danger to myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lost_child, Oct 15, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    This weekend my sisters came down with my neice and nephew ~ I wanted to talk to them both but it went horrible wrong. Whilst in WH Smith on Saturday my older sister mentioned books on abuse that I was looking at, she said they depressing and the one's about daddy's little girls was too much for her to deal with and she's happy living in denial. My old man didn't just abuse me he did her as well.

    When I was playing with my neice and nephew or given them a hug, or talking to them all I could think of was this will be the last time I hear them, feel them, or see them when I said goodbye to them and my sisters it was me saying goodbye forever.

    The one thing that is stopping me killing myself is surviving and having to face them. I thought about jumping in front of a train, or off a very high bridge but I don't want to injure, kill or traumtise someone else, just myself.
  2. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    The situation is very simple.. it is not possible to commit suicide and not emotionally injure or traumatise someone else

    I am sincerely sorry for things that you have been through but I would suggest that your sister is trying to put it behind her,easier said than done admittedly

    If you did what you suggest,then in a way the abuser has "won" although I am sure that your death was not his intention. A parallel can be drawn to survivors of the holocaust where many accounts of survivors with the most awful memories state how they considered ending it all but felt that if they did so they would simply give some uncovered Nazi another "notch on his bedpost" and hence did not do so for that very reason.

    I do not know how old you are but I hope that you can try to trust a man again .There are bad apples in every bunch but the vast majority are good.Please don't label every man like your dad, it is simply not true, and once you find "the one" and both he and you have placed the past in the past then I am sure that a lot of how you feel now will be put into storage as well

    Best wishes
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I don't see it as they "won" because they already have. I don't think all men are bad, just the ones that I seem to meet (except my grandad who passed away when I was 10, and my uncle who committed suicide when I was 8 ~ there were the only good men I've ever known). I won't ever find a man to be happy with, to be content with, to love, who loves me..I'm not worthy of love, and I can't accept that love is anything other then abusive.

    I won't hurt anyone because those who know me will forget me in days.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Lost, please tell me you are seeing someone about the childhood abuse!
    You can come back from abuse, I am living proof that they don't always win, you can recover and be stronger for it but it takes a good therapist and a lot of hard work :hug:
    Try not to read stuff on abuse, truly it just opens up old wounds, I know there's a comfort in knowing you are not alone in having gone thru this kind of thing; but honestly doesn't it just set your mind to remembering?
    If you haven't got a therapist..get one!!!! :hug:
  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I am seeing a counsellor I started seeing her last year but its not helping as I can't talk of the past or anything. the curse and reminders of what happened everytime I spoke haunt me and I can't get away from it. My psychiatrist that I also see has referred me to a psychologist although I don't see the point, if I can't talk to my counsellor how will seeing someone else help, it won't will it.

    Yes it does open up memories and I always read these books when I'm in destruction mode, when I want to punish myself more, abuse seems to be occupying my mind.

    Mad as it seems, and I know people will find it difficult to understand but when the abuse stopped so did my life..I escaped all abuse this year when I split with my ex after 16 years together (it was only when I turned 18 that he changed) I'm 28 now. I've only ever known violence, or love as abusive. Now I'm on my own its worse then ever.

    I don't know how to win, I don't know how to fight back. I'm pathetic and weak. sorry
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Not pathetic or weak just trapped in the abuse cycle.
    Abused children seem to hunt out people who will continue the abuse, perhaps its a case of better the devil you know :unsure: thats the kind of relationship you understand and can cope with.
    Time outside of a relationship with a therapist that is actually good (i.e knows what the fuck they are doing) is what is needed. You need to face the past and grapple with it (not easy by any means) then you will be able to move on, but this is impossible if your therapist, counsellor, shrink etc. is not the right one or a useless fart.

  7. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    To really help yourself, and regrettably at the end of the day you are the one who has to ( with help from others) you must change three attitudes:

    (a) Not worthy of love- not applicable unless you are a mass murderer
    (b) love is nothing but abusive - not true(,although I am sympathetic to your circumstances) there are plenty of good men in the world
    (c) Can't talk to counsellor- if you could it would assist enormously.Remember the old saying " a problem shared is a problem halved" - essentially the whole point of this forum.

    Keep posting, nobody has "won" or beaten you at anything
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I can assure u I am not a mass murderer.

    my counsellor is very good its not her its me, the place I go is run by survivors of csa so they do understand I know deep deep deep down if I can just take that small step and speak openly maybe things will be different. I should be greatful, there are people who are more worthy of the support and theres me whose not using it to her advantage. I'm so damn selfish and I hate it.

    Oh man I know I have to change that the world won't change around me, and I don't even expect it to. I wish I could find the words I really do I want to be confident enough to spit the words out, to say what's really going on for me..I always come out of counselling angry with myself because I didn't say this or that. I need to just blurt the words out and hope maybe they will make sense to someone cause the make no sense to me.

    I wish I could escape my thoughts, my memories, myself I just can't seem to find a place where I can do that.
  9. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    Why do you think there are people more worthy of the counsellor's time than you? If your past is what it is , and yes I do believe you, then you are more need of a heart-to-heart than most.

    You really need to let go of the final step and see what happens.How can it possibly be any worse than the other scenarion you were considering?

    BTW,I am quite sure that your sister and nephew and niece,amongst many others , would not forget you after a few days if you were to do the worst. Do you think they visit you for nothing- I think not
  10. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Maybe, if you could, you could write something down of what you want to say to your counsellor which would give you a springboard into the full conversation. It's generally the knowing where to start that is the difficult thing. I also found that I didn't want my counsellor (who I liked) to think the bad things I thought about myself, which I felt she must do when she realised how bad I was. Funnily enough that didn't happen. She came with me when I decided to go to the police and so heard the full gory story, and if anything we're now even closer than before.
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I feel everyone in the world deserves everything I don't, I don't feel worthy of anyone's time, I feel a burden on people, I feel like I'm a constent pest to people.

    I don't know they visted me, I don't know anything.

    I think that's what I'm also scared of, is that she will hate me, she will see how bad I am, how I let things happen she will see the dirty, filthy thing that I see myself as and will then runaway, she hasn't so far but so many times its happened that I just wait for people someone to run, or I push them so they don't hurt me, I know she won't but it feels like she will.

    I have started written and asking questions and friday she read something I wrote...it felt raw and opened so many more questions of my life, the lies and everything.

    I can't escape the thoughts of suicide, i've given away my jewellry to the kids, I've sorted all finances out, I've started writing to each of them I've not finished everything I want to say as its hurting too much. I don't know maybe I am just the waste of space that my family say I am.

    <mod edit: Artifice suicide note>
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2007
  12. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    You have made some decent first steps here but you have got to let the counsellor help you properly

    She will help you to boost your self-esteem.The words you posted are the voices of the demons that must be shut out,nothing more.

    Buy yourself some new jewellery and make yourself feel good.

    Tear up the notes

    Keep posting here, that is what the forum is for
  13. npain42long

    npain42long Active Member

    lost child,
    we have talked before, maybe you can talk your counselor into communicating by email for awhile. sometimes the anonmity of talking on line give people the ability to tell things they would not ordinarily tell. good luck. you are worth alot. you are a good person, or you would not concern yourself with how others would feel if you were to die. you take care of yourself. i am sorry your sister feels the need to be in denial. to me that is sad and unworthy of any human. facing the problems and moving on is a whole lot better than leaving it to dwell just below the surface. kinda like pulling the band aid off, yes it hurts at first, but the pain does go away. you just have to take that first step. go for it, lost child. you can do this. you see you have a bunch of people on this site who believe in you and know that you are a treasure to behold and i am proud to know you.
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