It is like the only way for me... never been these thoughts bigger then before. It is going through my mind now every time... i am already thinking how to do and what to do to plan it. I have schooldepts, I even search if these have consequenses for others, but it is not... i know for me it would not change, but if happends i know it will have an impact on my mom and all.. that is still what is holding me, but think that is good. Only I cannot deny that these thoughts are so present now.... it is all around me, i read on the internet and just find it out... it is all around me, i know it is selfish, but on this moment I do not know a other way out. I just want the things back to normal, but somehow it is not possible. Everything I do have a faillure outcome. It is really true, eveything I tried in the last 10 years was a faillure, I have almost no succes. I see everyone building up their lives, while I have nothing. It is like I am alone in this world and the world just continue. Why should they care about me. I just feel so tired and so lonely. Every day I cry or hurt myself. I cannot stand myself anymore. I want to run away, I want to get out of here, I want to run away from my thoughts and memories, it is just hurting me I do not know anymore what to do. End feels so near now... I feel that it always be the same, why should I go on, I already fight enough, I am tired of it and feel defeated... dunno anymore