Darkness swallowing me whole

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cupcake, May 6, 2012.

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  1. Cupcake

    Cupcake Member

    My apologies, first, that this is my first post here. Under "normal" circumstances, I'd post something cheerful and introductory. These are not normal times.

    I'm 27, I live with my boyfriend. We share a house with my boyfriend's best friend, his wife and their 5 year old. My boyfriend and the male roomie also play in a band together.

    6 years ago, I had a son with my ex. My ex was highly abusive, and I finally had to leave. The night I left, I had to run out on foot, leaving my son with him. He's a good parent, so I didn't fight for custody. I believe that the parent that can care for the child the best should have custody. That's him. Unfortunately, because of the abuse and my financial stuff, I'm unable to see my son. Most of the time, I'm ok with that, because it's the best place for him. I pay my child support on time- until we moved and I had to quit my job. I've been trying to get another job since then but it's not going well. Now I have a court date about being behind on my support payments. (I'm about 3mo. behind) About the same time I was notified of the court date, my grandfather died. He molested me at a young age. My family-who knows about the abuse and sided with him- wanted me to go to the funeral. I didn't go, I felt like I couldn't take it. My facebook feed was filled with memorials for this man.
    Then my boyfriend gets into an accident. He's a delivery driver. It was a rainy night, he's on a delivery. He didn't see the suv in front of him had stopped. He slammed into them, his car goes underneath the bottom of theirs. Thankfully nobody's hurt, but his car is in bad shape. His parents pay for repairs, now he's got a court date about that.

    I've been having panic attacks, crying spells. I finally got up the nerve to get a therapist. My therapist is reccommending a psychologist too, so I can get back on meds. That appointment is two weeks out.

    I caught myself googling what would happen if I overdosed on Synthroid today. (I'm hypothyroid) The only person I can talk to is my boyfriend-and I know this overwhelms him. I tried to call the local helpline, and they told me to "just go to the hospital if it's THAT bad".

    I feel like I can't continue. The ONLY reason I haven't taken those pills is my boyfriend. Shouldn't I have more reasons than that?!

    Thanks for listening to a newbie. If this is inapproprate, or in the wrong spot, move it or delete it.
  2. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Hi, Cupcake. I am interested in your story and known as something of a good listener. If you need someone to talk with, I would be happy to set some time aside and see if we can figure this out.

    You can PM me, IM me in one of the chat rooms or just talk here. Up to you. Just know I'm here to listen, talk and offer advice.
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    honey, you bf is safe -- that's a blessing!

    you've been through a series of unpleasant incidents, so you must be somewhat in shock and cannot think straight.
    my advice to you -- take one thing at a time.
    if you pause, and look at things from a broader perspective... you might see that your problems are solving themselves.
    i'm glad also that you are seeing psychologist and taking meds soon.

    be strong and be kind to yourself
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Wow! You've been through quite a lot lately, haven't you? I admire your conviction to keep battling through all of the adversity! I don't know if I could do it? Give yourself some credit for how you've handled things thus far, and reward yourself for having such a great attitude about such difficult matters. If you need another set of ears to borrow for the sake of shouting, or singing, or silencing..;) just send me a note, and I'll be happy to get right back to you! I sometimes don't see all of the responses to my posts, simply because I've forgotten, or run out of time, but I've got no problem lending you some of mine! :)
  5. Cupcake

    Cupcake Member

    Thanks for the support guys!

    I'm almost certain that I'm going to suggest going inpatient with the therapist at my appointment tomorrow. I realized today that the only two reasons I haven't taken the pills yet are that 1) I'd hate for my roommate's 5yr old to find me 2) I don't want to leave my boyfriend alone. I also know that my roommates take overnight trips out of town, sometimes for days at a time- and they're overdue for one. Which means in the next week or so I'll be alone almost all night- just me and the bottle, in a showdown. I don't know that I'm strong enough to win. So I'm going to see what the therapist thinks tomorrow.
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