Had a really bad night. Despite taking sleeping tablets. Got about an hour's sleep and then spent the rest of the night having flash backs and panic attacks. I could smell the whiskey on my abuser's breath as he leaned over me, and I could feel everywhere his hands went. Then I could hear every word and feel every punch that my ex husband delivered. It got to around 2am in the morning and I was feeling like my head was going to explode. So I cut. I cut my arm several times. I still didn't feel better, so I started in on my thumb nail. I almost pulled the whole nail off. Then pulled out several handfulls of hair. My friend has been round and she has dressed my arm and put a plaster on my thumb. But despite this I still don't feel better. Normally after I cut, I get this sense of relief. But that just is not there this time. This is making me really scared about how much further I might go. I feel like sh**.