Dating a suicidal person when you are/used to be suicidal yourself.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by the_1_you_loved, Aug 19, 2008.

  1. My situation is particularly special.

    I met a guy about two years ago online through a friend. At the time I knew little about him, but we became okay friends. He was there when I slipped deepest into my depression and suicide thoughts. At the time, and for a good year and a half, I knew little about him; he knew everything about me. I was drawn to his charm, and he ended up being the only person I would turn to in my times of need. He had a way of making me feel unbelievably comfortable, and he understood me in a way. He never forced me to tell him anything, and he never judged me.

    I don't think I realized I was in love with him until his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he came to me; not knowing she had cheated, only that she had left him. Looking back, I wasn't the most supportive of friends for a while because I was needy, but as time progressed, I helped him through it.

    I finally got the courage to call him for the first time in my life. We had never met, he lives 1500 miles away from me, but it was a nice change to hear his voice. We became really really close, and we just talked about random things. He always made things fun, always distracted me from the dark side of life with his cute smile and addicting laugh.

    He asked me out May 17th, and I said yes. It was after this that I started to realize how little I knew about him... We started off talking only a little; now we talk 6 hours a day on the phone, quite literally.

    I befriended his best friend through Facebook, and one particularly night, stumbled upon something I didn't know about him; he had spent time in the Hospital and with a Psychiatrist because of an attempt at suicide a year back or so. I didn't want to question him about it, but I hinted on it anyways, and he confessed to it. After this, he opened up a lot more.

    He's on antidepressants, and has tried to kill himself three times. It started about 5 years back when the first girl he had ever loved committed suicide; reasons unknown. He blamed himself, he's still convinced he's a monster.

    ANYWAYS, What I'm trying to ask is... how do I go about helping him? How should I react, what should I do? I want to support him, but we've never met (we do love each other very much) and he lives quite far. I'm seeing him in March for the first time ever; finishing an extra semester in High School first. But I really want to be there for him, I just don't know how.

    And please please please refrain from questioning our relationship in general. I know I'm young and naive, and that I have never met him and it's quite 'dangerous', but I truly do care for him like nothing I ever have before.
  2. Oh, and we don't have to just address my situation; we can talk about it in general. How do two suicidal people support each other in a relationship?

    I mean, I know there have been times where his depressive states have triggered mine, and vice-versa....

    Any advice?
  3. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I really do understand where you are coming from. I'm in a similar situation right now. I think it just really helps when you are able to talk to one an other about what's on your mind.

    And then being able to make each other smile, through words :) It really helps just knowing there is at least one person who cares for you. I feel when I talk to him, I have no problems, it's great. I forget about being suicidal and just enjoy myself.
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well you have both been through it, so I think it can be a healthy relationship. You both know what it's like to be down, and so you can better understand and help a person get through their tough times.
    Just be there for him like he was there for you. Talk to him, and let him know that you understand.

    Doctors have told me it's not a good idea for two depressed or suicidal people to get together because it just stacks on the problems. Or something to that extent. But I do not see it that way at all. I think there is a better understanding and a deeper connection.
    Hope everything goes well from now until March and after that as well :)
  5. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    From a good article related to this issue:

    So, as the other posters have said, the disadvantages may be outweighed by the advantages, depending on the specific factors involved.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2008
  6. Dark~ness

    Dark~ness Member

    I think you're both very lucky that you have each other in your lives. It's great to have such a connection. I believe that you can't truly understand something unless you have been through it yourself, and you both have...

    My best friend has bi-polar. There have been times where she has been suicidal, and times where I have been suicidal. She is the one person in the world that I know I can talk to, and she won't judge me. And vice versa. I know she'll understand how I'm feeling as she's been there too. I have to point out though, that although it's good that you both understand each other, it isn't always an advantage... At the beginning of our friendship, we triggered each other, but we're passed that now. But there are times where we are no use to each other whatsoever, as we are both feeling the same and can't help ourselves, never mind each other. In that situation, which is very likely to happen, it is good to have someone else in your life who you can talk to, and don't rely completely on the one person for all of your needs. Sometimes though, just knowing that you're not alone can be a comfort. My best friend has been in and out of a psychiatric hospital recently, and I haven't been able to support her as much as I would like to, due to what is happening in my life at the moment. She feels the same about me. So, it can cause added guilt too.

    Although, in saying all that - I wouldn't have it any other way. She is my best friend, and is the one person in the world who hasn't walked away, when everyone else has. It feels as if we are on our journey together, and helping each other along the way. So, you are very lucky to have that relationship, but just be aware that it has it's ups and downs...

    Good luck :hug:

    D x