Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SadBk, Feb 24, 2013.

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  1. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm here. I think it's to feed my obsession with suicide. This site seems to be a healthier place to do that than others.

    I've been depressed since July, suicidal or quasi-suicidal since November. Currently I seem to be in "wait and see" mode. I've been taking bupropion/Wellbutrin for a little over a month and it seems to be helping some... but it doesn't make me feel like my life is not over. Nothing does. I'm in therapy, overly attached to my therapist -- I wish she were my mom.

    I have very black & white thinking, and it frustrates me when I can't label myself. I don't know if I have "real" depression because I've never had it without an event triggering it (in July my boyfriend dumped me unexpectedly). The therapist says it's still real, but maybe it's just abnormally long grieving? I know I don't have an eating disorder, but I engage in certain disordered behaviors as a coping mechanism whenever I'm even mildly depressed. My main problem is lack of self gray area there. And I definitely have control issues. I'm very into what's allowed and not allowed, as dictated by me. I've stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair & nails because that little voice that tells me I'm nothing reminds me there's no point in trying to look good anymore. When I go walking at night, I have to walk in the gutter because that's where the trash goes. I'm not really in the world so I must avoid things like the news... I'm only allowed to listen to certain songs so no radio... you get the idea.

    My favorite thing is to go to a coffee house and sit with my journal and write write write. This, I do not deny myself. I am able to enjoy this so I must not be extremely depressed. I don't laugh, I avoid anything considered humorous (I wouldn't laugh anyway), most of my smiles are fake, but I do at times feel something resembling just doesn't last.

    My original plan was to off myself in July, exactly one year after my life "ended" in my head, but that doesn't seem do-able now so I've put it off until the end of the year. I guess that means I don't really want to die. But I don't want to live, either. I feel like I need to reach some sort of bottom before I can possibly start to climb up, but I want to be in control of what that bottom is...and I don't think it works that way. I dunno, I've babbled long enough, thank you if you read through all that. I may end up lurking more than posting but I hope I can provide some support while I'm here, even if it's just *hugs*
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi SadBk glad to see you reaching out here. Perhaps talking to your doctor about the dosage of wellbutrin you on hun it may be need tweaking a bit I am glad you have a therapist hun it helps to have someone to talk to welcome to SF hun
  3. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Thanks total eclipse -- this looks like a very friendly, nonjudgmental place :)
    Yeah not sure if the dosage is right since it's still fairly new. Not sure how I'd know, though. It does give me energy, at least.
  4. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

  5. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Thank you DarkAsylum :)
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