Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jonspen, Sep 24, 2006.

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  1. Jonspen

    Jonspen New Member

    Don't really have a clue as to where to begin. I've been trying to remain spiritual and positive, however it is become difficult. I find that I go back and forth from the happiness and depression extremes. It has become to the point where suicidal thoughts have plagued my mind for weeks at a time. For the moment, it does not stale and smolder my existence. I think I may have executed such an act had the thought of the mess not looked so gruesome from the window of my apartment. I try listening to cheerful music as it does have an influence on my mood; I even donate my time to helping others on help lines, as I seem to be able to do it effortlessly and with ease. It does boost my self-esteem, but only a thrust of positive energy before I get caught up in the scenes cut out of the horror films. I'm only eighteen and I'm not enjoying the ride, needless to say. Life is full of ups and downs as I'm told: but what has my life been up till now? Everyday is yesterdays recycled misfortune, and I have so little going for me, that it has become almost unimaginable to cling to faith.

    I hate this world, I feel as if I could have done so much more, but I wasn't equipped to be successful in what society deems appropriate and necessary. All throughout my school life, I was identified as being 'mentally disabled'; therefore I was placed in special education. I could tell you that I am much more intelligent than the majority that I come in contact with, without question, but that doesn't mean a thing. I was even sent to an alternative school as a result. They did remove me as they felt I didn't require their assistance. I was so horrible in school, my grades were atrocious, I failed classes constantly, and finally I had dropped out. I needed to keep my sanity. I need pills to help me concentrate and for this bad anxiety too. I've developed so many negative blocks as a result of this. People would humiliate me for my educational status and this affliction they call ugliness. Everywhere I went people would spit and throw garbage at me, but that is no longer a problem. The problem now is that I have to compete in this technological world full of peer pressure unarmed and severely disadvantaged. It angers me that I may very well survive my entire life off some blue-collar job, or perhaps worst. It angers me for I am under the very impression that I could have made a fine doctor or lawyer. I'm just riding on the hope that I'll make it as a writer, that I'll be able to support myself off my writings, but there are no guidelines or promises as a writer.

    I carry so much baggage too, and I can't seem to escape this life style quickly enough. I come from excessively dysfunctional family. Let me elaborate, my mother, sister, uncle were maliciously abused as children. My grandmother was even so brazen to feed them dog food spread sandwiches. They were abandoned to left forced to steal to survive. They even traveled group homes eventually, may I add are closed due to abuse. What does this all translate for me? They abuse alcohol and drug as an anesthetic for life. They aren't going anywhere in this life, instead they live off of disability checks. Sadly, they are the only family I have; they are actually the few people I have. I am a product of rape, as a group of men decided that it was ok to rape a sixteen year old girl. I think I am even a product of my mothers drinking too. I have no father; I have no intention of finding him, as I would probably need to invite the paramedics to come harvest to soon to be unused organs. It's like I have no family, very few people I can trust and rely on. So when I leave behind my childhood I fear I will have to abandon my 'family'. I have nobody, I have so few friends, I'm not entirely sure calling them that would be appropriate, as I am a loner.

    I don't understand why I've had so much misfortune. Even the small things seem to stab me in the back; those come in twos and threes as well. I have a lazy eye, flat feet, weak joints, weak back, and reminiscence of my serious five year acne siege. Even my nationality has caused me problems; I am biracial, Vietnamese / Caucasian mix. I guess you could say I'm getting a little discouraged with this life.

    Not even in my subconscious mind do I get peace. My entire life I've never remember my dreams, never. Not once, not until eight or nine months ago. Suddenly I get all of these damn dreams. Most of them are in relation to this one girl. This girl, I had a huge crush on, and she was very much interested in my. Although we only exchanged words once, she has angered me a great deal. Sadly I keep getting dreams of her; almost all of my dreams are of her. There is even a mystery man, a guy I can't quite put a name to the face, who seems determined to convince me that will be with this girl. I've had numerous search dreams. Not only that, I've had several dreams that seemed so real, where I meet her. I left her a note in her locker with my email last year, but I've received nothing. I doubt I will ever see her again. I don't understand why my mind must continue to get taxed. I think I am meeting up with her on some other spiritual plane, or perhaps I may be going crazy now. She is the first girl that I've truely been hurt by, I can't seem to vindicate myself of her.

    And there you have it, a portion of my life. I don't know what I'm going to do to help myself. There doesn't seem to be anything for me in this life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2006
  2. somberlou

    somberlou Member

    I know that this may seem like the same crap that everyone says, but it can get better. You are on the verge of a new life and that is terrifying not to mention the numerous things that you have already had to suffer through. But you are not alone and you can be helped. Family is what you make not necessarily only the people you are born to. You can develope new relationships and meet new people and in no time have a new family. Just because you grow up doesn't mean that you leave everything behind. Your childhood will follow you forever, it is who you are, but not what you have to be. You can take your talent fo writing and use it to let out your rage, and depression. Vent yourself through your words and learn how wonderful it can be to release those feelings. You are not alone you are never alone, no matter how alone you feel. there will be someone who may not be with you at the time but will be going through the same feelings. You have your computer find someone to chat with etc. As for the dreams about your crush, those happen. You are not going crazy. Those dreams can be torture and you will possibly have dreams like that for years to come, but they are just dreams and one day you will have someone how is with you in reality as hard as that may be for you to believe. There is hope for you and it can get better. You are just in a bad time right now. i hope that you keep writing to let the feelings release
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    First of all I would like to say welcome to the forum. It's a shame that any of us ends up in the sort of position where we need a place like this but that being the case I'm glad you have found it. I have read the 2 posts you have placed so far and understand what a rough ride life has so far given you. I also perceive that you have a great strength in you which has enabled you to survive the awful experiences you have had. You say how you failed in school and yet seldom have I come across writing which has such depth and feeling to it. You have a real talent there. Don't give up on that whatever you do. Life can get better for you. If ever you want to chat it would be a pleasure and you can message me anytime. I have also sent you a private message. I do hope you can find what you are looking for here in the forum. Wishing you all the best.S.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you posted...each of us has been the victim of someone else's limits and it is unfortunate that ppl usually limit ourselves because of their own insecurities...ppl who have probs in school (myself included although I did get a doctorate from an Ivy uni...had to show them!) do not necessisarily have to be a failure in life (Einstein's IQ was recorded to be sub-normal as he was LD)...hope your writing comes to fruition and that you can find pride and enjoyment in it...all the best, J
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