Dating a victim of rape and abuse

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Rain, Jun 29, 2007.

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  1. Rain

    Rain New Member

    I belong to another support forum somewhere on the internet. I've been a member there for 2 1/2 years. I've made a lot of really good friends from people I've met on the forums and in the chat room. Recently I've started to develop feelings for one of my internet friends.

    I told her how I feel. She gave me a long list of reasons why we could never be together. She told me that I deserved better, that I deserved someone without a bunch of problems, that I deserved someone close by since we live on opposite sides of North America. I told her I wanted her, I had my own set of problems and I'd known about hers when I fell for her, and that I was willing to fly over and visit her or pay for her to visit me since I have a job and she doesn't.

    Then she told me that was couldn't date me because she'd lose my friendship if I became her girlfriend. She said that she would put me in a position of power and domination, even if I didn't try and put myself there. Then she would feel like she had to do what I wanted and wouldn't trust me and so on.

    You see, she was in a relationship with a guy who raped her several times. He told her that because they were dating that it wasn't rape, it was just sex. I understand that she has some trust issues.

    She said if I lived near her then she might consider dating me, and that confused me somewhat. At this point I told her that I'd come out and visit her. Then she said I could come visit and she'd have sex with me if it made me happy but she couldn't date me.

    That really shocked me. I'm not trying to take advantage of her. I'd be happy staying a virgin until mariage. (Gay marriage is legal in Canada!) I don't want to date her because I want sex. I want to date her because she's herself. I don't know how to make her understand that.

    I don't know how to help her trust me. I don't know how to make her understand that I want to date her because of who she is personally, not because I want some sex. I really love this girl. I'm willing to do anything if it means I could be with her, without hurting her.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    First off, you sound like a great person :)

    Hmmm...second, I would ask her FLAT out if she has ANY romantic feelings for you whatsoever, if she is just toying with you, if she is simply "confused" and essentially selfishly testing the waters of bisexuality, or is she basically trying to make her boyfriend jealous by flirting with you? If the answer is any of the latter 3, dump her immediately, and stop being friends with her if you can handle it. If that is the case, she is one of those people who MUST create ridiculous drama in her life, or her mind will explode in a fiery mass of white-hot flames...not a good partner.````````````````````````````````````````````
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2007
  3. Rain

    Rain New Member

    She's definately a bisexual. I'm the one who's more questioning my sexuality. I've been questioning it for a while but it's only been recently I've accepted I like girls and guys.

    She kept avoiding the subject but I think she likes me. I mean, she said she would date me if I was there. I dunno.

    We're not dating. I want to date. She says she's scared to date me cause she doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't want to lose my friendship. We're kind of part of each other's support systems right now. She's texted me in the middle of the night before. =\

    I don't want to ruin our friendship either. But I think I can still help her while dating her. Even if it didn't work out, I wouldn't stop being there for her if she was in trouble. I just want to try...
  4. Rain

    Rain New Member

    I told her to tell me why we couldn't date and worked on saying why I didn't care and wanted to date her anyways. I did good with saying how liked or didn't care about her flaws, until she got to this one point. She said that she would cheat on me. She said that she would sleep with the ex who raped her, which she does now because she can't say no and because it's her form of self harm.

    What do I say to that?
  5. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    it appears that she is only thinking of reasons to prevent the both of you from dating. she might care for you, but she might also not be ready. or she may not know how to let you down.

    i was in a similar position as you are, so if you want feel free to pm me
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Wow. I almost don't even know what to say to that. Except that you should NOT date her. You are setting yourself up here for a major fall, and I would not want to see you get hurt, which you WILL if this girl cannot stop seeing this guy (who, BTW is a shithead). You owe it to yourself to take care of your own feelings and steer clear of anything that could potentially really hurt you.
  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Not a damn thing. You've made your feelings known as best you could and she's consistently pushed you away. I think you should move on, for your own peace of mind as much as anything else.

    That bit about sleeping with her rapist is not a good thing, to put it mildly. Though I'm guessing you already figured that out.

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I assume we're all pretty fragile at this site and something like that...I just see no good coming out of it.

    My $.02.

  8. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    I've been in a few very abusive relationships. This girl u care so much about sounds like she may be testing you to see if she can trust you more than she already does (even though it may be a small amount atm that she is able to trust anyone). She may be trying to see if you're going to keep trying to push the issue or respect her wishes of her not being to sure. She also may be trying to see if your going to do anything to hurt her like the person she is with right now has been doing to her, unfortunately.

    All I can suggest is maybe just for a little bit drop the wanting to date her and focus on being a friend and encourage her to get some help to get out of that horrifiic abusive relationship she's in. There are organzations that help and support in such cases. The YWCA and their domestic violence resources and advocates helped me get the strength, self-worth, and confidence to ditch a guy that was terrible to me in many ways. They also helped me get a restraining order against him.
  9. It sounds like she's just really insecure and thinks she'll disappoint you

    or can't see herself as being more than a sex object
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2007
  10. Rain

    Rain New Member

    I think I'm just going to let it drop for now. Maybe I'll bring it up again in a month or two. She hasn't been talking to me much lately and even though she insists it's just because she's busy, I'm scared she's drifting away. So I don't want to push it too much right now.

    I will push her in to counseling though. It makes me a giant hypocrite since I hate seeing shrinks, but oh well!

    Thanks for your help.
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