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Date didn't work out

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#1
OK, this is really petty and probably just undue anxiety.
I'm very awkward around women, (not misogynistic, just awkward). I've recently tried to grow as a person, and do some more productive stuff (lifting again, taking future careers seriously).
Recently I found someone on OKC, and we seemed to hit it off. I tried to plan an e-date today, but it didn't work out because she was too busy. She's had a odd breakdown to me already, which was odd and remionded me of my abusive ex.
Thats it, really. I'm just a bit sad for this, as I put effort in. That's it. Just a stupid rant.
 
#3
90% of all relationships fail. If you are with a woman, there's 90% chance that you will break up eventually.

Building relationships in this age is extremely difficult.

Speaking of dating, it's even worse. If 1 of 10 dates turn into relationship, you're hardcore successful. Expect something from the range 1:20 to 1:50, depending on your attractiveness and skills.

I'm saying that to cheer you up. You are not the worst. Everyone is struggling. Keep trying, but remember of 2 things:
1. Just because you failed doesn't mean you are bad. Everyone has the same problem today.
2. Don't expect much, or better don't expect anything. Just focus on the next goal and try to enjoy whatever little you get.
 

Walker

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#4
90% of all relationships fail. If you are with a woman, there's 90% chance that you will break up eventually.
I just came from a thread where you advised someone to work harder to find herself a husband so she would have more money and now here you are spouting inaccurate "facts". Your relationship advice is utterly shit. I imagine with this kind of thinking there's a strong reason you're single.
In fact, relationships that start after age 30 have a much higher probability of lasting a great deal longer, though that isn't the case for the OP, as they are only 19 according to their profile. They do have a lesser chance of finding lasting love with ease but time will only increase that.
Furthermore, NO relationships have a 90% failure rate. Go out there on the internet and find that stat. Long distance, same sex couples, young people, older people, widowed people, interracial couples, couples separated by decades of age --- every single type of coupling has a more lasting chance than 10% so stop shoving your false, opinionated ideas into people's heads.
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#6
Sorry that this happened.


You're welcome to say more about that if you'd like
Ah right:
Trigger warning:
She told me a lot of stuff:
One of her friends killed himself after reporting child pornography and having child pornography on his phone to do the reporting
She told me how she didnt feel pretty (I kind of simped out), which is already absolutely terrifying because I'm never open about my feelings, and I love to help. It took 7 hours, which I'd gladly do but it worried me, after she only knew me for four days. Since I don't often talk to women, I do not know if this is common or not? So I tried to empathize the best I could.
The horrifying thing about this is that so far, its been following the exact same path as my ex. Very open, needed constant reassurance and was otherwise uninterested in me, which culminated in her telling me she'd kill herself if I ever tried to break up (which I eventually did, she didn't), small amounts of physical abuse (lots of slapping) and continuous abuse over text.

I'm terrified of being in a romantic relationship. I hate how vulnerable they make me feel.

Sorry for the rant, btw.
 

Walker

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#7
whew. yeah that sounds like a woman with a personality disorder right there so if you've already experienced that and decided it's not for you then perhaps you're better off to keep shopping instead of "settling" for someone who is just replying to you. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial and she sounds like this will be very one sided.
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#8
whew. yeah that sounds like a woman with a personality disorder right there so if you've already experienced that and decided it's not for you then perhaps you're better off to keep shopping instead of "settling" for someone who is just replying to you. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial and she sounds like this will be very one sided.
Yeah, that makes sense. I really can't go through that again. Sorry to keep bothering you, but block and ghost or should I try to explain?
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#9
Ah right:
Trigger warning:
She told me a lot of stuff:
One of her friends killed himself after reporting child pornography and having child pornography on his phone to do the reporting
She told me how she didnt feel pretty (I kind of simped out), which is already absolutely terrifying because I'm never open about my feelings, and I love to help. It took 7 hours, which I'd gladly do but it worried me, after she only knew me for four days. Since I don't often talk to women, I do not know if this is common or not? So I tried to empathize the best I could.
The horrifying thing about this is that so far, its been following the exact same path as my ex. Very open, needed constant reassurance and was otherwise uninterested in me, which culminated in her telling me she'd kill herself if I ever tried to break up (which I eventually did, she didn't), small amounts of physical abuse (lots of slapping) and continuous abuse over text.

I'm terrified of being in a romantic relationship. I hate how vulnerable they make me feel.

Sorry for the rant, btw.
Oh wow, yeah, this is definitely NOT common. You dodged a bullet. Block her and move on. You are young and you will find far better options out there.
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#10
Thanks homies. Just to clarify, the girl I'm currently messaging is not the abuser, my ex was. Sorry if I didn't make this clear. Does the same advice still apply?
 

Walker

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#11
Sorry to keep bothering you, but block and ghost or should I try to explain?
oh boy -- I'm voting none of the above to be honest.
For me, ghosting her is a dick move because people as a whole deserve more, right? You wouldn't want to be ghosted.

I think that you say something like "I don't think this is going to work out" or "I've decided to pursue other interests" (or whatever you like without lying a whole shit load) but I don't necessarily think you should say "I don't want to date you because I think you're going to be nuts in a year *or* you remind me of my ex. If she starts kicking off then try to explain for a minute but don't drag it out. If it carries on for longer than 30 minutes then go on and block her.

This is just my opinion so everyone feel free to disagree and jump my shit now. :)
 

Walker

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#12
Thanks homies. Just to clarify, the girl I'm currently messaging is not the abuser, my ex was. Sorry if I didn't make this clear. Does the same advice still apply?
No, no I was reading your message perfectly right on. I followed you
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#13
oh boy -- I'm voting none of the above to be honest.
For me, ghosting her is a dick move because people as a whole deserve more, right? You wouldn't want to be ghosted.

I think that you say something like "I don't think this is going to work out" or "I've decided to pursue other interests" (or whatever you like without lying a whole shit load) but I don't necessarily think you should say "I don't want to date you because I think you're going to be nuts in a year *or* you remind me of my ex. If she starts kicking off then try to explain for a minute but don't drag it out. If it carries on for longer than 30 minutes then go on and block her.

This is just my opinion so everyone feel free to disagree and jump my shit now. :)
OK, thanks very much. I don't really get social cues tbh, so this is very useful. TYSM
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#15
That's true, or like some sort of confidence thing.
She said she was fine with being friends, which makes me happy! Small movements :D
 

Walker

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#16
We'll look at you fine tuning the social ladder like that. Easier than you thought?
 
#19
The horrifying thing about this is that so far, its been following the exact same path as my ex. Very open, needed constant reassurance and was otherwise uninterested in me, which culminated in her telling me she'd kill herself if I ever tried to break up (which I eventually did, she didn't), small amounts of physical abuse (lots of slapping) and continuous abuse over text.
should I try to explain?
She's opened up about her friends's suicide, she's insecure about her looks, and she hasn't paid shown much interest in listening to you so far. This doesn't mean necessarily mean that she would be like your abusive ex.

Unless you're sure that you don't want to be in a relationship with her and you don't think it would work out, maybe you could just try explaining. I think it would be fine to tell her that you had an abusive relationship previously, and that you have a lot of anxiety about relationships because of your experience.

She should be receptive to this. I don't think you have to abandon this right away. You also don't have to feel obligated to be with her either.

If you think you might want to be with her, just take things slowly, and maybe get some advice from a domestic abuse organization.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources. They've got some articles and a list of books there, as well as a directory of organizations. If you read a book about DV or talk to a domestic abuse counselor, they may be able to help guide you through this.
 

iwihbn

Don't the sun look angry at me?
#20
That's a lot of promises!
Its fine, I love to bake! And honestly, I do enjoy the Big Bang Theory, there are a lot of dimensions which open up after really thinking about it (it isnt funny tho)
She's opened up about her friends's suicide, she's insecure about her looks, and she hasn't paid shown much interest in listening to you so far. This doesn't mean necessarily mean that she would be like your abusive ex.

Unless you're sure that you don't want to be in a relationship with her and you don't think it would work out, maybe you could just try explaining. I think it would be fine to tell her that you had an abusive relationship previously, and that you have a lot of anxiety about relationships because of your experience.

She should be receptive to this. I don't think you have to abandon this right away. You also don't have to feel obligated to be with her either.

If you think you might want to be with her, just take things slowly, and maybe get some advice from a domestic abuse organization.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources. They've got some articles and a list of books there, as well as a directory of organizations. If you read a book about DV or talk to a domestic abuse counselor, they may be able to help guide you through this.
I would, but its something I really don't like to talk about. I'm only 19, and we dated when I was 17 and she was 16, so no-one would take me seriously anymore, so we never lived together.
The only reason I speak on here is because there's a less than 1 chance of anyone finding out who I am
 

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