First Light:
This might be very confusing, but I want to try and explain something.
Imagine living for many years in darkness, believing the sounds you hear are normal.
Believing the actions by others is normal, so normal that you actually believe this is how all families are, that using they hands is how they show love, that to show someone that you love them means to hurt them, but you don't understand why it hurts but its normal so you learn to block this unusual feeling.
The normal way to show feelings is to show violence, talk with your hands, if you want respect in the world you have to use your hands. If you want to show someone you love them you have to be cold towards them, you have to be nasty to them. If you want to get respect from a man, you done this thing to him ~ at a young age you don't know what it is, off course you have heard the word sex, but don't understand the meaning of sex. Isn't sex what mum and dad do that's gross. You do something you don't like, but he's happy and that makes you happy but something doesn't feel right but you don't understand so you say nothing, this is normal anyway, its how you sure someone love, if they happy it means they love you.
If your taught that if you don't understand something don't speak about it, if you don't have the words to make sense don't speak. If your not spoken to first, don't speak. That was the rules by mothers family, my mother and her many partners. You wasn't allowed to say anything.
For many years my mum struggled to feed, clothe her children, went without food herself to feed her children. However the cost was, that her mother (aka Nan) would take this out on the children, if she saw you eating sweets, crisps or anything other then the jam sandwiches you had for dinner she would take it away from you. When you stayed at her house, depending on her mood, the day, and also who was there you wouldn't be feed but would be made to stand and watch the others eating if she caught you looking you would be hit, and if she saw you wasn't watching you would be hit. You couldn't win.
When you ill, there is no warmth shown towards you, just the normal coldness and bitterness, but its normal. very normal.
You always feel cold you won't wear warm clothes, you always have to feel the cold.
You start to fear being around people, men and women, people in authority, teachers, the police, nurses, doctors. So much so that you distance yourself from people in the same class as you, always being naughty so you get sent to referral, excluded or even behaviour school. You don't interact with people and become a loner. Your not bullied, people are scared of the way you are and they fore distance themselves from you.
The learned behaviour is, darkness is normal, have no feelings that it doesn't hurt, use violence to show your not scared but only towards people that you don't feel threatened by, have se* with men as its what they want. Don't let people see you eat, don't eat too much. Never speak unless spoken to, never speak of something you don't fully understand and never never never never speak about what happens behind closed doors and bring disrespect on the family.
Darkness for me was normal.
Then........you hit something...not lightness, but something else that I can't explain.
Everything you believed was normal, possibly wasn't normal ~ so you deny all the past, you somehow move on, using drink, drugs to escape even se* with strangers, you put ur life at risk, you put urself in dangerous positions, you live life on the edge but your indestructible and no one can reach you. You cut, but why are you cutting, you have these feelings you can't describe, you don't understand but you can't express them, you can't tell about them, so you cause the pain to yourself the pain you know also well, to block the pain out. Then the darkness comes back..but has it really ever gone? Wasn't the darkness just a shadow, wasn't the shadow you trying to convenience yourself that your not hurting, that your actions are normal. Everything comes crashing down, your world, you own little world, is about to end. Then two word hits you in the face, se*ual ab*se, everywhere you go, the words are screaming at you. You argue, you fight, you tell the demons to shut up, you drink more, but the words get bigger, you take drugs but the words still remain, you can't escape these 2 words.
Then the spot light:
Feelings you have never felt hit you in the face, spiral out of control, you don't know how to deal with them so you do what you always do you violence, use negative attitude towards people, you try to hurt people with nasty words...you try to go back into your own little world, you comfy zone with a expiry date on. Your perfect world, your believes that your childhood was normal all come to an end. You start to find out about se*ual ab*se, you start to discover things about your family, you start to realise that the learned behaviours are not normal.
You know that violence isn't a way to show love, or care and hate seeing violence, hate seeing arguments and yet part of your is still the violent.
You know that love isn't shown in a se*ual way towards a child, and yet part of you still believes and holds onto the fact that it was love.
Its like living in darkness for many years, and then having the blanket ripped from you exposing your eyes to this big bright light, you eyes can't adjust, your mind can't adjust, you feel trapped, you feel alone, all these feelings come flooding in and swamp you, you don't know how to deal with them, you can't even name them, the only thing you know is that your not right, your heading for a fall, you have fallen before but the darkness, the blanket always provided some sort of security, its what you know. The bright light is blinding you, you can't see a way out, you can't find your blanket to cover your eyes.... your eyes are opening up to what the world is, the what the past was, and you can't explain, reach out, ask for support because you don't understand. You don't have the tools to deal with these feelings, you don't have the words to describe what's happening. All you know, is the world you knew, the darkness you lived in has changed...and your not able to cope with it and somehow need to find a way back into the darkness, an escape from reality or some rope that can hold you up for a little longer until you can adjust to this bright light shining in you eyes, before the end is the end and there are no more tomorrows.
Just what happened?
A child, wild, mad, angry, couldn't sit still to even have a book read.
Her father was violent towards mum, brother and sisters
Her father hurt her and done things to gher -
Her father possibly sexually abused her older sister - unconfirmed as sister doesn't want to acknowledge.
How many days, weeks, months, years did it go on?
She can't remember how she felt nor did she know what was happening, just that she wasn't being physically hurt.
Her father moved out and re-married.
Her mother agreed to him having them for the 6 weeks school holidays.
She was in the room with the boys
Her sisters in the room with the girls
Her father and he's wife worked during the day.
The children all went to the adventure playground during the day
She got an earache and was taken to the hospital by her father.
Her sister stepped on rusty nail and was made to suffer until she got back home.
The eldest boy started to hurt the girl on the first night, it only lasted 3 weeks
He tried to penetrate her, but she can't remember if he did or not.
The 6 week holiday was cut to 3 weeks as she told her father what had happened and they were sent home.
About a year after the child was having continous nightmares.
Her older sister told her mum.
Her mum told her to show her what he done using her sister to show.
Her brother hated her.
He would hit hear head against the wall.
Pull her down the stairs
kick her, punch her
mum left him to it.
he would put he's hands around her throat.
head butt her
he shouted at her
he told her noone had to look after her
he told her she was on her own and noone loved her.
he told her she wasn't he's sister.
it continued for 20 years
Mum had a new boyfriend, an irish man. He's brother was funny, kind and gentle.
He wasn't, he drank too much with mum
When she was ill with Hep, she had to remain in the bathroom with it filled with steam
He was drunk, and mum was.
They gave her a drink, don't remember what it was but it made her sick.
Mum left them in the bathroom.
He then hurt her, showered her, and called for her mum.
Mum gave her more drink, and then took her to bed.
They didn't last very long possibly a year.
She was naughty at school
The school bully was always trying to kiss her.
The school bully was playing kiss chase, went to kiss her and she hit him and ran away.
That night she went to the park as normal.
He was there.
Everyone left, just them two playing.
He pulled her off and she feel onto the wood chip.
she kicked him.
he kicked her between the legs
he then kissed her with hes's tongue in her mouth
and then pulled her pants off and penetrated her.
she went home, possibly crying she doens't remember.
went to the bathroom.
mum came into the bathroom saw blood in her knickers
had her a sanitary towel and told her to clean herself up.
Her uncle hated her, and her little sister. he was the one that kicked her father out after he pulled him off mum.
He would hit them
tell them they were unloved
when they spoke he told them they mouths were dirty
he would lock them in the cold bathroom (it was a old house and had no heating in there)
He would wash they mouth out with soap.
He got her drunk she doesn't rememebr what happened only how she felt the next day.
He said we were making mum ill
He said we were evil
He would hide things and say we stole them
I don't remember everything, and he know longer talks to us.
She somehow reached 10 years old ~ her grandad she loves him with her whole heart passed away after a battle with lung cancer, he died the day before he was due to meet my now step dad.
Little did she know, that her life would change ever more once her grandad died.
Jim was already in her life, he was her friends grandad. He started kissing her, touching her, mastubating over her, touching himself, her touching him, disgusting things. dirty things. horible yucky things. disgusting. se* hurt but had se* together. still hurts. don't like it.
Step dad she was a late developer, she was flat chested. play this game, lift ur top and he would tweak and play with her invisable breasts. even after she developed he would still touch her breast, her private area (over her clothes), he would kiss her with he's tongue in her mouth. Sometimes he would bruise her where he would pinch her. She had a love bite on her neck so he done one on her neck. He would say things that made her feel uncomfortable. Because he would touch her breast, he's sons and son in law I guess thought it was an open invitation to also touch her. They would grab her breasts, play with them. I would either laugh, walk away or tell them to stop. I felt uncomfortable with it, but they still done it. Sometimes mum would tell them to stop it, sometimes she would laugh. My nan used to call my step dad a dirty pervert, he didn't seem to care who was around when he would touch me. I know its not nothing serious, no se* took place..its probably not even worth mentioning.
I hate my body, its not mine. My body, nor my mind is my own. It belongs to others. I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel comfortable at all.
How can I live, not feeling whole, not enjoying life..pretending that I'm ok, but when I'm on my own breaking down.
sorry this is very long.
This might be very confusing, but I want to try and explain something.
Imagine living for many years in darkness, believing the sounds you hear are normal.
Believing the actions by others is normal, so normal that you actually believe this is how all families are, that using they hands is how they show love, that to show someone that you love them means to hurt them, but you don't understand why it hurts but its normal so you learn to block this unusual feeling.
The normal way to show feelings is to show violence, talk with your hands, if you want respect in the world you have to use your hands. If you want to show someone you love them you have to be cold towards them, you have to be nasty to them. If you want to get respect from a man, you done this thing to him ~ at a young age you don't know what it is, off course you have heard the word sex, but don't understand the meaning of sex. Isn't sex what mum and dad do that's gross. You do something you don't like, but he's happy and that makes you happy but something doesn't feel right but you don't understand so you say nothing, this is normal anyway, its how you sure someone love, if they happy it means they love you.
If your taught that if you don't understand something don't speak about it, if you don't have the words to make sense don't speak. If your not spoken to first, don't speak. That was the rules by mothers family, my mother and her many partners. You wasn't allowed to say anything.
For many years my mum struggled to feed, clothe her children, went without food herself to feed her children. However the cost was, that her mother (aka Nan) would take this out on the children, if she saw you eating sweets, crisps or anything other then the jam sandwiches you had for dinner she would take it away from you. When you stayed at her house, depending on her mood, the day, and also who was there you wouldn't be feed but would be made to stand and watch the others eating if she caught you looking you would be hit, and if she saw you wasn't watching you would be hit. You couldn't win.
When you ill, there is no warmth shown towards you, just the normal coldness and bitterness, but its normal. very normal.
You always feel cold you won't wear warm clothes, you always have to feel the cold.
You start to fear being around people, men and women, people in authority, teachers, the police, nurses, doctors. So much so that you distance yourself from people in the same class as you, always being naughty so you get sent to referral, excluded or even behaviour school. You don't interact with people and become a loner. Your not bullied, people are scared of the way you are and they fore distance themselves from you.
The learned behaviour is, darkness is normal, have no feelings that it doesn't hurt, use violence to show your not scared but only towards people that you don't feel threatened by, have se* with men as its what they want. Don't let people see you eat, don't eat too much. Never speak unless spoken to, never speak of something you don't fully understand and never never never never speak about what happens behind closed doors and bring disrespect on the family.
Darkness for me was normal.
Then........you hit something...not lightness, but something else that I can't explain.
Everything you believed was normal, possibly wasn't normal ~ so you deny all the past, you somehow move on, using drink, drugs to escape even se* with strangers, you put ur life at risk, you put urself in dangerous positions, you live life on the edge but your indestructible and no one can reach you. You cut, but why are you cutting, you have these feelings you can't describe, you don't understand but you can't express them, you can't tell about them, so you cause the pain to yourself the pain you know also well, to block the pain out. Then the darkness comes back..but has it really ever gone? Wasn't the darkness just a shadow, wasn't the shadow you trying to convenience yourself that your not hurting, that your actions are normal. Everything comes crashing down, your world, you own little world, is about to end. Then two word hits you in the face, se*ual ab*se, everywhere you go, the words are screaming at you. You argue, you fight, you tell the demons to shut up, you drink more, but the words get bigger, you take drugs but the words still remain, you can't escape these 2 words.
Then the spot light:
Feelings you have never felt hit you in the face, spiral out of control, you don't know how to deal with them so you do what you always do you violence, use negative attitude towards people, you try to hurt people with nasty words...you try to go back into your own little world, you comfy zone with a expiry date on. Your perfect world, your believes that your childhood was normal all come to an end. You start to find out about se*ual ab*se, you start to discover things about your family, you start to realise that the learned behaviours are not normal.
You know that violence isn't a way to show love, or care and hate seeing violence, hate seeing arguments and yet part of your is still the violent.
You know that love isn't shown in a se*ual way towards a child, and yet part of you still believes and holds onto the fact that it was love.
Its like living in darkness for many years, and then having the blanket ripped from you exposing your eyes to this big bright light, you eyes can't adjust, your mind can't adjust, you feel trapped, you feel alone, all these feelings come flooding in and swamp you, you don't know how to deal with them, you can't even name them, the only thing you know is that your not right, your heading for a fall, you have fallen before but the darkness, the blanket always provided some sort of security, its what you know. The bright light is blinding you, you can't see a way out, you can't find your blanket to cover your eyes.... your eyes are opening up to what the world is, the what the past was, and you can't explain, reach out, ask for support because you don't understand. You don't have the tools to deal with these feelings, you don't have the words to describe what's happening. All you know, is the world you knew, the darkness you lived in has changed...and your not able to cope with it and somehow need to find a way back into the darkness, an escape from reality or some rope that can hold you up for a little longer until you can adjust to this bright light shining in you eyes, before the end is the end and there are no more tomorrows.
Just what happened?
A child, wild, mad, angry, couldn't sit still to even have a book read.
Her father was violent towards mum, brother and sisters
Her father hurt her and done things to gher -
Her father possibly sexually abused her older sister - unconfirmed as sister doesn't want to acknowledge.
How many days, weeks, months, years did it go on?
She can't remember how she felt nor did she know what was happening, just that she wasn't being physically hurt.
Her father moved out and re-married.
Her mother agreed to him having them for the 6 weeks school holidays.
She was in the room with the boys
Her sisters in the room with the girls
Her father and he's wife worked during the day.
The children all went to the adventure playground during the day
She got an earache and was taken to the hospital by her father.
Her sister stepped on rusty nail and was made to suffer until she got back home.
The eldest boy started to hurt the girl on the first night, it only lasted 3 weeks
He tried to penetrate her, but she can't remember if he did or not.
The 6 week holiday was cut to 3 weeks as she told her father what had happened and they were sent home.
About a year after the child was having continous nightmares.
Her older sister told her mum.
Her mum told her to show her what he done using her sister to show.
Her brother hated her.
He would hit hear head against the wall.
Pull her down the stairs
kick her, punch her
mum left him to it.
he would put he's hands around her throat.
head butt her
he shouted at her
he told her noone had to look after her
he told her she was on her own and noone loved her.
he told her she wasn't he's sister.
it continued for 20 years
Mum had a new boyfriend, an irish man. He's brother was funny, kind and gentle.
He wasn't, he drank too much with mum
When she was ill with Hep, she had to remain in the bathroom with it filled with steam
He was drunk, and mum was.
They gave her a drink, don't remember what it was but it made her sick.
Mum left them in the bathroom.
He then hurt her, showered her, and called for her mum.
Mum gave her more drink, and then took her to bed.
They didn't last very long possibly a year.
She was naughty at school
The school bully was always trying to kiss her.
The school bully was playing kiss chase, went to kiss her and she hit him and ran away.
That night she went to the park as normal.
He was there.
Everyone left, just them two playing.
He pulled her off and she feel onto the wood chip.
she kicked him.
he kicked her between the legs
he then kissed her with hes's tongue in her mouth
and then pulled her pants off and penetrated her.
she went home, possibly crying she doens't remember.
went to the bathroom.
mum came into the bathroom saw blood in her knickers
had her a sanitary towel and told her to clean herself up.
Her uncle hated her, and her little sister. he was the one that kicked her father out after he pulled him off mum.
He would hit them
tell them they were unloved
when they spoke he told them they mouths were dirty
he would lock them in the cold bathroom (it was a old house and had no heating in there)
He would wash they mouth out with soap.
He got her drunk she doesn't rememebr what happened only how she felt the next day.
He said we were making mum ill
He said we were evil
He would hide things and say we stole them
I don't remember everything, and he know longer talks to us.
She somehow reached 10 years old ~ her grandad she loves him with her whole heart passed away after a battle with lung cancer, he died the day before he was due to meet my now step dad.
Little did she know, that her life would change ever more once her grandad died.
Jim was already in her life, he was her friends grandad. He started kissing her, touching her, mastubating over her, touching himself, her touching him, disgusting things. dirty things. horible yucky things. disgusting. se* hurt but had se* together. still hurts. don't like it.
Step dad she was a late developer, she was flat chested. play this game, lift ur top and he would tweak and play with her invisable breasts. even after she developed he would still touch her breast, her private area (over her clothes), he would kiss her with he's tongue in her mouth. Sometimes he would bruise her where he would pinch her. She had a love bite on her neck so he done one on her neck. He would say things that made her feel uncomfortable. Because he would touch her breast, he's sons and son in law I guess thought it was an open invitation to also touch her. They would grab her breasts, play with them. I would either laugh, walk away or tell them to stop. I felt uncomfortable with it, but they still done it. Sometimes mum would tell them to stop it, sometimes she would laugh. My nan used to call my step dad a dirty pervert, he didn't seem to care who was around when he would touch me. I know its not nothing serious, no se* took place..its probably not even worth mentioning.
I hate my body, its not mine. My body, nor my mind is my own. It belongs to others. I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel comfortable at all.
How can I live, not feeling whole, not enjoying life..pretending that I'm ok, but when I'm on my own breaking down.
sorry this is very long.
