daughter says she loves me deeply; clearly she doesn't ;(

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TBo, Mar 19, 2007.

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  1. TBo

    TBo New Member

    Five years ago I left my work as a medical assistant to care full time for my mother after my siblings had kept her for 3 weeks after my father's passing; long enough to empty their savings and checking. Then I received a phone call to "get this woman out of my house." This was from my older sister and her daughter, primarily, although the other sibs knew what was going on.

    After my mother passed, I went back to work but out in rural area I could only find part time. However, my boss assured me that it would soon become full time. As I saw it was not going any further, I continued to seek more work. In this time frame, I lost my home. On my mother's tiny SS income, we did without many basics to include electricity sometimes, for weeks. My daughter knew this but couldn't (didn't) care.

    Finally as foreclosure came to the present, she told me that I could put my belongings in storage and live with her to get back on my feet. During the time I took care of my mom, I ate very little food so there would be enough for her meds and being on a special diet of certain foods too. Consequently, I went from 126 pounds down to presently 96 pounds. With eating only a bit of plain pasta (Ramen noodles) once every couple or so days, my teeth rotted and I developed sores over most of my body.

    The best thing of all of this is that when I got my mom she was on 5 medications ( some drugs to keep her sedated so they could spend her and Dad's money) and weighed less than me at present. In no time I had her down to two meds and up to 128 pounds - I loved my parents with all my heart.

    So now having lived in my daughter's garagefor the last six months in the sweltering Texas summer with no cooling and just having gone thru a very cold winter with no heat (did bring lots of blankets) she wants me out. She made so many promises if I would "just" come here. She said she would help me get on a dental plan with her dentist, she said she would get my broken down car up to par so I could look for work. Not only did none of this come to pass, I came with my animal companions (cats) who happened to be the only ones there for me in those cold winter days (I tried to set them free; they wouldn't go).

    She says that I need to get rid of my animals and go to work and save up FIRST to get a place again and get my car fixed to be able to get to work. I just cannot abandon them after all they have been thru with me. Dogs, cats, bond deeply and they would know I abandoned them. I could not live on having done that. I am different I know as self survival is very strong in most but if I surrendered them, I would have no one and I just couldn't live with what I had done to my trusting companions.. My daughter only works two days a week, yet in those five years she came to spend time with me maybe half dozen times and that was for only a couple hours each time, after my meek pleading that it was so lonely for us.

    The ironic part is in that they (her and her husband) want me, after I give up my sole reasons for having come this far, my animals, to live in this garage until I can save up enough to get a little place. How am I to get to and from work? I have a job lined up but I won't tell them I will take it when I KNOW I have no way to get there and back. They won't take/pick me up; frankly, they can't be bothered.

    More ironic is that my son in law has a wealthy mother (from having heavily insured, after marrying two ill men) whom he counts on for everything.

    For example: He wanted (he and the daughter) a bigger home. The mother put $7000 down on this house for them. They didn't have to save up FIRST. They already had a roof over their head and jobs and still couldn't take time to save up FIRST. From shooting off his mouth at work about telling them they couldn't function without him, he got demoted down to Walmart wages. Hence, he lost his company vehicle. The mother just went and bought him another one; he didn't have to save up FIRST. The granddaughters became of driving age so the mother just bought them cars; they didn't have to save up FIRST for them either.
    In his lowly wage position, he had no DRIVE to move beyond that; he knew my daughter would just take on more work. It was a friend of theirs who kept him from getting fired right off and in fact got him back into management. Yet he tells me I need to show some inititive first and get a job. I have gotten a job, but have no way to get to it. So with this job, I simply did not return the district manager's three calls. That would tell me I have the job. I've looked online on the daughter's pc and find this position is still available. If I could get a little place for my animals and get my car running (a 1986 Ford) I could tell him the truth, in that I have been tied up with my parents' estate, being the executor; with that I'm feeling sure that he would still hire me; so eager in the first place.

    They don't know; they have no idea (because of his mother, who even early on paid them out of "over" debt a number of times) what it is like to be in the crawl space of the lowest point in ones life) and yet suffering from Major Clinical Depression; never mind suffering from several poorly healed fractures from an X who finally, thank the fates, walked out, taking institutional doeses of antidepresants, trying to hang on to hoping they might give a care (at least my daughter who always says: I love you, I love you deeply!) before I have to do what I know I have to do.

    I will not abandon those who have been with me all along; all rescued from the street; just precious little moggies who depend on me so. My plan is to put the hose in under the garage door and into the tailpipe of one of their vehicles while they sleep and going to a permanent night night. At least if she'd left me be in my home I could have done this before we were put out and she wouldn't have to deal with the clean up. I say this because a few days ago, she said: " I think you are giving up (DUH!) and I'm going to have to deal with all your stuff in the storage building!!" That made me feel so special. Really, how much more clearly could it be spelled out to me that all her words were just empty platitudes. Guess I'm just at least good at hanging on to that last ray of hope even after it isn't there.

    My only plea here is that perhaps someone has a more particular, effective way, to get thru to obviously calloused hearts. I want to live but I have no way to survive if I can't have just a bit of crisis intervention. It's also ...I don't know the word, that when I said to her that I just needed a little "boost" you would have thought I asked her to rob a bank. She forgets all the boosts they have had when they WERE in a position to "save up first."

    Any words of wisdom...or criticism are very welcome!

  2. Angel_Marc

    Angel_Marc Member

    First i would like to say is dont give up, By the sounds of the wealthy mother issue, She aint always gonna be there. and as life it could easily turn. The only problem is your son in law depends on people bailing him out. Unfortunatly it dont last for ever.

    As for your self i feel for you and what you are going thou. I know whats its like, You need a chance, Something called Security in your life, and out of this i would like to be there when or if you say look at me now daughter. Im making something of my life, Sayin yer i know i aint got this or that. but at least im trying. cos no matter what Someone will give you that chance. i would like to wish for you to have a job. So you can build your life.

    Best Wishes
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Faye, I really feel for you, what a shame that through loving and caring for your mother you now find yourself in this situation.
    Is there any point in suggesting that you ask your siblings for some support?
    I'm glad you have found SF and I hope you will find support and friendship here.

    Take care Hazel x
  4. TBo

    TBo New Member

    Dear Marc and Hazel,
    Thank you so much for your reply. To talk to another human in itself is so awesome! I am so alone. No my siblings are far and yonder and are the ones to take advantage of not only old people, but their own parents! I always thought the only family I had left, my daughter, that she was really in my court. But I have finally admitted to myself now that she isn't.

    This family into which she married has changed her so very much. I lousy thousand dollars would have gotten my car up and running and would have gotten me a little place in which to live. The husband just got his year end bonus of $6500 and then too, they just got their $3000 tax return. She knew because she had told me this money was coming, that I had hoped (not asked, but hoped) for a bit of help so she told me right off that they had bills to pay.

    Indeed, I watched them redecorate the bathroom and buy lots of new clothes. Clearly far more important than whether I live or die. I have no way out of this. You guys are so nice but we have to go when we have no way - no where to survive. I am so sad for my animals. The younger ones; they are so bonded to me; out at the house while tending to Mom, I am the only one they ever saw so they are really afraid of people. Do you think regardless I should try to get them adopted first or just take them with me?? I am at this time so full of grief, please help me think this thru.
    Being on my daughter's computer, I need to go now but will get to come back in the morning for awhile. Again, thank you so very much for your compassion for us!!! It means so very much!

  5. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    We are here for you Faye, I am glad you found SF and that you have access to your daughter's computer.
    Look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

    :hug: Hazel x
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Faye, I am so sorry that this is happening to you :sad:. Please try to hang on, you seem like such a genuine, caring person. It would be a tragedy for the world to lose you now.

    I'm in a bit of a state myself at the moment, so I can't offer you much advice right now. But I will. I want to. I'm sorry.

    Your story made me cry.

    Please take care, we care about you :arms:.

  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Faye;

    I send my love to you and your cats. I know what you mean: I couldn't give up my critters for anything or anybody. YOur daughter and son in law sound like real jerks to me. I'm sorry they're treating you so badly. What goes around comes around. PLease try to hang on for your sake and for your kitties. They need you. We're here to support and love you and be your friends. I know that's no real comfort but I hope it helps a little.


  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Faye you sound like someone with such a kind heart. Many times it is easiest to walk over someone with these characteristics as people know they will do their best to keep peace amongst everyone and they don't want to see others hurt. You are in a tough situation. Have you tried sitting down with your daughter and really discussing things? I hope things work out for you better in the near future. We are here to support you as long as you need someone to do that for you. Please take care. :hug:
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I must say I agree exactly with Hazel. Words fail me at the moment. But i'm always here if you need to talk. I'm looking forward to seeing you more around the forum, hun.. Take care of yourself, ok? :hug:
  10. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I can relate to much of what you feel from the critters/pets to the sense of abandonment. It is very lonely at the bottom. If they don't want to help, well you did ask. It hurts when they don't hear or show compassion. As talking with your daughter, If she cares she will try....if not, her behavior speaks loads as you see. You can always write a letter if it is hard to speak your piece. You cannot make someone care. (in my opinion)
    I know that SOME children seem very ungracious of their parents. SAD!!
    Have you tried to apply for social security?
    Due to the past with the ex that hurt ya, have you asked a domestic violence shelter if they can help?
    Some churches have good programs, depending on where you are.

    Please know some resoures are there.
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