dark inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gordian Knot, Oct 19, 2010.

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  1. Gordian Knot

    Gordian Knot New Member

    Hi everyone. Let me start by telling you that I will not commit suicide any time soon. However, I need help!

    Even when I was child (I am 25 now) I was always thinking a lot about a concept of time and how quickly life passes by. Before you know it, it is all over. That might be something that pushed me to start feeling bad about life, and to start thinking negatively (pessimistic).

    There are few serious problems with me:

    I have no feeling of accomplishment and cannot be pleased at all. This is very hard to understand. I find no joy in everyday life or small things that are there. The routine of life is killing me. You have to wake up in the morning, go to work, come home, do some work at home, and learn eventually for college and so on every single day (Monday – Friday). I hate holidays like Christmas and New year because they just remind me that another year has passed and I have not accomplished much. I still go to college, but already have one diploma (junior college, information science). When I got my diploma I had no feeling of accomplishment at all. Simply nothing, like I did nothing, like I accomplished nothing. That is the same case with other things; as soon as they are accomplished they do not interest me much.

    The problem of not being able to be pleased is really hard to deal with. It brings me to self-destructive behavior and often to thoughts of suicide.

    The society (people and friends) is another problem. As I already said, I am 25 now. Through my life I witnessed how some close friends of mine just go away, they get married, turn to other things, move away and so on… For me this is hard to take. If there is something I care about then it is caring about my friends. I really TRY to let them know how important they are to me, but no matter how hard I try, I never get the same feelings from them, or they do not know how to show it. I would do EVERYTHING for my friends. Sadly, most of the people call me only when they need something, and almost every time I have to make the call first if I want to hang out with my friends. They rarely ask me where I am and if I want to join them for a drink.

    I have my own philosophy of life by which I want to live. The problem here is that I value freedom too much. I have problems in relationships and with people in general because I do not want to be tied down, the freedom to be elsewhere if I choose is a must. I always want to go, but I never want to stay.

    For the reasons above I very very rarely try to get a girlfriend. I go out just to be with friends and to have fun. I do not look for a gf at all. Maybe the problem here is also if I even like someone, they do not feel the way I do, and reverse. You know - you are really a great person but...

    As you might have guessed, I am melancholic. I often feel like I do not belong in crowd, more or less I am solitary and do not communicate a lot (unless someone else starts a conversation). I search for perfection, but when I cannot deliver it it drives me mad.

    I always have to keep my mind occupied with something. When I finished college I did not know what to do. I had nothing that could keep my mind occupied, and I decided to go to the college one more time to get higher education and to keep me sane. When I will finish it, I do not know what I will do. Yes I am employed, but the job is not really fun. I search for another job but it is hard with this global crisis.

    I have opinion as I get educated more and more, the life has no meaning to me at all. When I see on what concepts the world is based, it makes me feel really bad. The feeling of abuse is also present. For example I borrowed “friend” some money because he did not have it that day to go out and have fun. I jumped in and borrowed him some money. We are not talking about a lot of money (20-30$ or so), but to this day he did not return the money to me. For me it is not the matter in those 20$, I could not care less for money, but it is the matter of what kind of person he is and that he does not care about me at all. I mean you borrow the money and you say that you will return and you forget it just like that. For me it is hard to bring that issue to him, because I do not want to hurt him. On the other hand I feel sooo abused and unloved because of his actions!

    My family often tries to say how I should live, and they try to make choices for me. Sometimes I wish they were gone, so I could organize my life as I please. I cannot move from them to another place because they are sick and need me to do some work at home. Father has artificial hips, while mother has heart problems. I hate when I have to do something just because they want it.

    Sometimes I cannot see sense at all in living. I am very afraid for my life in say 1-3 years from now, when I will without the doubt, lose most if not all friends of mine. Most likely then the pain could be too much to deal with.

    I do not know how much sense this makes for you, but all the things above caused major depression. I would like to hear your opinion and some advices. I tried talking with some of my friends but they all think I am kidding. There is one friend, who understands things very well, but he is also depressed, and I choose not to bother him.

    On the bright side, I think I am intelligent, I read a lot of books (about philosophy, life, relationships, religion, God, space, geography, history, even self-help…) My friends have a good opinion of me, often seek advices from me, but they do not understand this struggle that I have. I have read a few books about suicide and meaning of life, it did help a little. But sometimes I cannot keep zen state of mind, and awful thoughts simply overflow my mind and it takes a few months before I can recover. I plan to visit therapist for counseling.

    However, I fail to see what is my purpose in life. I have no goal, nowhere to set my aim and feel completely hopeless. Sometimes I just want to sit in a corner of my room and cry. Maybe I do not know how to live life. This shell that I have become is consuming me.

    Any advices and help are more than welcome.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    wow i hear you isolation from the pain and sadness i causes more pain and sadness. Freinds i never understand that concept my ideas are so different as well about friends it hurts when people leave that is why i choose now to stay isolated as much as i can but then i end up a shell like yu say. i push people away too. I think if you just get out join a club enjoy friendship it brings that will help. No ties just company glad you posted here i think also if you can find one passion you enjoy just one even you used to enjoy and get back into that it will help you get out of the shell you created. sorry tired my mind all over place hope i helped
  3. Gordian Knot

    Gordian Knot New Member

    Any help is appreciated, thank you. I will try to find some groups to join in. I recently start playing bass guitar, so we will see how will that turn out :)
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