Dark Times

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by secretsquirrel, Jun 8, 2015.

  1. secretsquirrel

    secretsquirrel New Member

    Hello

    I'm not coping with anything at the moment and everything I look has potential for me to end it all. I have plans. I suffer from uncontrolled seizures, anxiety and depressive episodes and have done for many years.

    But that is nothing compared to my beloved who has been diagnosed with cancer. His prognosis is bad. We live 150 miles apart and have done for the last 18 months although been together for 13 years). If he goes I really don't want to be here anymore. I make plans to join him. He has no idea. I am upbeat for him but I cry alone every night. There is no future for me without my rock.

    The dark thoughts are constant. All day, everyday. I wake up with them and even when I am with my family with the fake smile they are still there. I don't want to be here without him, I really don't. I'm terrified of the future.....
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome, I am really sorry to hear about your partners diagnosis. That must be extremely tough. Here you can talk about all of which is bothering you without being judged. Are you on medications for your mental issues? Maybe you need to make an appointment with your doctor. There is no need to suffer alone :hugs:
     
  3. secretsquirrel

    secretsquirrel New Member

    Yes I take Topamax and Citalopram. My neurologist may change this soon, not sure.

    I made an appointment to see my GP but he is on holiday so can't see him until July (and I won't see anyone else as he is the family Dr and knows us well).
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    How are you finding the medication? Citalopram was the very first psych med I ever took, I don't think it did much for me. If they are not working the doctor will probably change them, try and be patient because it can take a while to find the right medication. It took me years literally.
    That a downer about not being able to see the GP, will you be able to see the neurologist before then?
     
  5. secretsquirrel

    secretsquirrel New Member

    I've been on Citalopram for 10-12 years....my dosage was increased in December to help with the thoughts, and it did for a little while then bang they are back and I walk around prepared again.

    My neuro is booked months ahead and doesn't deal with general MH - he is an epilepsy specialist, so no. I have to wait in line for him. I guess just writing here helpsand someone actually understanding. Thankyou.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are welcome. I'm sorry to hear of your difficult situation, perhaps the citalopram needs tweaking again, it's a good thing you found the increase a few months back helped. Keep talking to us here, many of us are in similar situations and we can relate. Do you have any family support? Could you travel to see your partner who is suffering?
     
  7. secretsquirrel

    secretsquirrel New Member

    Yes I am very fortunate that my family live nearby but I am very proud and have never told them how bad I get. They know I am slightly 'mad' and we make jokes about it but I cannot burden them and never will tell them. I don't want them to act differently with me. They help me when my seizures are bad but I hermit myself when I want to hurt myself or anything. I can't let them know. They have their own problems and to be honest I tried a little today and tested the water and I don't think they get it at all. I tried to explain the difference between 'can't' and 'won't' when we were talking about motivation and exercise and I could see it in their eyes....

    Yes I am hopefully seeing him this week so I will be all grins and upbeat for him :) That is my role :)
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sounds like me and my family, they have seen me fighting for my life on life support when I attempted and ended up in a coma and while they are good to me they just do not get what I am going through and if I try and talk about it they say ''im acting up'' or ''looking for attention''. They accept i am ill though and do things for me that i can't do myself. I'm pretty much treated like an outcast though.
    I understand and can synmpathize with what you are going through, you're very brave,keep on fighting for you and your partner and we will fight this fight with you :)