Darker.. and darker....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Dec 6, 2010.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I almost have trouble writing this as I'm sure none of you really care about me, you don't know me, me being dead does not matter to you so why would you care about my problems?

    I'm a failure, a walking disaster I only bring heartache and problems. Whenever things start to go semi good and there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel I just got sucked back in and things get twice as worse.

    I have no Job I've never had a real, I have no true friends, No GF, very little if any trust in people, I've had a lot of health problems which I could write a whole thread about itself.....

    I have a 3 month old son I was going to be with his mom a few weeks ago and we started but she picked a fight with me so she could go back to her X who just called her a fat ***** and didn't want to be with her.

    I've had lot's of women play games with me, play me for a fool I find texts in their phone talking about receiving money for sex, girls getting guys to hawk me when I go out on date with them(guys they had sex with earlier that day).
    even this last girl I liked we talked a lot and she came to town I rejected a couple other women because I didn't want to sleep around. Well one morning we she was like we need to talk and I pick her up and <Mod Edit, WildCherry> she was out partying earlier so she likely had sex with someone else and then had sex with me after. She of course denied it even though she had lied to me earlier that week saying her friend was only giving her a ride to her grandma's for dinner at 4pm when in fact after detecting a difference in the details she said oh yea they went for lunch together as well.

    So many lies... and games people like to play me for a fool... All I wanted was a normal life you know have a job that I can do and have some enjoyment from have a wife I can come home to love and trust but I'm so damaged only slutty women will go for me since I have no future they will just lie and mess with my head ever more.

    But the reality is I'm 25 now and I haven't done anything with my life I'm just damaged mentally and physically, I can't support myself let alone my child, I feel so horrible.....

    It would be so much easier to kill myself if I didn't have a son... I was stupid to get a girl pregnant I wasn't even dating too, partially I was going through such a bad time I just wanted to die and to have a child for people to remember me from, I know that sounds selfish but it's the reality of what happened.

    I've had some many bad things happen to me yet people could look at me and think I'm blessed which I am in many ways.

    The bottom line is I never see myself having a trusting relationship no one would want me and whoever does would only want me for a bit of fun(sex and muscles) nothing serious they would lie and cheat on me without thinking twice. I never see myself having a normal work life either, I was in the hospital for 4 weeks earlier this year., This came after I got really sick when I had sex with two women I shouldn't I have and I thought it was possible one of them gave me HIV as I had lingering symptoms some of which I still have... Luckily I tested negative for HIV but still I have all kinds of other health problems there are auto immune diseases in my family.

    I've also started smoking marijuana again the past few weeks I'm doing it daily. I was given risperidol in the hopsital but I stopped taking it in july it wasn't doing anything for me. I fucking hate medicine. I did so many drugs when I was younger my brain is permanetly damaged ecstasy and 13 and 14 tons of pot, cocaine and I even tried crack.

    I just can't deal with anything else worse happening in my life... I may look big and macho on the outside but inside I'm sensitive and I notice every little detail. I was even set up last year around my birthday I was drugged taken to a remote restroom in this estbalishment and my hand was broken I don't even rememeber that night past a certain point but I'm a smart guy I know I was set up and fucked with... I had no abrasions on my hand like I would if I punched something, the guy I went out I wasn't friends with and was very likely friends with people who wanted to see me suffer. There was also hand santizer found on my back door matt within a couple days of my hand being broken, which is very weird because I live in a nice neighborhood it was obviously placed there to send a message. I think it was the day before, and it seemed strange to me when I found it...

    I even went against my instinct that night something seemed weird I guess I rationalized someone is either out to set me up or I'm just being paranoid either way my life is fucked and it's a bad situation, so I just went out and when I woke up in a pain I knew I was set up... It's good to follow your instincts because they're usually right!

    Don't even get me started on my X from last year who drove me crazy along with other women, the wouldn't believe the games they played on me and the damage it caused. to someone who is already damaged as well.....
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like you need to stop being used by women. some therapy might help your self-esteem, help you feel better about yourself. u seeing anyone professionally?
  3. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Looks like my last message didn't get approved by the mods, seeing as I'm under moderation, I can't even be a normal member of a suicide forum that just goes how to show up messed up I am. I even get judged here and I get rude remarks and then It upsets me and I say some over the top stuff, and of course whomever said anything rude to me gets a cake walk because they didn't use any swears, and their friend with the chat mods.... You don't need to use swears to be rude, demeaning, condescending and insulting...

    Do or die if you could walk a mile in my shoes you'd be crazy too....

    But I guess I'm such a horrible person I deserve to suffer in every way imaginable mentally, physically, emotionally....

    I know I've hurt lot's of people in my past especially when I was younger and nearly as caring as I should have been. My x from many years ago has PTSD she blames on me because I was controlling and cheated on her but I had so many of my own issues it's not an excuse but I never intended to hurt her like that and now I have to live with that every day...

    I promised to treat my next GF amazing not making the same mistake of taking someone for granted like I did as a teenager and I Just got my head fucked with and used by many different women....

    I was a bit crazy to begin and then all of this crap has been put on my back for me to deal with and it's a little too much...
  4. sdcg76

    sdcg76 Member

    I am so sorry that you have been so mistreated by women in your past. I now you probably think that you are never going to find a good one, but she's out there somewhere, yes I know you've probably heard that a 1,001 times right? But just believe in yourself, yes I know that's so easier said than done at times. I was abused and mistreated by men in my past but I have found a good one! I had to let go of the notion that all men are the same and would treat me the same as the last, which was hard I'll admit, but I hope that you don't think that all women are the same because like I said there still are good ones who want a good man and what he has to offer!:console:
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    are u talking about my post (must be since i'm your only respondent), first off i'm not friends with the moderators and secondly i don't intend to be rude. i ask about therapy because it has helped me in my relationships and with my self-esteem. it's a fair question and i'm sorry you took offense. just trying to help.
  6. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    No I wasn't referring to you at all, I typed out a real long response and since I'm under moderation permantely that post didn't get approved, so I was frustrated I spent that time for it not to be even be posted on the forum. In fairness their may have been some specific graphic details about what this one female did to me which could have been why it wasn't put through.

    Yeah therapy might be of some help to me but I dunno at this point I almost feel too far gone.

    I even had a date tonight set up with a cougar but I just felt so tired I cancelled she probably wouldn't have liked me anyways.
  7. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Thanks I'm sure there are good ones out there but the thing is will the good ones out there actually want and give everything to a guy like me. That is something I'm quite skeptical about they'll want someone better looking, more successful(financially, socially etc), someone who does more things and has the energy to do those things. Women have so many options of guys while I do have a lot to give, my last relationship with this older women in her 30's was the first real one I've had in years and I really liked her but I was nothing to her how could she see a future with a guy who doesn't have a job or what she's said to me on the phone recently "someone who never goes out" which is actually pretty true.

    If for some reason one of those "good girls" to have to settle for a guy like me for whatever reason pity because they could be missing out on meeting a guy who can actually give them everything they want, someone who they can have a future with. My future is dying young.

    Then my self confidence hurts too because I'm insecure I'll think she is lying or cheating on me if she doesn't want to hang out or something and that creates even more torment for me in my head. Whether it's true or not it's not fun.

    Anyways I don't want to go on anymore it's just all depressing, time to go smoke some weed or something..

    I don't want to cause anyone problems or heartache more then I have already

    :i'm sorry: to anyone I've hurt
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