dark dark place

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by takencontrol, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    things were looking up for me, mentally i was feeling stronger. but starting to struggle with those demons again, in my head, the voices are getting louder and louder. i wish they would go away. suicidal thoughts have taken over and im not sure im going to be able to fight them much longer. trying hard to keep busy, pushing my body to the limit but even that doesnt work, they just get louder and louder.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    what do the voices say?
  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I do know how you are feeling. Waking up each morning to a World that never changes outside your window, to the same daily routine that has given you a purpose for even getting out of bed in the morning; of making idle conversation with neighbours and friends and putting on a show of carefree happiness to mask the sadness that slowly fills up your heart, like a leaking roof does a bucket, hand brushing the buttons of the remote control as you mindlessly scan through the channels to escape into someone's World if only for a brief time...
    And you know what? Nothing will ever change - you will continue to feel like you do for the rest of your life if you don't take action and do something so outrageous, so spontaneous, so out of character.
    Throw off the shackles and hit the road without a map or guide, without a wing of a prayer and just drive... you could very well find that which is missing in your life.
  4. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Do not lose heart. I will still talk to you if you need someone to relate to.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Stay keeping yourself busy, it can make a big difference. what are the voices telling you? are you on medication? do you have a psychiatrist? please hold on, you can get through this xXx
  6. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    im told i deserve to die, i hate myself so much i have to do what they say, they are right. im no good for anyone. yes im on meds, i hate them, they make me sleepy. i just want to drink myself into oblivion and stop the pain that i feel. i want to be with my dad. im holding on with my fingertips but im tired, too tired to fight this damn illness. depression, anxiety, alcoholism, sh, ok you win.
  7. tmostna

    tmostna Active Member

    I love that you are brave enough to write that though.

    I read somewhere that when you write something down and then read it back to yourself, you use a different part of your brain to process the information you've just written and so in a way get a different perspective.

    A tip I read from a writer was to let all your emotions out on paper (even if you don't intend to publish it anywhere).

    Keep writing, without worrying about spelling mistakes or editing as you go.

    Then, put it away for a day or two, then go back and read through it.

    I am told it really helps some people, maybe you could try it and let us know if you get anything from it.

    I think it's all so useful to find other peoples writing on the subject, on personal blogs etc, and maybe even start a blog of your own.

    With your experiences I am sure you can make a big difference to someone else out there who may be in suffering in similar circumstances.

    Just an idea, hope it helps

  8. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    takencontrol, these voices in your head. The one that says "you deserve to die", well they are not very nice "entities". Ask yourself this, have they ever been nice to you? Do these voices say kind and compassionate things to you? If these voices are "not nice", then you should not listen to them or at least, treat what they say as "evil words".

    So even though these voices are saying bad things to you, you should know that they do not have good feelings towards you. So please do not listen or pay much attention to them. Listen to people who has shown you kindness and compassion. People who cares about you are your true friends. Please do not give up, know that we care about you here on SF.

    Steven Siew
  9. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    By whom? What makes them so special or important to you that you feel that you have to do what they say? Why aren't you any good to anyone? If you answer for me those questions to the point where you have me beleiving, then maybe they might have something when they talk down to you as they have. Yet no one has ever been able to prove to me why they do not deserve the same respect and treatment as anyone else and no one ever will, because what other people think of you, what other people say about or to you is complete bullshit.

    I have come across a lot in life people who tell others to 'die' or they are not important and in every instance, they are spoken by people who either feel inadequate about themselves that they believe causing someone else emotional pain somehow eases their own or that they are simply too engrossed in their own 'self worth' as to not take the consequences of their actions seriously.

    Why should you let what someone else says dictate your emotions, and in turn, your life? Tell me why their words and thoughts are so important to you, above your own?
  10. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i dont know who they are, theyre just voices, like echoing in my head. my family dont deserve to have someone who struggles with alcohol and suicidal thoughts everyday, therefore they will be better without me. the person im closest to at the moment doesnt deserve the hassle and worry of coping with my mood swings, wondering every day if im still going to be there when he signs in. i love him with all my heart and will never intentionally do anything to hurt him, he doesnt deserve it.
  11. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Ah, those faceless voices that everyone hears in the stillness of the night... do not give them any more attention than a passing thought, as I think of them as your subconscious doubts and fears whispering to you on the day's events. They can exist to break your life or make you stronger - the trick is not surrendering yourself to whatever they say, no matter what they whisper, but take them in stride to learn and improve yourself from so you come out a better person in the long run.
    The minute you stop and humour the notion that your friends and family don't deserve the hasstle and worry of what you go through is taking the easy option of giving in to your own personal fears and doubts without asking those around you what they really think and feel. Until the time every one of your family members and all of your friends tell you directly that they want nothing to do with you, you are not doing those closest to you justice or treating them with the same love or adoration as you believe.

    You are online now, as you have been every other time to talk with him and that is enough for the time being. Leave everything else for another time and focus only on the here and now, not on a future that doesn't exist.
  12. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    i have fucked everything up today, lost all control and let down the person i love the most.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hugs to you hun i suspect you have let yourself down the most hun
    Tomorrow you start again okay tonight try to sleep rest each day is a new start hugs
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