Dangerous? Or is it just me...

[Hurted]

The girl i've been dating is really different. At first it didn't bother me, as i wanted to help her (she has bulimia, anorexia, depression, panic attacks etc.) but now i'm getting scarred.

After 2 dates, i told her i just want to be friends. She pretty much lost control and went home without saying anything. Later, she told me we could be friends. She really opened up and told me about how she has been in more than 30 relationship (she is 21 years old), and she never loved any of guys, she just enjoyed breaking their hearts and having control over them. I decided to help her, so we went on a drink. And then again. But this time we started kissing, we even had sexual intercourse. She told me i'm the first person that has ever understand her and that i'm the first boy she actually cares for.

I have no idea what to think of it... she seems so honest, yet chances that she is telling the truth are so low... on the other side, i'm scarred of possible relationship. She seems like a perfect soulmate, we are almost 100% compatible. I'm afraid she is just playing and once i fell in love with her, she will try to control me and break my heart like she did to all those other guys. The other thing is, that i'm afraid of how she will accept, if i decide i dont want to have anything with her, especially because she is control freak (not only she does have anorexia, which is to my knowledge about control, she also used boys to control them). I'm scared she might now want to let me go and cause me problems in life like stalking (then again, i'm very anxious, so this might be just the symptom of my disorder). She invinted me to her house tomorrow night (friday) and i dont know what to do... If we'll have sex again, she might get even more attached and... well i just don't know. I'd like to be in relationship with her, but i just don'T know what to expect, as things are so confusing.

I'm writing this as i have little expiriences with girls, so i'm automatically a bit naive.

 

[aoeu]

She's using you, she said as much. Cut off all contact immediately. Perhaps suggest an investigation into borderline personality disorder.

She will never form a proper relationship with you. She might fake it for a while if you're lucky, but she'll definitely cheat.

There is no way for you to not be heartbroken at this point, you might as well have it over with now.

 

[Hurted]

That's what a fear, it's the most logical thing... but then again, what if she really isn't faking it? I know humans can't change over night, especially in cases like her, but what if she'll try? But i really don't know if it's worth taking the risk.

Ps: She also seems very possesive... she asked me quite a few times if i'm going to use her just for sex and broke her heart, she puts some preassure on me... Don't know what to do. I'm scarred of canceling our date tomorrow, but if i have sex with her and tell her afterwards, it will look like i was the one who used her...i would really like to give her chance and im aware that i'm naive.

But probably you are right, she will use me... i can save myself from a lot of pain. It's confusing.

Btw, thanks for the answer.

 

[aoeu]

She's probably not faking it in the sense you or I would know. She probably thinks she's being legitimate but she is by no means any different. Currently, she's idolizing you. That's going to switch to demonizing quickly. That's how BPD works.

 

[Terry]

Oh Lord! run for the hills.
I can only see heartbreak at the end of this.
Sounds like she has the "get em and dump em" syndrome, something I usually
expect from men (sorry fellas but am speaking as I find :laugh, seriously, get rid asap.

 

[lightbeam]

I don't like the thought of it either. I would suggest letting this one go.

 

[Hurted]

So you guys think that it would not be possible for her to change, even if she wanted to and try?

 

[Terry]

Anyone can change, but I suspect her motives.
But in the final analysis it's up to you. :smile:

 

[Avarice]

Why did you even sleep with her in the first place?

 

[lightbeam]

Regardless of reason, she probably won't change.

 

[aoeu]

BPD can show some improvement after years of dedicated therapy... But it's not likely to.

But then, I was recently reading about psychopaths... that might be the better descriptor than BPD in this case.

If she's going to change she has to do it herself and it'll take many years. Leave her to her own devices.

 

[Hurted]

Thanks guys, especially to you aoeu.
I've spent few hours educating myself by reading professional articles about psychopaths, personality disorders etc. and that girl has many sympthoms. I'm not that good at psychology, so i can't say whenether she is a psycopath or not, but it's obvious she is severely mentally ill.

Beside that, during whole time of our dating i always felt there was something wrong and as i realized by now, ignoring your own feeling certainly isn't smart.

Now i just don't know how to tell her i don't want our dating to continue. What would be the best thing to say? I will try to make it look like it has nothing to do with her. I just hope she'll leave me alone afterwards.

 

[aoeu]

Well, uh, I've been down this road more than once... I know the damage it can do. I might be going down it again, I can't tell. I have the worst luck with women...

 

[Hurted]

Ok, so aparently she really is a psychopath. Aeou, could you please give me some advices what to do? Or anyone else? After telling her i don't want to be in relationship, she got mad. Yesterday she sent pm on facebook that she is sorry and wants to be friends. I have ignored her so far. What is the best way to get rid of psychopath? What should i do and what i shouldnt do?

 

[Hurted]

Btw, i would also aprecciate any webpage with advices... all i found was a bounch of websites about psychopaths, but nothing on how to get rid of him.

 

[Terry]

Hmmm what about sending a pm saying sorry something has happened within the family and you won't be around for a bit.
Then just let the whole thing dwindle off?

 

[aoeu]

I think lying to buy some time is probably the best move. She'll probably move on as soon as she meets a new guy.

It's a messy situation... Honestly, I didn't think you'd go through with it. You've got more self-control than I do.

 

[Hurted]

Thanks for advices. She sent me an extremely long message about herself, how she needed someone and how she respects my decision. She said she loved someone for the first time in her life, because she was not capable of loving anyone before and how she needs me. She ended it with if you ever change your mind, i'll be always there for you.

It's very tempting... i was scared and expected some false rape allegations or some crazy shit like this... but i don't know. It's very hard to say what's wrong with her... is she a psychopath, someone with severe personality disorder or something else... this situation is extremly hard for me, because if she would be honest with me, she could be all i need. So basically my situation is heaven or hell, there is no other way in this case. She has so many symptoms of psychopath, yet so many contradiction... she was honest with me about her anorexia and need to control/use boys... she said she tryed to love her ex, but she couldn't... for the first time in my life i thought someone loves me, i'm surprised i could let her go... i guess it's all because of my extreme anxiety, otherwise i could not let her go... and now i don't know what to do... once i have gotten rid of the fear, i view situation differently... but as i said, if i go back to her, i risk my life... with her, it's either heaven or hell...

 

[Hurted]

I mean... i think i love her as much as a men can love woman after 1 month... and i really don't know wheneter she is just fucked up (like i am) or if she is simply some psychopath without conscious...


Reading our conversations, i'll write what she said: I enjoy when i control others, when i fuck them up, yet i feel sorry for them...
She also said she started to starve herself because she could control friends and family with doing it...

Don't know what to think of it anymore, it's fucking confusing...

 

[aoeu]

She is not fucked-up like you are. She's in a class of her own. She was honest only so far as it served her, it managed to find sympathy and trust. She says it's different with you, that she really is into you... I would lay good odds she said that to at least 3/4 of the others. She's going to do to you exactly what she says she does to others.

I saw one survey done, things that people regret: number 1 was leaving money behind at an ATM. Number 2 was not believing a girl when she says she's screwed up.