Today is the third day in a row were I am actively trying to not let suicide be a focus....it takes a LOT more effort to NOT think about something than you might think. I am almost embarrassed to admit this but I have had to turn to faith and prayer to do this....I just feel like I should be able to do this without that. It feels like a cheat or a crutch because I cannot PROVE God is even real so why should I rely on something that I am not even sure is real? Fuck. Anyways, day three.....distraction seems to be the key for me to stay away from the suicide thoughts....I am going to a friend's house in a bit to hang out with her for a few hours and then I need to go to the grocery store. Once I am back home will be the challenge. I SHOULD plant some seeds and seedlings in the garden, play with my dog, and read a book....maybe do some laundry and crap like that in between. What my tendency to do is come home, get high, get online, depress the crap out of myself, smoke some more, maybe take a nap to get away from the thoughts, eat something, throw it up, get back online....well, I think you see the pattern....WHY is it so hard to stay on the POSITIVE side of things, the good side of things? Why is it so easy to want to remain on this path of suicidal thinking? Someone told me that wanting to live is instinct and if I have no desire to live then my medicine must be off and to get a med evaluation....I plan to but now wonder if it is even needed, is this all in my head and medicine won't help no matter what?!