it's me again. lost in the depths of despair and the grips of suicide. only this time i have an 18 month old daughter and i'm 11 weeks pregnant. i wish i could say that suicide is not a viable option for me, but it's looking better and better as time goes by. i've been so terribly sick that i've not been able to take my meds for 2 months now. my husband considers me 'safe' because he has left me with his mother. it's not her job to make sure i don't kill myself. it's not my niece and nephew's job to check on me every half hour and make sure i haven't cut my wrists again. yet and still he insists that i stay with his mother when i am ill. don't get me wrong, it does help me to stay here because there is someone to take care of my daughter when i'm not able. i'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired and depressed and suicidal. you know it's bad when your reasons to die include your daughter and husband. he says that if i end up in the hospital then i don't love him, but what he doesn't understand is that it is because i love him that i want to die. he has had to deal with this for 10 years now and things aren't getting better, they only get worse. he needs someone who is not psychotic. my daughter needs someone who can take care of her not a mother that she has to take care of because of this. i really wish the pain would go away, but it never does. sure there is a moment here and there but 99.99% of the time it's the same old depression and crap. the only way out i have is to kill myself. it is the only option i have left.