Day after calling crisis line

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marvin1971, Sep 30, 2016.

  1. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member

    Yesterday I contacted a crisis line. I should have known better because it wasn't a great experience. But I was at the end of my tether; I still am.

    Afterwards I thought some more about what had gone wrong. I don't find it helpful when someone "affirms" how I feel - in fact I hate it. The other thing the crisis line does is to try to find a way to keep you safe and get you through the day.

    But to what purpose? I have been trying to get through the days now for a very long time. That is largely what life has become. However, the crisis line had a mental health therapist call me back. We spoke for about 45 mins about my difficulties at the end of which time he was completely stumped. He had no resources to suggest (mental health, career, financial etc) because he thought I had probably exhausted all of them already. The fact that I have tried numerous resources with matters only getting worse is a large part of why I am in crisis.

    So what do I do? I am in crisis but the crisis line only encourages me to go on with my life but nobody knows how to get me any help to make life tolerable.

    I was told 20 years ago by a crisis line that help was available and I wouldn't always feel this way. In that 20 years I have seen numerous therapists but got no help with my problems at all.

    Furthermore, I have had lots of therapists tell me various coping techniques. None of them are helping much. But I have also repeatedly been assured that things were going to improve and that I needed to believe that and think that way. It has, in the words of one psychologist "set me up to fail". As it currently stands, my circumstances look like they are going to get considerably worse. THis is not just my negative view; my friends and family think this is likely too.

    So I feel like the only thing I can do sensibly is to try to change my attitude to prepare myself for things getting even worse. To bend the coping strategies - which frankly aren't working - towards the idea that things will liekly get even worse.

    This is completely unappealing to me and a reason for not wanting to go on with life.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Long term depression and mental illness is very bad because you live with it for so long that it's difficult to know what to even aim for in getting better. If the therapies aren't working there are more severe treatments including Electro-convulsive therapy so don't give up all hope. The fact your therapists are not recognising that treatments are not working is concerning though and you may be better asking them about alternative treatments until one fits and explain you are feeling 'incurable'.

    The crisis lines are useful for the now when people are at their very lowest to bring them back off the ledge but the main healing as you know is a longer process. Keep sharing as people on the forum may have similar issues and can give you some much pointers.
     
    electricalanomaly likes this.
  3. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member

    F

    Thanks for your reply.

    From the outset, I have been aiming to sort out the problems in life which have kicked off the depression and PTSD-like symptoms. But I have never really had help addressing those. Instead I have been sent to various forms of therapy, often addressing non-existent problems. Meanwhile the problems in life have got worse and my state of mind has got worse with it. Life circumstances which were difficult but tractable have now become extremely difficult and probably intractable.

    I now have nightmares about the therapy experiences.

    As circumstances have become increasingly bad, I have felt increasingly worse ; not the other way around.
     
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    What sort of issues do you feel have been unaddressed that could lead to developing depression and other mental health disorders? Also, what kind of circumstances are now unbearable? Is this inability or lack of motivation to do even simple tasks due to your issues or are you perhaps in a high stress environment which is becoming detrimental to you?
     
  5. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member

    My mental health problems kicked off when I was in the equivalent of high school in the UK aged 17-18 or so. A series of bad mistakes culminated with the discovery that I had been taught the wrong syllabus for a key exam for nearly all of the two years of the course. This is an unprecedented mistake and a very big problem in a country where the education system is much more rigid than in the US. It completely ruined my university plans and it totally ruined my career plans.

    But instead of anyone helping me to, for example, take some legal action against my school or assisting me in trying to get back on some sort of satisfactory education/ career path, I was pumped full of drugs and sent to various therapies by experts who couldn't believe that the screw up of my plans for life were the cause of my problems. And so the problems never got properly addressed or resolved. I had an appaling 8 years at university studying stuff I didn't want to study and then ended up in a career in the US which I absolutely hated. After a number of years of struggling to work for 10-12 hours a day and leaving work many nights in tears, I somewhat cracked and ended up being very briefly hospitalized. As a result of that, I lost the job. Despite being assured by therapists in the US that there would be numerous good opportunities for me when I got my green card I have been unable to get any other job and have been unemployed for a number of years. The career advisors, employment offices and vocational rehabilitation have been completely stumped and unable to assist me. Pretty soon my savings will run out, at which point my only option will be to move back to the UK and live with my father. As my father lives in the same very small town as the teachers who kicked off all my problems in the first place, this is going to be an utterly intolerable situation.

    This has gone on for many years with therapists insisting that the career/ education was not a problem; later they realised that it was a problem but insisted that it was going to turn out fine, if I could just hang in there for a while. Meanwhile, I have been sent to all sorts of people to try to figure out just what the hell could be wrong with me. None of the therapy has helped at all and some of it has probably actively harmed me. The whole experience has been utterly awful and I have been repeatedly blamed for therapies not working.

    I have repeated and regular nightmares about my highschool, my university time and my last job. As far as anyone can come up with any idea of what to do, I am looking at either going back to university for more years of study - something I already have nightmares about - or ending up in a dead-end job which I also already have nightmares about ie I am looking at probably reliving the very events that regularly cause me nightmares. That is extremely stressful and a very bad idea. But it is not even clear how I am going to do either of those things as I have been unable to get a job of any sort and don't have the resources to do further study.

    That is a somewhat brief summary of my circumstances.
     
  6. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Sorry for the late response I forgot to watch the thread! I'm flabbergasted that if the problems you had began in School; college; university, that the therapists didn't hone in on that early. You mentioned nightmares about that part of your life. Before you found out you had been given the wrong course material for 2 years did you feel you had any other psychological issues that were happening?
     
  7. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member


    No worries about not responding earlier. Thanks for replying now!

    I am flabbergasted by it too. More than that - I traumatized by the fact that the therapists ignored this. It wasn't like I didn't tell them over and over what was bothering me.

    And no - I didn't have any psychological issues before the shit hit the fan at my high school.

    Initially I went to my PCP to discuss perhaps trying some sleeping tablets. (I tried some and they didn't work). The PCP thought I should see a psychologist. I told the pscyhologist all about the stuff at high school (there were several other problems too); she had me do a test and then concluded that my problems were all down to the fact that I was socially awkward with girls, evidenced by the fact that I was nearly 19 and hadn't had a girlfriend. True enough - but this was largely due to the fact that I lived in a small town of 1500 people in the countryside and had spent 7 years at an single sex school. My PCP also thought the psychologist was well off the mark and he sent me to a psychiatrist instead. I explained all the same stuff to him and he couldn't understand why I would have become depressed about my whole career etc going out the window at age 18. He started me on antidepressant and got my mum in to impress upon her that it was importnat that I took them and that I really shouldn't be worrying about stuff like suing my high school. And it escalated from there. I thought that eventually someone would say "Well, it is pretty obvious why this guy is so upset. He has been utterly stiched up". But the exact opposite. Therapists kept saying something like "I am really not interested in this stuff that happened at your school. And you certainly don't need the distraction of consulting lawyers or anything like that. You need to be taking your medication and atttending therapy etc etc and concentrating on getting well"


    And so it continued for years.

    You might wander why I didn't try consulting a lawyer and pursuing my school for negligence. Well I did try. But my parents wouldn't support me in doing it because they were very influenced by the therapists who kept saying that I really shouldn't be doing that.

    It is a collosal screw up and it is going to get worse. I would like to beat the crap out of my school teachers but they are 5000 miles away at the moment. However, they will be just around the corner if I am forced to go back to England and live with my dad.
     
  8. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It sounds like you won't be happy until you have an opportunity to train in what you were doing originally as this looks to be a root cause to your issues. It may give you a bit of closure on the subject if you are able to do that regardless of if you get a career in it later or not. Obviously, as time has passed there may be regrets and other quite powerful feelings that hold you back coupled with depression and stress related issues (especially from this job you have had, which sounds awful).

    Is it a bad thing to live back with your Dad in England? Although yes, you are going to be near the tutors that failed you it could also serve as a base of operations for you to consider revisiting the course. Not to mention you will be closer to your family which my be helpful if you are feelings depressed and isolated.
     
  9. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member


    Going back will be a disaster. I am over here in part to be away from all of that. And once I have to leave the US, that's it - I can't come back again to live. There is only my dad back home and he doesn't know how to help or support me. In fact he has played quite a big role in allowing the problems to develop in the first place. So I will be walking right back into the very situation and circumstances that have kicked off all my troubles. Except they are now magnified.

    Unfortunately there is no way to revisit the courses I was doing in England. It just isn't possible at this point in time. The education system is very rigid. I thought it might have been possible for me to do it over here but that has not proved possible either. Plus I have nightmares about the study I have already done. I don't feel like a number of more years of study is going to be good for my health.
     
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Very tricky conundrum with no easy answer. It's unsurprising you are feeling the way you do. On the one hand you have an underlying issue which may be solved by addressing it but this appears invalid and may actually make matters worse. Alternatively, continuing on the other path is giving you an almost existential crisis from what I see.
    There is undoubtedly a way out of this but it is likely going to take a jolt to the system to lend you perspective such as significant change. I guess if I was in your position I would need to start by asking what the most important things and values in my life were so I can start muddling around ideas out of my norm. We are very adaptable and being in a job that is un-defining and causing serious mental issues can't help you at all.
    What is important to you now? Are you interested in helping others in some way or perhaps building things (I know full well in deep depression we can forget/discard what we used to care about so I understand if this is not something answerable)?

    From my own experience I made quite quick small changes. I guess I was so overwhelmed by it all it actually took me out of my illness for a time which was enough to even find a relationship. Stupidly I didn't pursue treatment though. Bear in mind my experiences are from the perspective of someone with bad anxiety so what I'm saying may make no sense but I hope us at least talking is giving you some kind of comfort.
     
  11. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member


    I appreciate your thoughts.

    It is a phenomenally difficult conundrum. I think it might not be soluble. Even if it is soluble, I am tired out from trying to solve it with no significant help and don't really want to deal with it any more. I have learned that you shouldn't work on insoluble problems and even extemely difficult problems might be far more trouble than they are worth.

    You talk about perspective change and working out what is valuable to me etc. Trouble is, I have spent over 20 years looking in at myself and I am sick of that. I want some real help with the issues. They are now so complex that nobody really knows how to sort them.

    In addition, the problem has continued for so long that there are now competing priorities. For example, a number of years ago I didn't have the financial constraints I now have. And most people who are going to run out of money are not facing having to move to another country.
     
  12. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    You should go back to school. This is important to you. So hang in there. Time flies. I wish I could say more but my brain is so tired. You can do it. I could not even finish one semester of college. I just do poorly in school. I admire you for your achievements.
     
  13. NoIdeaWhichName

    NoIdeaWhichName Active Member

    Yes, that is the purpose of crisis line.

    The purpose of crisis line is to keep you safe from killing yourself not to make you feel better.
     
  14. NoIdeaWhichName

    NoIdeaWhichName Active Member

    Why you didn't try to take any action against your school? And who gave you drugs and sent you to terapies? Your parents? I don't really get it. If I had any problems in school i would try to take an action against school and i wouldn't go to psychiatrist for medication.
     
  15. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member


    The crisis line is making me feel worse which is more likely to end up with me killing myself. On the one occasion on which I made a suicide attempt, the final trigger was a conversation with the crisis line. I agree they may not be there to make you feel better but it doesn't help much if they make matters worse.
     
  16. Marvin1971

    Marvin1971 Active Member


    My PCP in the UK sent me to the therapists and they started me on drugs and various therapies. I would have sued my school if it had been up to me but the therapists insisted that I shouldn't do that and my parents went along with the therapists. That made it practically impossible for me to do.
     
  17. NoIdeaWhichName

    NoIdeaWhichName Active Member

    your parents fucked it up then. do you still wanna finish that school/college, what ever that is? i'm not very familiar with UK school system but you can always finsih part-time study. it's never too late for that. only problem can be money.
     
  18. NoIdeaWhichName

    NoIdeaWhichName Active Member

    Don't call them unless you're in danger. No purpose. You should better go to some other forum, not this one, maybe on some forum where you can talk about your school problem where people could understand you and find a proper solution for your problem.
    If you wanna feel better then you should talk to someone, to some realitve, friend, anyone who you trust and not to call crisis line.