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day 115

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by hardcore, Sep 7, 2009.

  1. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Could i pull it off? doubt it. But shit this sucks. I dont really even have a problem, if it wasn't for my ridiculous amount of cuts and worn look I could even be normal. Why am I like this? Just fucking why? Going nowhere while being nowhere. Maybe it was the drugs, did I fry my brain? Or are my mental problems just beginning to bloom?

    I want to tell myself something can happen, something has to happen. I'm already lucky that im still around. If things keep this way I'll be suprised if I make it a year. So I ask myself, could I pull it off? Could I actually finish the countdown and abandon this sad human body? This is the only place that I feel semi-okay saying my true feelings. I dont even know why im posting this stupid ass post. Maybe because my legs look like they went through meat grinders. Maybe because my meds are making me sick and when I'm off them I am extremely suicidal. Maybe because there really isnt anything wrong except that my head is a pile of mush. I dont think i can make it. I dont think I can live in a constant state of panic.

    I watched hurt locker today... It made me realize how badly I wanted to be a marine. And how pathetic I am. How could a psycho like me ever hope to be in the military. Lost dreams, there was once a time that I had a future, why did I throw it all away? Why couldnt I have just been normal and done what everyone else did? Why couldnt I have pulled through the pain and done what was right?

    I am back to my indecisive state. Im not so depressed right now to be concrete in my countdown. I can be neither an insect nor a hero. I can neither seperate or connect. I guess I should be happy that im a little better now. But damn, who knows how I will be in five minutes? THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME! so why cant I become something other than a pathetic pile of mud? I want to be perfect, I know its silly but for some reason when I fall really low its all I can think about. I look up at a shining image of myself, and I think: if only I could be perfect then this world would be so amazing. But no, I know I will never be happy. I know that my entire life I will be fighting, people can tell me things will change. But I know they wont, sure maybe I'll find some false sense of serenity but I don't want to find happiness in being pathetic. I don't want to find serenity, I want to find perfection. But I dont know what im talking about. Fuck it all, day 115.