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Daughter, oldest

Lane

SF Supporter
#1
I shouldn't go on FB. But I did and saw a pics of my oldest daughter on vacation with her stepmother and my exhusband. She's a successful nurse now, has a boyfriend. She stopped talking to me years ago.

I do rationalize that it's her decision, I respect it, she's an adult. But it hurts still. When it started years ago, iver 10 I would take to the bed for weeks at a time. I loved her so much as a baby. I never beat her and I did things that maybe she didn't approve of
Her brothers still talk to me. We have a relationship, we all live in the same town. Tears roll down my cheeks. I had nightmares last night. She has a younger sister, my other daughter that she doesn't want to recognize either. I don't understand why it still users me when I thought I had it established in my head.
 

cymbele

SF Supporter
#2
Hugs @Lane . I get jealous when I see my daughter with my ex and they are having a good time. Especially when he has not been part of her life like I am. I can't imagine being estranged my my daughter - it must be soooo hard. I empathize and give you a BIG hug.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#3
I shouldn't go on FB. But I did and saw a pics of my oldest daughter on vacation with her stepmother and my exhusband. She's a successful nurse now, has a boyfriend. She stopped talking to me years ago.

I do rationalize that it's her decision, I respect it, she's an adult. But it hurts still. When it started years ago, iver 10 I would take to the bed for weeks at a time. I loved her so much as a baby. I never beat her and I did things that maybe she didn't approve of
Her brothers still talk to me. We have a relationship, we all live in the same town. Tears roll down my cheeks. I had nightmares last night. She has a younger sister, my other daughter that she doesn't want to recognize either. I don't understand why it still users me when I thought I had it established in my head.
That must hurt so much @Lane. Do her brothers know how much it hurts you? Maybe in time she will come to realise what she has lost. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. *console
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#4
Hugs @Lane . I get jealous when I see my daughter with my ex and they are having a good time. Especially when he has not been part of her life like I am. I can't imagine being estranged my my daughter - it must be soooo hard. I empathize and give you a BIG hug.
Thank you for being so honest S @cymbele. I feel your hug across the miles. You're gonna have a little munchkin to luv soon*woohoo
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#5
That must hurt so much @Lane. Do her brothers know how much it hurts you? Maybe in time she will come to realise what she has lost. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. *console
They do @Livelife. I used to break down 5 years ago when she first decided to cut ties. Now I don't bring her up really or can at least say her name. They don't think it's right. There could have been some brainwashing by my ex and maybe she is just cold hearted
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#6
My family has a similar dynamic. Dysfunctional, that is. This person doesn't talk to that person, my sister wouldn't go near another family member "with a 10 foot pole", then these other two haven't spoken in years... all that sort of pettiness.

Anyway, sorry you're feeling hurt by this. It's frustrating to deal with.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#7
I shouldn't go on FB. But I did and saw a pics of my oldest daughter on vacation with her stepmother and my exhusband. She's a successful nurse now, has a boyfriend. She stopped talking to me years ago.

I do rationalize that it's her decision, I respect it, she's an adult. But it hurts still. When it started years ago, iver 10 I would take to the bed for weeks at a time. I loved her so much as a baby. I never beat her and I did things that maybe she didn't approve of
Her brothers still talk to me. We have a relationship, we all live in the same town. Tears roll down my cheeks. I had nightmares last night. She has a younger sister, my other daughter that she doesn't want to recognize either. I don't understand why it still users me when I thought I had it established in my head.
I'm sad that some healing within her hasn't happened yet so that she can reach out to try and connect with you. She's in pain and you are in pain......I hope you can rest easily again soon. Big Hug.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
Of course it's going to hurt. Nobody expects their much loved child to turn against them. I hope that over time, seeing how her brothers have a good relationship with you she'll realize what she's missing out on and that nothing's worth that.

My cousin cut ties with her parents shortly after she had her first child, their first grandchild. It was agonizing to see and they had always been such an incredibly close family and my aunt and uncle adored all three of their children. There seemed to be absolutely no reason for it, she remained close to her brothers but refused to say what had gone wrong. It took over 10 years before any kind of relationship started up again. But eventually they were as close as they'd been before. She's never spoken to anyone about why.

As long as she knows that the door will always be open for her to come back there's hope *hug
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#9
I shouldn't go on FB. But I did and saw a pics of my oldest daughter on vacation with her stepmother and my exhusband. She's a successful nurse now, has a boyfriend. She stopped talking to me years ago.

I do rationalize that it's her decision, I respect it, she's an adult. But it hurts still. When it started years ago, iver 10 I would take to the bed for weeks at a time. I loved her so much as a baby. I never beat her and I did things that maybe she didn't approve of
Her brothers still talk to me. We have a relationship, we all live in the same town. Tears roll down my cheeks. I had nightmares last night. She has a younger sister, my other daughter that she doesn't want to recognize either. I don't understand why it still users me when I thought I had it established in my head.
I am sorry to hear that. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I hope one day there can be reconciliation.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#11
Sorry 😐 Lane— that’s tragic! I mean, she’s still young (relatively) & you just never know what the future holds. All it takes is for one thing to happen in life & it could suddenly change her mind (or even her outlook - with the passage of time...) / this reminds me of my aunt, who got divorced from my uncle in the 80’s out in beautiful, sunny ☀️ California. . . (Their only child was about 11 or 12), dad slept with assistant / secretary: they had private practice together. He basically disowned her over the course of the next few years, and to my knowledge, hasn’t made contact since (expect to be g for help paying for college). That one stung. Because she didn’t do anything wrong; & well, you know. . . What can you do, really? I’ve tried to be there as something of a surrogate son, but besides living across the country — it is a really hard, if not impossible thjng to do. . . On e of the sweetest souls you will ever meet. Kind, etc. I sometimes wonder why some of the baddest things in life happen to the best people? You most certainly would fall under or into this category! And every story has its own path. So, yours still hopefully can have a happier ending than that—
 
#13
Hi Lane, just to let you know I was a complete bitch to my mum growing up and I cut her off too. But a decade later (or maybe 2) we get on now. It's not always easy, but because she never shut the door to me I had a way back. It's not always pretty too, but we both try, in our own ways x
 

extraterrestrialone

untwisting the pretzel
SF Supporter
#14
I'm at a loss for what to say @Lane except it is my belief that a child can not stop loving her mother. I do believe a time will come when healing will happen. All I can offer is my wish for you that it comes quickly. This I say as a child and as a parent who knows the strength in this kind of connection. So here... my wish. d
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#15
I'm at a loss for what to say @Lane except it is my belief that a child can not stop loving her mother. I do believe a time will come when healing will happen. All I can offer is my wish for you that it comes quickly. This I say as a child and as a parent who knows the strength in this kind of connection. So here... my wish. d
Luv u D @extraterrestrialone. I know how much you love your son. Thank you for your wish. *hug10
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#16
Hi Lane, just to let you know I was a complete bitch to my mum growing up and I cut her off too. But a decade later (or maybe 2) we get on now. It's not always easy, but because she never shut the door to me I had a way back. It's not always pretty too, but we both try, in our own ways x
Good morning @BraveFace. I thank you so much for responding. It's almost like hearing from my daughter, not to make you feel weird. I was actually thinking about just sealing the deal...to try to make her talk to me...give back her baby books and art albums. I will keep the door open. Thank you for giving me a daughter's perspective. 💕
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#17
I don’t know if this will register with you, or help in any sort of way that could actually make a difference—but I was adopted; when I was a baby. And I never had the urge to look up my birth Mother (though my Sister certainly did)... & I couldn’t even begin to venture a guess as to why - other than to say that - this is my Mom (even though for some, for some reason, this is hard to believe)— Again, not a perfectly analogous situation; but well, whatever... there, you have it! : ) Until she tell you to leave her alone and stay away from her forever , or words to that affect (or is it effect?), I’d keep up hope.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#18
@Lane so saddened to read this...as my parents and i had a strained relationship eg no contact for over 10 years and agree just keep the door open as she may come around....I did it just by sending Christmas cards every year even though never got a response in years and then one day I did...it has been rocky given my father's dysfunctionality etc etc but I decided to forgive (though not forget) and try to forge a new relationship with him. Sending you hugs and remember to be gentle on yourself as well as this is not a reflection on you and I do hope that in time she will be able to acknowledge the love that you clearly gave her and want to continue to do so.
 
#19
I shouldn't go on FB. But I did and saw a pics of my oldest daughter on vacation with her stepmother and my exhusband. She's a successful nurse now, has a boyfriend. She stopped talking to me years ago.

I do rationalize that it's her decision, I respect it, she's an adult. But it hurts still. When it started years ago, iver 10 I would take to the bed for weeks at a time. I loved her so much as a baby. I never beat her and I did things that maybe she didn't approve of
Her brothers still talk to me. We have a relationship, we all live in the same town. Tears roll down my cheeks. I had nightmares last night. She has a younger sister, my other daughter that she doesn't want to recognize either. I don't understand why it still users me when I thought I had it established in my head.
It makes my heart hurt to read this. My oldest daughter and I have been having some issues for the past several months. I wasn’t sure exactly why - but then she was visiting a few months ago (Jan)- and she picked a fight for no reason (Not just my opinion but opinion of others who were there) - and started saying all this really mean/horrible stuff to me. She was very intoxicated - and her younger sister told me that she (her older sister) didn’t even remember what she had said to me. I’ve never understood that. When I argue, I never take “low blows” - but she’s like her dad (my ex). If I made a list of what would hurt me the very most, she hit all of them.

It‘s been tough because we were ridiculously close - I was the parent who did EVERYTHING for her and her sister. Financially. Emotionally. EVERYTHING.

But then I became sick. And worse. Stuck in bed. A shell of my former self. And I feel like she blames me for it. As if I am choosing this live. She and her husband came to town during COVID19 instead of being stuck away from family. They were here for 4 weeks. She spent 2 days with me (not full days - partial days - and one of the days was my birthday so prob felt obligated). I’m rarely on FB - but I looked while she was in town. All these photos of her/son-in-law w my ex and her stepmom. At their new lake house. She told me it was more fun/enjoyable to be there vs stuck in 2 bed apartment with me (I’m staying w my boyfriend bc of how sick I am). Acted mad bc I wasnt at my house. What really upsets me is that he only has that lake house because he hasn’t paid me child support money.

sorry - this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant about me. my heart just hurts for you. I understand how you are feeling - at least partially - my issues are recent with her. But our communication has basically stopped. We used to text every day. Sometimes for hours. But not anymore.

I hope things change for the two of you. I wish that your sons would step in and help. My youngest daughter has started doing that - she’s upset with her big sis w respect to how she’s been treating me.

feel like I have a hole in my heart. Sounds like you have the same. Sending you a hug from one mom to another. Keeping you in my thoughts.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#20
It makes my heart hurt to read this. My oldest daughter and I have been having some issues for the past several months. I wasn’t sure exactly why - but then she was visiting a few months ago (Jan)- and she picked a fight for no reason (Not just my opinion but opinion of others who were there) - and started saying all this really mean/horrible stuff to me. She was very intoxicated - and her younger sister told me that she (her older sister) didn’t even remember what she had said to me. I’ve never understood that. When I argue, I never take “low blows” - but she’s like her dad (my ex). If I made a list of what would hurt me the very most, she hit all of them.

It‘s been tough because we were ridiculously close - I was the parent who did EVERYTHING for her and her sister. Financially. Emotionally. EVERYTHING.

But then I became sick. And worse. Stuck in bed. A shell of my former self. And I feel like she blames me for it. As if I am choosing this live. She and her husband came to town during COVID19 instead of being stuck away from family. They were here for 4 weeks. She spent 2 days with me (not full days - partial days - and one of the days was my birthday so prob felt obligated). I’m rarely on FB - but I looked while she was in town. All these photos of her/son-in-law w my ex and her stepmom. At their new lake house. She told me it was more fun/enjoyable to be there vs stuck in 2 bed apartment with me (I’m staying w my boyfriend bc of how sick I am). Acted mad bc I wasnt at my house. What really upsets me is that he only has that lake house because he hasn’t paid me child support money.

sorry - this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant about me. my heart just hurts for you. I understand how you are feeling - at least partially - my issues are recent with her. But our communication has basically stopped. We used to text every day. Sometimes for hours. But not anymore.

I hope things change for the two of you. I wish that your sons would step in and help. My youngest daughter has started doing that - she’s upset with her big sis w respect to how she’s been treating me.

feel like I have a hole in my heart. Sounds like you have the same. Sending you a hug from one mom to another. Keeping you in my thoughts.
I'm really glad that you have your younger daughter and that she sees what's going on. I wonder why, when you put so much of yourself into a child, especially that one, who you dote on, like you said give your all to in every way turns on you? I suspect in my case. But, I can't turn back the clock. I just thought that she would realize how much I love here and see how I cared for her as a baby and I don't know, just forgive me. I left her father, but still tried by joining PTA, trying to steer her in the right direction. When it was apparent that she decided to leave me, it felt like someone ripped my heart out. It's like a death, but worse. Then comes some anger. Back and forth. Guilt. My boys, one also can be mean the other neutral. I di think the mother gets it bad and I've heard this from other sources.

I appreciate you sharing your story. I wonder if she realizes that you didn't get a lot or no child support and this is how he's able to afford the lifestyle he has now. I hate it when the other parent looks like the good guy. My youngest daughter is from a different a different father and I get $30 per week for her. Ha. She's with me 7 days and nights per week. And I try to tell her this us why her father us able to take her out all the time. He is at least a decent human being, unlike the other one.

I've heard of other children, adult children, I mean doing this. It doesn't make it easier. When it first happened I was devastated and shocked and mourned. Now, it comes in waves. Guilt creeps in but those close to me have assured me that I'm a good person undeserving of this treatment. I'm sure this goes the same for you @Chiefsfan!

Their stepmother refers to her as her daughter. I'm not petty and can share love. I've always kept a low profile and maybe that was part of the problem. My daughter is capable, intelligent and I'm here. Sorry I'm rambling now. Please, if you ever need reach out to me. I'm here practically every day.
 

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