Dark Cloud

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AfterFact, Jun 5, 2012.

  1. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    I felt better today, but my mood quickly went down again, though not to the point I was a few days ago. This has happened many times. I have ups and downs, I have bi-polar, this isnt surprising, but I feel like a dark cloud resides over me. I feel doomed, I feel like my death is all but certain and I'm delaying the inevitable. But I can't give up. I've tried, but there's this strange urge to keep going, to survive. Something drives me, but I don't know what it is. I live, day by day, week by week, with no clear purpose other than just being. It's like I'm running away from the light in the tunnel, but no matter what I do, that light is still behind me. I can't get away, but I'm not moving foward either. I'm completely lost, I can't even understand my own head. Sometimes I'm in chatrooms, people ask me why I keep going, what drives me, and I honestly can't respond with a answer, because I don't know. I don't know why I'm alive. I've attempted suicide dozens of times in the past, mostly by overdosing. I've beaten my body to the ground many times with drugs and alcohol. Yet I always persevere. I remember coming to school after overdosing that morning on sleeping pills. I survived, obviously, and I functioned, the entire day. I didn't fall alseep, I couldnt think much, there was a strange feeling in my mind, like my body was screaming for some rest, and my brain shouted back with "No!". I would repeat"keep yourself together" over and over again.

    Its hard to describe this, I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, it doesnt very much sense to me either, but somewhere lies the true reason I've kept myself alive all these years, and thats something I think I need to find out.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Chance, I too have been looking for a higher order reason for being here...not sure I will find it, but the journey is as important as the answer in this regards