Dangerous type of suicidalness?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kisa, May 12, 2011.

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  1. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    So... hello to everybody. I'm posting here, hoping that maybe I'll feel better... I dunno really...

    I'm bipolar. I know how my moods swing up and down. Right now, it's in a downswing. But the meds that I'm on are keeping me stable (sort of). I'm in a mild depression. I feel as if I can't do anything. I'm bored. I know I have stuff to do around the house, but I can't make myself do it. I feel in near tears for no reason. And the most clear thought that I have is that my life is useless.

    I can't seem to do anything. Sure, I have fun when I'm in a good mood... but these down swings keep me from doing anything for about a week. This has caused me to only make it through two semesters of college, despite being 20 now. If I can't get through college, can't reach my dream of being a psychologist... and am only bringing everyone else around me down, what is the point in me being alive? I'm in enough pain now, that committing suicide would feel like a relief. Well, actually, after I was dead, I wouldn't feel anything. :p But I feel that's better than living a life like this.

    The only thing that has kept me from doing this is the three people in my life that love me most, and are fighting to keep me alive (essentially). I would rather suffer then cause them any pain by killing myself. I mean, how do you get over that? If you daughter or wife died? (I'm not married, but I live practically like a married women). If I were normal... life would be great. But it's not. I wish my loved ones would give up on me. Would hate me. Would erase me from their memories and from their lives. I wish I'd never been born. I would I could erase my existence.

    You know, I feel great guilt over my existence too... I say that my loved ones would hurt if I committed suicide. But I am currently hurting THEM with my messed up situation. I'm nothing but a burden on them (mind you, a burden that I know they want to keep around). Either way, if I go on living, or if I die... I'm just going to hurt people.

    I could do things to push them away from my life. Make my boyfriend leave me if I joined the porn industry... somehow manage to scare my parents away... and then I could just hit the hay. It'd be easy to at least free my boyfriend from my grasp, but I'm too selfish to let him go... He's been the most supportive of me for these past few years... He's my soul mate. And he's the one thing that can make me happy in these dark times. But I really keep on hurting him. I make him worry.. I try to push him away... I scare him... He deserves so much better than me. But I'm too selfish to let him go. And I'D have to be the one to let go, because he would never leave willingly himself. He adores me so much. I'm so lucky to have him... but why do I have to hurt him so much? Why did he have to meet me? A girl so undeserving of his affections?

    Why can't I seem to push myself enough to just remove myself from everyone's lives? I want to disappear, but then again, I'm too selfish, unselfish, and lazy to do so. I want to keep people around, but at the same time push them away. I'm in a dilemma.

    I don't know what I want to hear from people... I guess I just wanted to let my feelings out... I'm going to see a therapist soon. And maybe get my meds adjusted... I dunno... But I don't seem to think that a therapist will help me with much.

    I hope I have not broken any rules by posting here...
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Doesn't sound as if your meds "are" stablising you :unsure:
    and your depression doesn't sound mild either.
    I'd pop back to your doc and tell him/her exactly what you've told us.
  3. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    Yeah... I have one of the more dangerous types of depression. Mind you, when I was in a hysterical depression a year ago, I actually started to make plans to kill myself. And then I went into this weird sort of depression (like I'm in now) and was ready to execute it if after a month of seeing my new doctor didn't make me feel better. Amazingly it did. I was stable for at least a half a year before something went wrong with them and depression slowly started to seep in. But then two months ago it got extreme. It's lessened some, after changing some things in my lifestyle... but I still get this suicidal feeling. I might not be in tears... but I still feel bad.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Definetly go back to your doc, sounds like you've got used to your meds.
  5. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    Urgh. Going to rant a bit more here, since I'll probably do something stupid...

    So, my boyfriend has been invited to hang out with friends tonight. I want him to do that. But I'm feeling so bad, I KNOW I'm going to do something stupid. Not kill-myself-stupid, but more like make-myself-drunk-and-see-how-it-reacts-with-my-meds-stupid.

    I feel the least I can do is make myself suffer for all the pain I've put on others.

    Anyways... I dunno what to tell him. I think he should come home, but it's a rare occurrence for him to see these friends. =/ I don't want him to suffer more over me.
  6. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    Does anyone know a way to open a wine bottle without having a cork screw?
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    LOL!!! actually yes, but be prepared to covered in wine.......you can push the cork in with some leverage.
  8. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    O_O I don't think I could manage that. And my boyfriend is coming home. should be here in a couple of hours.
  9. Tangerine87

    Tangerine87 Member

    wow i can totally relate. feels like exactly how i think. i push people away too but i think its because im actively planning. i feel guilt so its easier when you keep them away that way when you have to do it there's no hurt or anger. but im also indecisive like that. sometimes i want this. sometimes i want that. its so confusing.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Terry.. You should go see your Pdoc and let him/her know that your meds aren't helping anymore..It may be something as simple as increaseing the dosage.. Therapy really does work.. It takes time and work to get anything out of it..I didn't think it would help me but into my second year I saw the difference in me..I was in therapy for five years and then I quit going..I've fallen back into my old ways.. SO I am going to start going again..Give it a try...
  11. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    So, after talking to my boyfriend yesterday (and apparently scaring the crap out of him) my mom popped up unexpectadly and started cleaning the house, as well as talking to me. I told her how I feel about how I want to push people away and such. How I'm selfish, but unselfish. So much conflict in my brain. Confusion.

    She told me something that actually helped make me feel better. I don't know why this makes me feel better, but I guess it helps lessen the guilt. She told me that I have an incurable disease. Bipolar disorder, as well as about 5 other mental disorders (ADD, OCD, PTSD, Panic disorder, and General anxiety disorder). This scares people, because it's something that can't be fixed by surgery. If I compare myself to people with life threatening illnesses... I dunno. It makes me feel better. I never thought of it that way before. Because I really am sick. It's not my fault I'm this way. And I realized that if my boyfriend were to get a life threatening illness, I would stick with him and still love him. It would be so much harder for me to do since I have so many mental problems... but if I didn't, I would be there for him as much as he is for me.

    I felt guilt over myself because I thought that I was causing others pain. Having a mental illness, you feel like it's really your fault. It's harder in a way from having a physical illness, because you are just stuck with your own thoughts as evidence.

    If I think of this as an illness... as something I'll have for the rest of my life, but that isn't ME, I feel better about the whole situation.

    Today I'm going to doctors, and making an appointment with a therapist. I can't really drive in my condition, so my mom is picking me up and taking me out. I'm glad that my family is finally taking action. I'd been asking for help for a long time, but they had just been expecting me to make all the calls. But I'm still young, I don't know what to do. And I'm too depressed to do it. It took me getting this low for them to step up and take action.

    I'm sure I'll still feel suicidal... I'm in a better mood now than I have been in several days. But I will go back down. If I feel suicidal again, I will come back here for support. Even if I'm not feeling bad, I feel that coming here can still help me. Trying to help others makes me feel good... and as long as their life isn't as *pointless* as mine, I can truly believe that they should go on living.

    I don't know if I should make a diary thread in the other subforum. If I'm in crisis, would people message me? Would people even read my thread? Should I just post here? Can I post here? I like to ramble a lot. It makes me feel better.

    Thanks for listening. :)
  12. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    OCD, PTSD, Panic disorder, and General anxiety disorder can all be treated with some success with meds and therapy so hopefully if you can see the appropriate therapist they can alleviate a lot of the issues with these conditions and hopefully make life even easier for you. how did your mum come up with this diagnosis?

    but i am glad your family are now helping you and you are going to see doc...tell him everything and see if you can get a quick referral to therapist.

    you have good people around you, dont push them away. good luck and stay strong :hug:
  13. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    "He adores me so much. I'm so lucky to have him... but why do I have to hurt him so much? Why did he have to meet me? A girl so undeserving of his affections?" [that's a quote from you...idk how to make it do that cool box thing]

    you're not undeserving...i think JUST like you...i don't deserve to have friends or be happy...i don't even deserve to eat...i've never been in a real relationship b/c i know (i think) i would just hurt the other person and i probably don't deserve to be loved...but that's all very untrue...that's all in my head...it's all guilt speaking...my therapist gave me some book to read called "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach...unfortunately, i don't have a lot of time to read it cuz i'm studying for med school finals, but i read the first few pages and it's UNBELIEVABLE to me that this book is quoting my head...you should read it, i know you will be able to relate...

    i pretty much feel like a failure all the time, and i feel like the lesser person in all my friendships and in my family too...this book tries to make you see why you feel that way and that it's not true...

    i'm still working on this, but it's a good start...i think that book would help you...

    you sound soooooooo very similar to me, except i'm not bipolar, just chronically depressed...i am selfish too in that i cannot push people away...instead, i chose to make new friends early in the school year, and am now very close to them, and semi-regret it b/c if i do something to myself, i'm going to hurt them very badly, in addition to my family and my best friend...why couldn't i just not make friends this year? it would have saved them a lot of pain...

    and being in medical school, i compare depression to a disease all the time...this world is working on recognizing it that way, but we have a long way to go...but it is a disease, and just like any other disease, it's not your fault...and just like any other disease, you're going to need treatment to manage the symptoms...

    i'm so glad you have a supportive boyfriend who loves you very much...i hope you can find some way to make peace with your thoughts...
  14. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Actually there are pioneering surgical procedures which might well be normal in a few years.

    Certain areas of the brain, we know that they play important roles with emotions and how we process things.

    Even the meds are changing and soon enough we will see trials going out to the actual people in doctors surgeries or those in psychiatric wards and so on.

    All this pushing people away is the process of depression. Most cancers only impact on us - but the cancer of depression impacts on others as we push them away. It's like the depression is trying to create a ground it can grow strong on - to combat it, we need people around us at times.

    You should go back to your docs and explain how you have been. The meds might actually cause this - more so in early days or especially after doses are increased.

    I'm not having any luck with meds I'm taking but I've took the flak off them for two months just in case they worked eventually. Guess I'll try something else. Might even feel better coming off the things than I felt going on them.

    If they are not working - best to go back to your doctor. They know its a flip of the coin although with your diagnosis its easier to work with you.

    good luck and remember, depression is not YOU - its just a passenger that hates crowds, company and the sunshine. It shuns happiness and love - poisons love IF you let it.

    Take depression to the places it does not want to go - part of the victory is doing that - even a walk to the shops is a right step in the right direction.

    Tell others about it - depression thrives on secrecy and just wants you alone so it can grind you down.

    The enemy can be defeated.
  15. Kisa

    Kisa Member

    @Icequeen: I have these other diagnosis's, and when treating my bipolar (which is the biggest issue in my life), it treats all of my other disorders. :) I actually don't even notice that I have any more of those diagnosis's. I used to have extreme social phobia, but after getting treated for bipolar, the meds seemed to effect and treat that as well. I'm very extroverted (but when I'm depressed, of course I'm not gonna want to be around people). I find all of this amazing... Just got to get bipolar under control now. >_< It WAS under control a year ago, for about 6 months before I could slowly feel the depression creep in on me...

    Also, I've been diagnosed by a therapist, psychiatrist, and another doctor for my various disorders. I would not diagnose myself, nor have my parents do it. They were the last people to think I was bipolar (it's a scary thought that your child is bipolar).

    @plshelpme: :) I am working hard to make friends. Because of my past social phobia, by the time I left highschool, the only friend I had was my boyfriend (whom I had met on a dating site). I'm had to fight to make friends since then. It comes easy to me actually, but I have not developed any close friendships. I have people I love and adore. I think they are amazing, but thus, they don't have cars and it's hard to hang out with them. u_u; So I actually don't know them very well. So I don't feel bad about hurting any of them, since I don't really see them.

    If I'm feeling bad, I tend to ignore people other than my support group. My support group NEEDS to know how I'm feeling, otherwise I will start making plans for my death. It's happened in the past... Although I got help before anything came through of it.

    I will check out that book! Put it in my Amazon wishlist. :3 I don't have the money to buy it though (after a terrible $1000 spending spree I did a few weeks ago...).

    I think it's cool how much alike we are. :) I also want to go to med school, but it seem impossible now, after failing two of my classes this semester (I didn't drop them in time).

    @peacelovingguy: Hehe. "The enemy can be defeated" makes me smile. :)


    So, I went to see a doctor yesterday, just to get one of my meds increased. He even said I was on an extremely low dose of it, and it could easily be doubled. I reacted to it so well when I was first put on it, so he increased it by 50%. I'm very pleased by this... starting taking the change today.

    I also called my insurance's therapy guide place... They interviewed me, and were VERY nice, and gave me the name of a couple of people who could help me. :) Their office was closed though, so my mom is going to call them on monday morning and make an appointment for me.
  16. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member


    look for that book in your local or school library...they very well may have it...otherwise, if and when you have time, just go to barnes and nobles or whatever and read it there...lol...

    and, if you really want to go to medical school, don't give up...failing classes isn't the end of your career, especially if you were going through a lot during it...med schools put a lot of emphasis on your MCATs and your personal statement...your grades do matter too, but do well on the other two and it will help you out...also, talk to your dean/adviser...i know at my undergrad, they often would erase failed classes from your record if you would take them over...idk how ethical/legal that is tho...if u want to know anything else, PM me...i learned the tricks to the process, and i don't mind sharing them with you...

    and even tho you don't see your friends often, they will be hurt and their lives would be very different without you in them...

    i'm glad your meds are going up and you might be getting into therapy! woo hoo!!!

    good luck!
  17. Crash106

    Crash106 Member


    You said, "And the most clear thought that I have is that my life is useless." There is some joy in being useless. "They" claim that we're supposed to be useful, have a purpose, set a goal, drive ourselves forward, but I believe "they" are wrong. I believe life just is.

    We can work really hard and inject some deep mystical meaning into life, but maybe it just doesn't have any special meaning. Maybe, just maybe, we are FREE of purpose and meaning. Maybe, just maybe, it's okay to do, or not do, all kinds of things. Maybe the world will go on even if we DON'T vacuum the house, or win the lottery. Some people weigh 500 pounds and they just keep on living. Some people treat cancer and die anyway. Some folks don't treat cancer and die on the same day.

    Calling a sunset good, or bad, doesn't change the sunset one bit. The sunset just is. We are part of the sunset, yet the sunsets independently from us.

    Maybe life isn't a big deal. We can call it whatever we want, but maybe life just is what it is.
  18. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    sorry, thats why i asked about your mom diagnosing..sorry if i misunderstood.
    glad that you are in therapy and it maybe just as simple as adjusting your meds which you have done..its a waiting game. stay strong and dont push those away that are trying to support you (which we all do) as they love and want to help.

    keep us posted to how you are doing :hug:
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