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De profundis

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Fer17, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. Fer17

    Fer17 New Member

    This is my first thread. While I was googling over suicidal and depressive quotes, i stumbled upon the suicide forum. I grew curious as i read briefly what it was about, and registered a few minutes ago. So anyway, here goes my story, thanks for reading.

    I am a writer. A poet to be more precise. A poet born on a third world country where 15% of the population are illiterate and more than half have or will raise a book for the pleasure of reading (my native language is spanish by the way, so please excuse any spelling or gramatical mistakes). And what made it simple for me to love such a profitless art, was the inexplicable way of how after finishing a poem (most of which were based on tragic content), there followed the most soothing peace that i've ever felt since i can remember. That peace and that feeling of hope was the closest illusion of happiness i remember ever experimenting... or so I thought.

    One day, as I started college, I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl that the sun in its unmeasurable existance has ever shun its rays upon. I could spend countless pages describing her beauty, but to keep the story focused, i will very shallowly resume her description to that of a true princess. We met, and for many reasons, most of them academic, I stopped seeing her and never got to develop any real bond to keep us in contact. Almost two years later, I switched to another college to pursue a different major, just to end up studying the same as the girl in my story. We became great friends and I kept my feelings to myself for almost a year since as she was in a serious relationship. Now, i've always felt miserable and the idea of taking my life had drifted through my head countless times. Even through past romantic relationships, the support of countless friends, a loving family, and a roof over my head, I just have never found the charm in life. Nothing interests me. I've always wanted all and nothing. My life had been nothing but a series of internal torments that slowly had withered me to think that life itself was punishment. However, for some strange reason, I found a connection with this radiant angel that could apparently immitate the same peace I found to get off my writing.

    She ended her relationship and slowly but surely, we became more than friends. The whole story must've gone through in some two years or so. Two years of which I didn't want anything but her, and the idea of our lives entangling even if professionally kept me going all through my college years. We jumped into an intense relationship that I nowadays refer to as my one turn for happiness in this life. I fell madly in love with her.

    She was one year ahead of me in college and as she got closer to graduating, my fear of losing her began to take its effect on my mood. I was becoming depressed again. That, that she had cured so miraculously, was returning by the same means it had left. She mentioned she was leaving for the US to continue her studies way before we started dating, so I knew that when school was over, she would leave. We talked about it and discussed our future, both eager to make one another part of it. It seemed like we had a good plan to stay together.

    I noticed it one day after she came home from a trip to her relatives for the holidays. I can't explain how I knew, I just did. It just seemed that we weren't on the same page. I was sure of that what I felt for her had grown from a college crush, to an absolute enchantment; and even though (and I hate myself for this) I never mentioned it, I loved her. On the other hand, she simply didn't. Until this day, I can't say I'm sure of her reasons. I made up thoughts in my head to explain it and it made it worse. It tortured me to think that I could never be good enough in any sense for an angel like her. Long story short, we separated. Ever since, life has lost its colors, I withdrew into the shadow of my melancholy and solitude.

    They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I beg to differ. I've always been miserable, but now, I'm miserable and nostalgic; and that, my dear reader, is the combination of two worlds that no human soul should ever roam. There's so much more that I could write, but for now, from the abyss of my tragic existance is all I can bear.

    Yours truly, Fer17
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Fer17 - Welcome to the forum. What a great entrance !
    I agree with your comments about mixing misery and nostalgia, but so often we are drawn into them without even realizing it.
    I hope you'll like our community. We're a very caring group, and try to provide support and encouragement for each other. You may feel free to express yourself, through good times or bad, without being judged. You may find friends or kindred spirits here.

    And please post more, I like the way you write. If poetry is your strength or your passion, we even have a sub-forum especially for that.

    I've lifted this bit from a friend, but it's so appropriate - welcome, with hugs and friendship.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are a beautiful writer hun with a beautiful soul so sensitive You my friend found love you will find love again but you have to put you out there in order for that to happen

    Nice to have you here hun hope to read more from you
  4. ColdEye

    ColdEye Member

    We walk the same path my friend. It is definitely a very lonely and miserable state to be in.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I have to say that you are a great writer and possess great talent. I'm sorry that you lost someone you loved dearly but there is always the chance to love again. You just need to be open to life and all it has to offer.