Dancing with the Darkness...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dragonfly70, Dec 22, 2011.

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  1. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone -

    It's been a while since I was last here. I was here last Fall and very close to taking my life. My situation changed, things got better, and life went on. Summer was good and bad at times, but manageable. But now I feel my bipolar moods rearing their heads again and I'm being drawn into the Darkness again. It started out as a strangely good thing. Under control, and I was actually finally feeling things I needed to feel. Getting to things that I needed to process. Over the last week my thoughts have turned to suicide. But not in an imminent way - more like recalling times I've been suicidal in the past and evaluating what exactly is keeping me here today.

    I actually called a suicide hotline yesterday. Not in crisis, but just to see what would happen if I did call in crisis. The times I have been at that point, I was always too afraid to call the crisis center, fear of the unknown, you know? Would they automatically call an ambulance? Well, I found out they don't automatically call one - they try to talk to you, to show you a different perspective, and help you work through what has brought you to this point. They will call if absolutely necessary, though. That was a comfort for some reason.

    I'm being haunted by ghosts of Christmases past. Christmases I almost didn't survive. I feel I may need a hospitalization this winter. It has been a while since I was last inpatient. I probably should have been in last Fall, but things changed and I was able to only go through a partial hospitalization. But I often wonder just how much longer I can fight this. I never thought I'd make it this far - I'm 41 - and so in some ways I feel like I'm on borrowed time.

    I guess I just wanted to come and talk about this with people who understand. People who aren't going to freak out at the mere mention of the word suicide. I've talked to a few friends about it a little, but given my history, I don't like to worry them. I can't talk to my husband about it at all, and that makes me feel a little sad. And very alone.

    So, I'd like to sit with you all for a while if that's okay....

    ~ Dragonfly
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun glad to see you reaching out here for support You did good to call crisis line now so you know you do not have to be afraid to call when you are very low. I still find it so hard to call them i call and i hang up phone each time I am glad you are talking here hun it helps to know you are not alone okay There are many of us here who understand these thoughts and just know together it is easier to fight hun okay those ideas it is easier to stay safe hugs
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome back.. I am glad you sound a lot better and are feeling more stable. Make yourself comfortable here, and thanks for checking in! :] ((Hugs))
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome back..maybe before things get out of hand again, is there a doctor or such you can talk to about what you are experiencing? If you are on meds, maybe they have to be adjusted...or just to talk and know you are supported...welcome back again, and I am glad you thought to drop in
  5. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone.

    And yes, Sadeyes, I have told my pdoc about my feelings. And I have also scheduled an extra appointment with my therapist for next week. My pdoc made me promise to tell him if things got worse and I became actively suicidal. I told him I would try. Sometimes it's so hard to hear that shred of self-preservation amidst the roar of self-destruction. I will try though. No med changes at this point, but I do have a light box I can use if I need it.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you are taking care of yourself..sometimes, we do not have to categorize the pain, but instead advocate for its resolution, as you are doing...please keep up the brave, wise efforts
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