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Dead End

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I've found myself in this situation once again, lost of hope and will to keep going on- after being happy and free for the last year.
I've suffered from depression periodically throughout my youth, making it worse by harming myself and those around me through use of alcohol, drugs, promiscuity and self harm. I finally escaped the circle of violence and started leading a healthier life- I got myself a good education and a very good career, in a field that helps people. I became physically active and competed in sports, and gained healthy relationships with friends, and a couple of relationships with men.
Over the last year, spirituality is something I've been struggling with and trying to find my own understanding of the world. I thought I had it all figured out, and I was content and at peace with who I was and where I was in the world and in life.
Lately, I've been finding myself creeping back into the same self destructive patterns, and I don't know how to stop it. The negative thoughts, the unhealthy coping mechanisms of alcohol and junk food.. I've also been lonely in a relationship sense, and have engaged in a couple of one night stands lately probably because subconsciously I'm trying to fill that 'void' in my life- one with a guy who I've liked for a long time, who I've even thought before that we're 'meant to be', as we're so compatible. But now he most definitely doesn't view me in the same light, as I acted like a *****. The other guy I recently slept with was from work too.. which means my reputation is most likely ruined now, and there's no chance of my life going back to the way it was. I don't see how any guy would want to establish a relationship with me now- I had previously viewed myself as a confident, attractive person who anyone would want to be with. Now I see that they only viewed me as a means to get laid for one night.
I've degraded myself in my own eyes, slashed my self esteem, ruined my image at work, ruined any chance with the guy of my dreams, and lost my purpose and strength to keep going.
I'm trying to view this logically and rationally, but I don't see how I can pick myself up from this mess, as I severed ties with everything that matters most to me.
I'm feeling as though I don't want to go on any longer, I feel as though there's no use, and that I'm forever doomed to be like this- to ruin everything that matters to me in life. I feel as though not going forward would be the best solution.
A little part of me though is still trying to desperately and hopelessly convince myself that there's a way out of the wreckage.. but I just don't see it.
Can anybody help me put things in perspective? Suggest things I can do to help me get of this mess? Short term and long term?
I'm clinging at straws here, I'm desperate for advice.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi hun first off quit beating yourself up okay. So you have had a few one night stands you don't think these guys have had the same You start sending boundaries for yourself okay about who you will date and what will happen in those dates You build your self esteem back up Councilling helps as well okay talking to someone about what and why you do the things you do a sounding board help hun Please don't be so hard on yourself just try to set safer boundaries hugs
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