Dark thoughts of a failed perfectionist

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Gonzales21, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. Gonzales21

    Gonzales21 New Member

    There's something wrong with me.

    I've always wanted to be a somebody, always tried to be perfect in many things. My parents raised me to be as good a person I can be, but somewhere on the road it has for me become a fixation to be perfect. Which I'm not... I've failed so many times, I feel I'm useless. My family loves me, and I love them, they are the most important people to me in my life. Therefore, I'm ashamed to think this way.

    Lately, I met a girl, whom I really liked. I'm 22 years old atm, and prior to the girl I met, I had never had sex. I was a virgin, a late bloomer, or as I labeled myself, a loser. But it was wonderful, so wonderful, it got a little out of hand, and in the heated moment, condoms were ignored. Today, a few weeks later, I have herpes symptoms.

    This, added to failures before, like me not getting into the program I want to read at my university, not having a drivers licens, not having a job... I'm supposed to be the light of the family, another fixation I have. My family lives in Scandinavia, and my mom is from a South East Asian country. I have a grandma down there, and I'm her first grandchild. Though it's not that a big of a deal for them, even though the family name is important down there, it's not something I have to live up to. But I want to, I want to be a somebody and make my family proud, be successful, make money, somebody they can look up to.

    But I can't seem to live up to my own expectations. So I'm gonna be a bit more selfish, and I plan to end it all. But I wanna go out with a bang. One reason I want to be successful is that my dad used to work a lot abroad. We traveled a lot and he made lot's of money. Mom and dad seemed so happy then; today, after my dad got back to Scandinavia, and his company went bankrupt after the economic crisis in the early 90's, my mom and dad has got a huge debt. I want to help them, but since I'm such a failure, I can't.

    My hope was to perhaps post this message at some 'darker' messageboard, requesting donations, and paying off their debt. I also wanted to leave the world a child, a grandchild for my parents. It's a sick thought, I know, but she wants to, the girl I met, my current 'girlfriend', she wants children... well, you get the idea. To thank for all the donations, I would document my suicide and spread it over the internet - perhaps more people will help me out then. So, I need some money to pay for the childs future too when I do not exist anymore.

    It's a sick and disgusting plan, one that I'm not sure if I can complete, but it would be a great way to go, though I feel sorry for my family. I love them, and I hope I can somehow 'make up' for being such a failure (though they don't see me that way - but my thoughts are so, and I can't change them, I don't want to change them)!

    <mod edit: bunny - against the guidelines>

    Hehe... maybe it's just from depression due to my herpes symptoms (I will get it properly analyzed tommorow, but I'm 99% sure it is, since my girlfriend so greatfully told me afterwards that she had herpes a long time ago), but I might perhaps look back at this post, laughing and disgusted by it. Who knows? I might feel better, though living with herpes for the rest of my life is something I can't see me doing at the moment.

    These are my darkest thoughts right now. As mentioned, if you wanna help me complete my quest, please message me.

    /The Failure
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not a failure by any means. Sometimes people who are perfectionists, set themselves such high standards that it may in some ways be impossible to achieve or they can't achieve them at the present time. Have more faith in yourself.
     
  3. Gonzales21

    Gonzales21 New Member

    Having herpes type 2 is for me my greatest failure, something I will have to live with for the rest of my life - which I don't plan to do, at least not for long.

    <mod edit: bunny - against the guidelines>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2007
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