dead is more and more around me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marti2003, Apr 29, 2011.

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  1. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    It is like the only way for me... never been these thoughts bigger then before. It is going through my mind now every time... i am already thinking how to do and what to do to plan it. I have schooldepts, I even search if these have consequenses for others, but it is not... i know for me it would not change, but if happends i know it will have an impact on my mom and all.. that is still what is holding me, but think that is good. Only I cannot deny that these thoughts are so present now.... it is all around me, i read on the internet and just find it out... it is all around me, i know it is selfish, but on this moment I do not know a other way out. I just want the things back to normal, but somehow it is not possible. Everything I do have a faillure outcome. It is really true, eveything I tried in the last 10 years was a faillure, I have almost no succes. I see everyone building up their lives, while I have nothing. It is like I am alone in this world and the world just continue. Why should they care about me. I just feel so tired and so lonely. Every day I cry or hurt myself. I cannot stand myself anymore. I want to run away, I want to get out of here, I want to run away from my thoughts and memories, it is just hurting me :( I do not know anymore what to do. End feels so near now... I feel that it always be the same, why should I go on, I already fight enough, I am tired of it and feel defeated... dunno anymore :(
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi sorry depression has got such a hold on you I care i do and i think right now you need to reach out for help okay I know dept can be overwhelming but call or talk to financial aide and see if payments can be postponed until you get a job or career
    I hope you have talked to your doctor about all these suicidal thoughts the darkness you feel get on some medication to help lessen them get some therapy to help you as well cope
    Your mom will be devasted if you left so please reach out now and get some help for you
    Your reach out here that is good now reach out in real life and get the supports that are there for you to get feeling better hugs
     
  3. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    It is so weird that it can be stronger in one moment and like now I not really have, I feel straight now, but not really great. It is so weird with me. But that it get stronger everytime is there.... i said to the doctor that it was in my mind, but it get stronger... it is so difficult, i wish i had some luck with something, i need a positive thing to work on, but is not easy... i try...i need to get rid of those thoughts but also of my negative thoughts, but difficult to be happy... i wish i could be.... but wish some things get be ok again, but i doubt... i really hope....

    Thank you....
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    are you in the states?

    I think that if you are disabled (which I think you are), you can get your debt suspended or forgiven

    you may also be eligible for disability payments
     
  5. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Why do you think that? I am not from the States... and when I was I do not want to belong in a disabled group, I want to be treated as a normal person, so I will carry that debt and pay it off as a normal person would....
     
  6. chilipepper

    chilipepper New Member

    I don't know your whole story but I have heard many that result in the same thought process that screams out in your post. You mention that your ready and the end is near. Just one question for you. Is everyone you know ready also? Are they prepared and aware that your going to take your life. The reason I ask is because you are condemning them to a life of never ending grief of which there is no relief. Beyond the grief is the guilt that will infect every part of there lives. The lesson here is that your killing more then just yourself but many others left behind. Can you think of just 1 person you wouldn't want to do this to? If so you have a reason to live and look for help. My life was taken from me when my daughter committed suicide and has never been the same. She destroyed many lives with her act. Please think about this and PM me if you need to talk.
     
  7. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    You are right with that and I am fully aware of that and for sure it is keeping me alive... but I cannot deny that the feelings are strong and for sure I want those feelings get away and I am trying.... I know what will happen if I do so, I do not want this, but my feelings are strong now.... I hope I can overcome them and thank you for being open to me to give your story, it really remind me what will happen and what it can do in someones life....and sure I do not want to do make a life change and make people sad... I am fighting for it and try everyday find a way to deal with this... I get help from mental centre, I hope they can pull me in the right direction..... thank you for that.....
     
  8. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    It is so difficult to find a way to feel better... nothing is working out, how can i stay encouraged, this feeling is taking over me more and more, i wish i could stop it, but how? I want to get this bad feelings away, i do not know where to go or what to do, i feel really lost... even sleeping i am dreaming and remind me of things, i woke up crying today, why is my mind so screwing me, i just want all go away, i want to make it stop, but how
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You call your doctor and talk to him her let know how you are feeling and get some support in place for you okay t hat is how you get control.
     
  10. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Wednesday I will see my pschcologist again, second time, i hope it will result in something.... it is always up and down, but mostly these down feelings... thank u, hope all go well
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh that is good thing you are seeing your psychologist make sure you are open with him okay It is only second time so it will take time to build up a relationship with him I am glad you have some supports in place for YOU hugs to you
     
  12. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I hope this will give me a way to handle things, now I am more in a state of that I am not a part of this world anymore... like no meaning and not usefull... it feels I have actually nothing anymore... like i slowly dying already...
     
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You have uses, you just have to find out what it is. Maybe a little thing but they are there, we are put here for a reason, you may not have found your yet, dont give up though, it may be right around the corner.

    Hugs, here if you ever want to talk.
     
  14. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Thanks
    Only i do not see how things can be better while everything around me is breaking apart... i feel like loosing, i already did... it is just the end for me
     
  15. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    I hate this feeling, i cannot take it anymore, is better i leave, everyone think i am just an annoying person and i am, i better go, i hate myself, i cannot take it any longer
     
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