I spend 90 percent of my waking hours thinking about how to end my life, no one knows what kind of horrible dark shit is in my head, i am afraid to tell them, afraid of sounding completely batshit crazy. I saw my psychiatrist friday, didn't say a word, but felt like I was screaming inside "I am going to kill myself, please stop me", but the words never came out. THe ambivalence is hard to take. Feel like I will attempt just to make the thoughts stop. I need help, but I am afraid to tell anyone. How do I get past this? It hurts so much to live like this. I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, and they don't have a fucking clue what is really going on. I am such a joke.