Darkness.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ValentineBabe, May 19, 2014.

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  1. ValentineBabe

    ValentineBabe Active Member

    Absolute darkness surrounds me.....yesterday today inevitably tomorrow. Thoughts of suicide are nearly constant.....no one is even aware persons closest to me are unaware of my thoughts. How did I become this worthless hollow shell of a being. I once was a person I believed in, now......many have lead me to believe I have no meaning I am a monster of sorts. How can they question me how can they question my actions.

    I clearly am worth nothing or they would treat me with love with kindness with acceptance. Once they did but now..........my depression and anxiety is misunderstood so throw me away. How can you do so easily.

    These feelings this isolation the loneliness the darkness ......it's unbearable. I just want to go...so I can be in peace...........and so will they
     
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    you say many have led you to believe. what about the few who haven't?
    what is your own unbias opinion on yourself, both good and bad?

    many times lack acceptance because noone wants to see us depressed when we were once so great. we can be great again. people also find it hard to support depression. then must find new support.
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi ValentineBabe, pleased to meet you. I am sorry for the space you're in atm - I have been through a similar experience myself and it's taught me always to have faith, no matter what my feelings, because I know my feelings don't always reflect Reality to me accurately, and I can seek more wisdom which will heal my mind. It would be an honour to walk with you through this dark patch and to talk about how to do this so that in time you will notice that your thoughts are not beating you up like they used to and things can change :)
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Going through depression and loneliness is tough. Overthinking is bad and will cause a turmoil of emotion. Don't think you are alone. It's had to overcome on your own. You need to focus on the positive aspect of your life.

    Don't think you are alone in the darkness. It's hard but just take one day at a time.

    Welcome to the forum, please keep posting and take care.
     
  5. tjh196

    tjh196 New Member

    I too have these awful feelings of loneliness. Mine is because I can't seem to find a relationship that will last. Friends always say they are there for you but when you get depressed or in a bad spot they disappear. I too have thoughts of suicide daily. I absolutely know what you are going through.
     
  6. ValentineBabe

    ValentineBabe Active Member

    Thank you all I appreciate your replies and encouragement. Just knowing someone out there is even thinking about me makes a difference even if it's for a brief moment.

    So help me with this... Last week I missed my bf's middle (12th gr) and youngest (8th) daughters graduation ceremonies due to depression and bout of extreme social anxiety. I know his daughters probably hate by now because I seem to be so "absent" often. They are unaware of my conditions. Now his oldest has a baby shower in a couple of weeks and I seriously doubt I can attend - they hv invited 100+ people most I do not know. I grow more depressed and anxious knowing I am missing these major life events and they don't understand why nor does anyone else for that matter and I don't want them thinking I do not love them or care about them. So of course I just fall deeper into this dark pit because of the immense guilt I feel and I can't handle them thinking even for a moment that I do not care or love them.
    Most would say I just brought this on myself but many times I am simply unable to leave my home or be around a group of people I just cannot handle it. Oh god help me. Help me stop hating myself for how I am affecting others.
     
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Sometimes VB, we just have to look after ourselves first, but I do understand what you are going through as I remember not being able to attend an important function when I knew I just would not be able to survive the evening. I do understand that guilt is a 'biggie', but our reasons are real for us although other people cannot understand our reality we cannot be responsible for how they choose to think. All we know is that, if it were not for the stuff going on in our heads, we would be able to meet their expectations of us better, it is not because we don't want to. :)
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi VB, all of us go through tough times but we deal it in our own way. You just need to take one day at a time and don't worry about events. Like I say to others I just cope with my depression by living on day by day basis. You will overcome you situation over a period of time. You need to focus on the positive aspects of your life. Please take care.
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There is nothing wrong with not attending social functions if they stress you out. Send a nice card (real card not email) and if it is appropriate in your mind a gift with a personal note of congratulations. That shows you are not insensitive and it not that you "don't care". If you do that and they have an issue with your not physically being there then it is their issue and not yours. Would you expect them to attend a function of yours if you knew it would make them miserable? You do not need to explain in great details the whys as it would simply sound like excuses- just do what is right for you and if this is a long lasting relationship it is just going to have to be accepted that there are some things you do not attend.
     
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