more fucked up than I thought. I can't even come to a support forum for support. The people here think I'm toxic or destructive or hopeless or scary or whatever. It's funny, they all think I should be taking medication that makes me feel like a zombie who wouldn't shed a tear if my own mother was brutally slaughtered right in front of me, and somehow that's "normal"? Right, cause it's normal to not cry when something bad happens to you... at least that's what they want me to believe. My whole life has been one bad thing after another, and yet somehow, people expect me to be happy. They think that my alcohol use is to blame for my depression - really? I've been suicidal since the age of 12. I didn't start drinking until I was 16. I quit all drugs and alcohol at the age of 23. I went 7 years drug and alcohol free, and my life didn't get better. I still wanted to kill myself. I cry more when I'm sober than I do when I'm drunk. Alcohol doesn't make me numb. It just makes my shitty life slightly more bearable.

    I'm not "clinically depressed". If anything, I have a mild form of Asperger's. "High functioning" autism. I'm mad and sad about the fact that I can't make and maintain normal relationships with other people. Does that make me crazy? Is it really that fucking odd to be upset over the fact that I don't have any friends and I can't find a girlfriend? Of course I'm upset. Goddammit, you would be upset too if you were in my shoes. Scientists have proven that human beings require both physical and social interaction in order to feel happy and normal. I'm in permanent "fight or flight" mode with zero, and I mean zero love, "cuddle" or relaxation mode. Quit treating me like it's abnormal for me to be unhappy about the fact that nobody likes me. You would be sad too if nobody liked you. You people with your friends and family and loved ones. Why don't you try living alone, and I mean completely alone, no friends, no family, no one coming to visit you, ever. Then maybe throw in a dash of child abuse in your history, and maybe have the love of your life die of a terminal disease just for good measure. Yeah. Now tell me how you feel, after going through that. Tell me how you feel after being bullied and being the laughingstock of your school. Tell me how you feel after your own mother laughs at you while you're crying. Walk a mile in my shoes, then tell me how you feel. Then presume to know what's wrong with me. Go ahead, play doctor, prescribe me some medications. Tell me how this is all my fault. It's my fault that my parents divorced at the age of 7. It's my fault that my own mother never loved me. It's my fault that I'm ugly and dorky and awkward. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. Go ahead, tell me why I'm such a bad person. Tell me what I did to deserve this.
     
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I think I should write a book. I shall title it, "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People". It will be purchased by no one, and hailed by critics as being "horrifying" and "hauntingly depressive".

    Maybe that is my schtick. I have an uncanny ability to drive people away. People email me, I reply, and they never reply back, simply because my own replies are so disturbing that they are left absolutely speechless. I love the fact that people hate me. I really do. It is my raison d'etre. If not for my ability to make people utterly despise me, I would be nothing. The sad part is that I'm not even trying to get people to hate me. I want them to like me. That's how much of a failure I am.
     
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Never mind. Just ignore me. Everyone else does. I'm a "troublemaker", a "rebel", a "rabble rouser". I'm a "problem". An "obstacle", a "bad influence" who prevents other people from finding their own recovery. I wish you all the best. This is a good website, honestly. Better than the others. I'm beyond help. Nobody has the will or the energy to try to help me. Everything is my own fault. I'm "difficult", "incurable". Etc., etc., etc. Whatever. I'm sorry for intruding on everyone else's problems. I'm just venting, apparently to myself, because no one else will listen, because no one else cares. And why should any of you, really... you shouldn't. I'm sure you all have better things to do with your time.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    On your three messages, each was written just minutes apart and not really leaving any time for us to read them, let alone to respond that quickly. I think we all have a story here that, while not exactly the same, has the same type of root cause aftermath results for us. We either learn to cope, or we continue to spiral down. I prefer to think that by sharing with your peers (that would be the other people here), you might find discoveries of coping methods and also not feel so alone in those things which are wrong. Stick around and continue to talk with us.
     
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know what you're saying... I wasn't expecting a quick response. But if you looked at my profile, you'd realize that I'm not new here. I'm not looking for a method to cope. I know how to cope. I've been "coping" for over 20 years. I'm looking for happiness. Most of the regulars here know who I am, and they don't like me. I can't say I blame them. I wouldn't like me either, if I was someone else. Oh how I wish I was somebody else.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am a regular here and I have no reason not to like you. I am sure I am not alone.
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm a regular here, and I happen to like you a lot. You called me your best friend, and you know the feeling is mutual. I may not always have the answers for everything, but I'll always be willing to listen. No matter how much or how little you may need to vent, either on here or to me, don't ever feel that you need to keep it inside.
     
  8. aqua

    aqua Banned Member

    I am so sorry for all that you have gone through, the abuse a bad childhood, neglect having no friends, sorry for the lost of a loved one, I hear the hurt and pain you are going through, it seems people do care for you here, I don't know you but if you ever want to talk, pm me I will listen I will be a friend,
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    See you are not alone as you thought hugs toyou
     
  10. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You are my best friend - perhaps my only friend anymore, sadly.
     
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Hey, quality is better than quantity. :p
     
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You seem to feel people here don't like you, but I don't think that's true. I care, and I know that are others who feel the same way.
     
  13. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty sure I have alienated virtually everybody here in some way by now. I know I'm not easy to talk to, you yourself admitted that sometimes you don't know the right words to say, you're afraid of saying the wrong thing to me, etc. I know, I'm emotional, obnoxious, opinionated, all those things. Most people just don't have the patience or the energy to put up with my shit. I can't blame them. I have a hard time putting up with myself... I mean, if you think it's bad having to listen to me on here, just think of how bad it must be having to listen to thoughts like this all day, every day, inside your own mind. My brain literally never shuts the hell up. I overanalyze everything, I'm constantly self conscious, I can't relax to save my life. It's like a 24 hour news feed playing in my head, telling me everything that sucks about my life, reminding me of all of my failures, constantly pointing out how stupid I look and how ridiculous I must sound to other people, questioning everything, worrying about everything, wondering what other people are thinking about me, are they laughing at me or with me? What if I make a fool of myself? Don't make eye contact with them, they might get the wrong idea... don't talk to her, she doesn't want to talk to you... mind your own business, people don't want to be bothered with your crap... uh oh, somebody just asked me a personal question, how do I respond? I don't want to tell them the truth, but I don't want to create an intricate web of lies that are impossible to keep track of either... just say nothing at all, tell them you'd rather not talk about it, mutter something incomprehensible and maybe they'll drop the subject... etc. etc. etc. Somebody says something that touches a nerve with me, and I go off, then instantly regret it afterwards, but it's too late, the damage has been done, now everybody thinks I'm psychotic, and they'll all be talking about me behind my back...

    I know this all sounds very neurotic. And it is. I wasn't always this way. I used to be happily and confidently narcissistic. Then one day I realized that other people don't hold me in the same high regard that I held myself. I realized that other people actually despise me. A true narcissist would have been okay with that. But I wasn't. It truly bothered me. Here I thought that I was this smart, funny, charming, creative person, and it turned out that all along I had been living a lie. It was that sudden realization that gave me a complex. Now I'm constantly torn between the desire to be liked by other people and the desire to just be myself. It seems I can have one or the other, but not both. It's incredibly frustrating for me, because I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not, but at the same time, I don't want to be picked on or ignored or rejected, either.