Dana

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Scully, Oct 11, 2009.

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  1. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    My birth name is alexandra, a torture since I was a very small child. I changed for Sophie, my middle name, about two years ago. All the issues I had just got worse. It's just for the institutions, not to have to use al.... Anymore. But Sophie isn't me. I've been called Dana in my close circle. For 10/15 years. It's me. I began to my own right to be me. My character is really mine now, not the one to fit to an abusive legal father, who might not even be my birth father. A beated mother, whom I saw agonised of cancer for years. Or the catholic, stern education then. Rape then. Now I'm a free thinker and a writer. I do little jobs. My work Life is a catastrophe. Society Life too, out of friends and some family.

    I've been on meds, therapy and sick leave for 6 months. My insomnias have gotten worse two years ago. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I'm waiting for test results to see if there's something. I'm sure neurotic. I mean, I'm still alive after all that. But borderline? Other? I used to cut and hadn't done it in 8 years until last week. I drink alcohol, evenings when my partner's not there. It's not often. But now I drink daytime. Twice last week.

    I don't feel recognized as a person, just a name on some sheets. In what does it bother the law? I say law because it's out of question I say justice. It's such a private matter. France is ruled by old men.

    There're days I think of trying to change. Lawyer, judge. It's expensive. Not affordable to my purse.

    I feel a lot frustrated, caged, controlled. France is Frank in german, means "free man". It'd be funny if it weren't so
    pathetic.

    Now Dana, maybe It's no hazard. My other potential father might be Chris Carter. Of course, I didn't know it. It was what my mother told me, and his relatives' names, knowing she would die, in 1991, before he was famous. And i saw him several times since she died, why I logically have doubts he could be.

    Dana makes I'm not guilty to say he could my father, nor guilty to be borne. I feel unified again. But not at work. I'm not ready to go back. I already start as a loser. It could be so simple that makes me mad. I'm 29, I could go forward, but feel stuck.

    I want to tell people, I'm not delusional, I have no psychotic episodes. Not narcissic, not histrionic. Maybe schzotypal traits, but I care about the others. I'm in humanitarian stuff. I'm introverted by nature, but that situation makes it worse.

    Thanks for reading. Good eve' all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2009
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I am angry empty angry empty angry empty angry empty :bash::bash::bash::bash::throw::throw::throw::throw::throw::sorry:
     
  3. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say, but I feel that I have to write something so that you can see that your post has been read. :hug:
    I feel for you.
     
  4. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too read your post and i am sadden by it I am so sorry for your suffering Iam glad you are here to get some support.
     
  6. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm angry. Except for Carter; that makes me genuinely sad. It's hard for me to admit that he could be my father, because if it's true, even hesitation 50/50, he gave up on me. And hard because a cause has an effect. Maybe Dana is no ideal, no hazard, what lies beneath. But sure, it's me. People think I'm nuts, but I'm sane and logical. When your mother gives you so Many details, and you see that same man any part of the country you move in. It's plausible. It took me more than 15 years to begin to open up to the idea of it. Damn. I can't believe it's good to open so clearly.
     
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