Don't really have a clue as to where to begin. I've been trying to remain spiritual and positive, however it is become difficult. I find that I go back and forth from the happiness and depression extremes. It has become to the point where suicidal thoughts have plagued my mind for weeks at a time. For the moment, it does not stale and smolder my existence. I think I may have executed such an act had the thought of the mess not looked so gruesome from the window of my apartment. I try listening to cheerful music as it does have an influence on my mood; I even donate my time to helping others on help lines, as I seem to be able to do it effortlessly and with ease. It does boost my self-esteem, but only a thrust of positive energy before I get caught up in the scenes cut out of the horror films. I'm only eighteen and I'm not enjoying the ride, needless to say. Life is full of ups and downs as I'm told: but what has my life been up till now? Everyday is yesterdays recycled misfortune, and I have so little going for me, that it has become almost unimaginable to cling to faith. I hate this world, I feel as if I could have done so much more, but I wasn't equipped to be successful in what society deems appropriate and necessary. All throughout my school life, I was identified as being 'mentally disabled'; therefore I was placed in special education. I could tell you that I am much more intelligent than the majority that I come in contact with, without question, but that doesn't mean a thing. I was even sent to an alternative school as a result. They did remove me as they felt I didn't require their assistance. I was so horrible in school, my grades were atrocious, I failed classes constantly, and finally I had dropped out. I needed to keep my sanity. I need pills to help me concentrate and for this bad anxiety too. I've developed so many negative blocks as a result of this. People would humiliate me for my educational status and this affliction they call ugliness. Everywhere I went people would spit and throw garbage at me, but that is no longer a problem. The problem now is that I have to compete in this technological world full of peer pressure unarmed and severely disadvantaged. It angers me that I may very well survive my entire life off some blue-collar job, or perhaps worst. It angers me for I am under the very impression that I could have made a fine doctor or lawyer. I'm just riding on the hope that I'll make it as a writer, that I'll be able to support myself off my writings, but there are no guidelines or promises as a writer. I carry so much baggage too, and I can't seem to escape this life style quickly enough. I come from excessively dysfunctional family. Let me elaborate, my mother, sister, uncle were maliciously abused as children. My grandmother was even so brazen to feed them dog food spread sandwiches. They were abandoned to left forced to steal to survive. They even traveled group homes eventually, may I add are closed due to abuse. What does this all translate for me? They abuse alcohol and drug as an anesthetic for life. They aren't going anywhere in this life, instead they live off of disability checks. Sadly, they are the only family I have; they are actually the few people I have. I am a product of rape, as a group of men decided that it was ok to rape a sixteen year old girl. I think I am even a product of my mothers drinking too. I have no father; I have no intention of finding him, as I would probably need to invite the paramedics to come harvest to soon to be unused organs. It's like I have no family, very few people I can trust and rely on. So when I leave behind my childhood I fear I will have to abandon my 'family'. I have nobody, I have so few friends, I'm not entirely sure calling them that would be appropriate, as I am a loner. I don't understand why I've had so much misfortune. Even the small things seem to stab me in the back; those come in twos and threes as well. I have a lazy eye, flat feet, weak joints, weak back, and reminiscence of my serious five year acne siege. Even my nationality has caused me problems; I am biracial, Vietnamese / Caucasian mix. I guess you could say I'm getting a little discouraged with this life. Not even in my subconscious mind do I get peace. My entire life I've never remember my dreams, never. Not once, not until eight or nine months ago. Suddenly I get all of these damn dreams. Most of them are in relation to this one girl. This girl, I had a huge crush on, and she was very much interested in my. Although we only exchanged words once, she has angered me a great deal. Sadly I keep getting dreams of her; almost all of my dreams are of her. There is even a mystery man, a guy I can't quite put a name to the face, who seems determined to convince me that will be with this girl. I've had numerous search dreams. Not only that, I've had several dreams that seemed so real, where I meet her. I left her a note in her locker with my email last year, but I've received nothing. I doubt I will ever see her again. I don't understand why my mind must continue to get taxed. I think I am meeting up with her on some other spiritual plane, or perhaps I may be going crazy now. She is the first girl that I've truely been hurt by, I can't seem to vindicate myself of her. And there you have it, a portion of my life. I don't know what I'm going to do to help myself. There doesn't seem to be anything for me in this life.