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dead already

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hopeless, Oct 25, 2009.

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  1. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    it's me again.

    lost in the depths of despair and the grips of suicide.
    only this time i have an 18 month old daughter and i'm 11 weeks pregnant.

    i wish i could say that suicide is not a viable option for me, but it's looking better and better as time goes by.

    i've been so terribly sick that i've not been able to take my meds for 2 months now. my husband considers me 'safe' because he has left me with his mother. it's not her job to make sure i don't kill myself. it's not my niece and nephew's job to check on me every half hour and make sure i haven't cut my wrists again.
    yet and still he insists that i stay with his mother when i am ill.

    don't get me wrong, it does help me to stay here because there is someone to take care of my daughter when i'm not able.

    i'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed and suicidal.

    you know it's bad when your reasons to die include your daughter and husband.

    he says that if i end up in the hospital then i don't love him, but what he doesn't understand is that it is because i love him that i want to die. he has had to deal with this for 10 years now and things aren't getting better, they only get worse. he needs someone who is not psychotic. my daughter needs someone who can take care of her not a mother that she has to take care of because of this.

    i really wish the pain would go away, but it never does. sure there is a moment here and there but 99.99% of the time it's the same old depression and crap. the only way out i have is to kill myself. it is the only option i have left.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm glad you posted here. You have a lot to live for and it sounds like the pain is getting in the way. Please keep posting here and let us walk with you.

    If you need to go to the hospital, you go. Your husband is a big boy and will have to work his way through it. Tell him you won't accept him putting that on your shoulders.

  3. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i'd rather die than go to the hospital.

    they can't help me anyway.

    i've been in more than enough hospitals to know that they are nothing more than a stabilization unit.

    once you're stable they send you on your way complete without any real help.

    i have no car, i can't drive if i had one because i've been so sick, so it wouldn't do me any good if i had one
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If you won't go to the hospital please at least get a therapist so you can cope with your thoughts..Stay with us and we will stand beside you..Can you tell us more why you want to die so bad..There are always options and maybe we can help shed some light on them for you..Take Care!!
  6. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    i've been depressed for about 22 years now. nothing gets better it always gets worse. i've tried to kill myself more times than i care to remember, and i should have died several times.

    no matter how much i see a therapist or stay on my meds, nothing helps, nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will.
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    It's difficult to find something positive to say to that, without it sounding fake and unhelpful. So instead I'll say, keep posting here, keep talking, being heard and listened to and talked to back - that will at least make it less lonely having to cope with where you are at, and maybe help get you through the worst of those feelings, a bit at a time.
  8. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    If you've suffered depresson for over 20 years, then you must be an expert on how to cope with it. How about investing some time into helping others (I apologize if you already are). There are a lot of scared and confused people here and someone with experience in depression like you could give them a lot of helpful advice. Plus, helping others will make you feel better.

    Also, read the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, he speaks a lot of pain and how to get rid of it.
  9. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    you see that's just it. i don't cope with it. i try to kill myself. that is my coping mechanism.

    i don't know anymore on how to get over this than anyone else.

    i've been in and out of hospitals enough to know that the only thing they are good for is to keep you from killing yourself. if you know what to say and how to act you can leave there feeling more suicidal than when you got there.

    i have no wisdom. i have no help for anyone. i can't even help myself.
  10. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    everyday growing up i overdosed. it didn't work at first. i think i was more scared than anything else. i prayed every day that God would kill me because i couldn't stand living anymore.

    i cried myself to sleep everynight and stayed home from school more than most because "i wasn't feeling well" we all know the statement when you don't want anyone to know what is really going on, you just get so depressed that you can't stand it anymore.

    at 13 i was stopped from jumping off of a penthouse balcony at a party

    at 16 i ended up with a hole in my esophegus from vommitting so much (hence the overdoses)

    i started cutting, but that didn't help either

    it didn't help that my family didn't really care what was going on they just wanted to make sure that no one else knew about it

    God forbid the family name get marred because there is a crazy person in it

    i suffered in silence because no one cared to know what was going on and i didn't care to tell anyone

    the only reason anyone found out is because i told my best friend why i missed so much school one day. she immediately made me tell the school counselor who told my parents. oh, boy was i in trouble then.

    they pretended they cared and pretended they wanted to help. they were forced to get me a counselor who told them to get me on meds. the meds didn't help and the psych didn't either. i didn't want to talk to the counselor so it didn't help either.

    i ended up in the hospital a couple of times because the psych got scared about some superficial cuts

    one day my parents decided that nothing was helping anyway and they stopped giving me my meds and stopped taking me to the psych and therapist.

    nothing changed though, i still wanted to die and i still kept trying.
  11. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I think I'm going to do a Violet here. (In the nicest sense). If as you say seeing a therapist doesn't help, taking the meds doesn't help, then it seems to me that changing one or both has got to be worth a try. Therapists are basically a pain in the bum - it takes so much looking and checking and heartache to find one who is even halfway to being able to help. It's finding the right person, the one who can get through to you that's going to make the difference. Don't know,maybe you have been through several, but if you're still finding it's not helping, look again. It's got to be worth it.
  12. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    yes, i've been through many therapists and i find it too time consuming and tiresome to do again

    sorry to have stopped so abruptly, but my daughter was getting restless.

    when i graduated and went to college i decided to move as far away as possible and never come back. i also decided that it was time i got the help that i needed. i was optomistic to say the least.

    it was all a big disappointment. i couldn't afford meds, or a therapist, not even the cheap ones at the university

    it didn't take long for a man to come into my life, so i married hoping that would make things better. it didn't.

    things got worse, a lot worse, and quick. i found myslef married to a man who wasn't ready to get married and made himself quite clear on that fact from day one. we didn't have a honeymoon because we didn't have the money. we didn't even have a bridal shower or wedding. we eloped after a church service one day.

    he wanted me to be open so i told him i was feeling bad and wanted to cut. he overreacted and asked what i wanted him to do alert the neighbors, he couldn't babysit me he had to work.

    i was left to deal with this stuff on my own. alone and married. it has not been a very happy time. after multiple suicide attempts, he finally understands (after 10 years of marriage) that i need to be on medication. some people can really tell a difference if i'm taking it or not. (i guess meds do help me sometimes. it just seems with everything going on and not being able to take them i've lost site of how helpful they really were.)

    the last suicide attempt is what really scared him into understanding how badly i needed meds. i ended up unconscious for 3 days in the hospital. i really don't remember anything, but i'm told that it was very ugly. my clothes had to be cut off and a tube forced down my throat. i threw up charcoal everywhere and yelled that they should leave me alone and let me die. i'm really glad i don't remember this. shortly after i woke up a sheriff was there to take me to the psych hospital. if you remember what i said earlier then you will understand how i got out. you just have to know what to say and how to act. i didn't even stay 30 minutes. (i've become pretty good at this over the years, so good that no one even knows something is wrong until i try to kill myself again.) this is not really something that is helpful, but rather harmful. if i don't feel like dealing with a hospitalization then i put on my happy face and say and do all the right things and i'm out of there within a few hours.

    i've not tried to kill myself since my daughter was born, but that doesn't mean i don't want to. i sent off for information on my burial and written a bit here and there on a will. i just think she deserves more than i could ever give her.

    i can't take care of her. i can't even take care of myself. i can't get a job, and the last one i had, if i hadn't quit they would have fired me

    i make it a point to not let anyone know at work of any part of my history with this, it just puts a label on a person and makes life difficult in my opinion
  13. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I logged off before you had replied, otherwise I'd have written sooner.

    What you've said explains a lot more what's going on, and I think I starting to get a sense of it. Your husband doesn't sound the most helpful of people (understatement I know) but that he's finally getting to realize just how much in a bad way you are, maybe is something good. Are you able to talk to him about how you feel now, at all?

    And I suppose I have to say the obvious, and I expect people have said this to you before, but checking yourself out of hospital by playing the put on a happy face say and do the right things game - could actually be hurting you rather than helping. Maybe if you did stay, tell them how bad things really were, they might, just might (I know it's a long shot, having experience of it myself) be able to help you in a way you hadn't anticipated.

    You sound lilke you're in such a bad way that anything has to be worth a shot, there's always hope (damned hope) that one day something will change, something will get better. And if you don't feel it right now, well I'll have it for you, until you find some yourself.
  14. jeff2674

    jeff2674 Member


    You've talked about how depressed and suicidal you are, but you don't tell us 'why'. When did you start feeling this way? And think back on what the situation was when you first started feeling this way.. Was it the way your family treated you?

    My heart really feels for you because your lack of self-confidence and how you put your own self-worth into what others have said/done to you it has you made stop enjoying life. It also has made taking the joy of having your daughter as well.

    One thing you need to realize is that if you kill yourself, there is a good chance your daughter will follow your footsteps. Your daughter needs you in every possible way. Use the love and comfort she is able to give to your advantage. Soak it up, cherish her, love her unconditionally. Killing yourself is not showing love to her, killing yourself to give her the opportunity to have a "better" life with another mother is not what she wants and will only be determental to her.

    I hope you realize that you need to start forgiving yourself for past doings and to start loving yourself again. I've been suicidal myself (about 10 years ago) so I know how it feels to not have 'hope'. It's the worst feeling in the world. But what I have learned is that there is joy in giving and that is what I started to do. The psych hospitals, meds, etc.. only do so much. Meds weren't going to help me and it actually did the opposite. I had to reach within to find that 'something' to hold onto.

    Your husband doesn't know what it's like, just like my wife doesn't know. They can't possibily understand what it feels like until they are in your shoes. And out of all the feelings that exist in this world it was the hopelessness that was going to drive me to kill myself. Just know there are people like me, that do care about what you are going through and know in their hearts that you do have alot to offer yourself and many others out there.

    If day to day seems like too much for you to handle right now, just take it hour to hour. Start making short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. Alot of people love and care about you, it's time that you start giving yourself this gift and feeling this love for yourself.
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