Dead Lady Walking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Luliby, Oct 20, 2008.

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  1. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    That's what i like about this forum, I can say things here I just can't express to family, therapist, case manager or hotlines. I can journal it but then it's hidden. This way it feels expressed because it's veiwable.

    I have Treatment Resistant Depression, also know as Retroactive Depression. Meds no longer work for me, they have exhausted all possibilities for treatment. I have to live with this depression the rest of my life. Those of you who have depression know what a torment it is. Its like every day is the worst day oif your life and you just want to be dead. This is year 5 for me. I feel like I have tried the treatments, done the hospitalizations, been through it all to get better and now the truth is this... I will never get better. I've had a 2nd and 3rd opinion.

    I'm not going to live another year like this. Sometime between now and December 31 I need to unplug from this world. Questions like how and when are always playing in my mind to the point that suicide is my number one priority. I distract to try and fight it, still mindful of the impact it will have on my family. I have no children or husband. I live alone. But my Mother and sisters and brother would be hurt. I have no friends. In truth, just a handful of hurt people who will in time get over it and move on with their lives. I don't play that big a role in anyone's life. I guess I have managed to withdraw from everyone rather successfully.

    I don't want to be helped. I don't want advice. I don't want consolation. I just want to make a statement of fact for others to see that I am hurting so terribly that suicide is my only option. That I have tried to fight it for years but no longer. Hope is too painful a thing to try to reach for, I'm not chasing that carrot anymore. I pray to die so often I can't measure it. I've wished to be dead more times than I can count. I regret living each day, each breath is a foul draft to my being.

    I'm such a wus though, or I'd be dead by now. I've decided to buy a gun. I'd rather kill myself sooner than later... not over the holidays, you know? So October and soon, or early Nov at the latest.

    Luliby :harp:
  2. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure that your family would really get over it, though. I know that some of my losses that are over a decade old still hurt like they happened five minutes ago.

    I wish I could change things for you. :( It must hurt a lot to hear that diagnosis. :hug:

    We love you here on SF. Please don't go.
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    My Dad died in an accident 15 years ago. I have never gotten over it. I can't even imagine if he had actually done it on purpose.

    That being said, you have an unfortunate diagnosis, but there are very talented doctors out there who can and will help. There are medications soon to be released that will also help.

    I wouldn't give up just yet.

    Hope is always rewarded.
  4. kote

    kote Account Closed

    dont give up!

    these challenges are here to do exactly that, push you to your bounderies.

    but as humans we can overcome anything.

    i know the pain you feel and i am in the same position myself and the distancing of people and society - yep i with you on that one too.

    but i refuse to be beaten down by the constructs of society. just think humans arent meant to function in the way they do. we are still supposed to be hunter gathers, not cubicle pen pushers. out brain and its chemistry hasnt caught up and thats why we feel so sick every second of every day.

    being outside at a lovely park or in the mountains always clears your mind.

    i know youve been through hell and back with every possible cause and condition and the drs. have just thrown up their hands! well screw them!!! prove to them and everyone else that you still have strength enough to push on through and bounce back up. personally i have swings and round abouts, so im always up and down. but when im down i refuse to let anyone keep me there. its been years of suffering now and i refuse to give in or give up as then i have lost the battle.

    if you have the strength and power to go through with suicide then you are stronger than i could ever be. if you are stronger than me then you have so much to live for and look forward to! start again away from everything and everyone and find something new to keep you busy and from bouncing on these lows.

    all of us here suffer your pain too, we all want to help, you are never alone!!! we all accept you for you and understand what you are feeling and thinking!!!
    we dont and cant offer you the advice and cure which these drs. have tried but maybe we can offer our hand of friendship and love.

    when ive been at my lowest point, the people ive needed have never been there. but this forum helps. so share and get things off your chest and through sharing you will help others like me and yourself get through the tough times. time does cure!!! with or without meds we can all help with support!!!


    take care and please stay close to us all here.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Re: dont give up!

    Hi Luliby. Please don't go through with your suicide plans. I know that it must have really hurt when the doctors told you that your depression is basically incureable. But it doesn't mean that your life is over, not by a longshot. Just because the doctors have given up, it doesn't mean that you have to give up. You can still keep on fighting. I know that it's hard living with depression, but it's not a death sentence. Have you ever wondered why it is that you're depressed? Have you suffered physical/emotional trauma when you were younger? To overcome depression, you have to deal with these repressed issues and free yourself from them. Please don't give up hope. :hug:
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lullaby,
    I respect your wish to not be posted. It's been 15 years here. If you want to talk PM me!~Joseph~
  7. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey hun, just thought I'd let you know that I am thinking about you, I know you have struggled for so long but in the beginning you were the strongest, fittest and most able of millions fighting for her chance to breathe on Earth and to find a purpose in a life that could so easily not have been. You were born with a big heart and the love you offer your friends as I have bourne witness is unconditional and true, it would be a shame to lose something as precious from the world like that and I know in your heart of hearts you intend fully to go onwards from life fighting as hard to stay in a world as you did to breathe an ounce of life at the beginning :hug:
  8. daniel2

    daniel2 Banned Member

    Is this where it ends? Is this where I'm headed? It really wears you down doesn't it.

  9. mga84

    mga84 New Member

    Yeah, just to reiterate. I am constantly asking for a timeline--- when is it ok to let go? When has it been long enough? But, the reality is, I guess we just try to wake up and push through. Surprise ourselves with little things, do a favor for those we love. I don't know. I hear you though. Loud and clear.
  10. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Luliby, I'm terribly sorry about your depression. I had electroconvulsive therapy in the hospital a month ago and it temporarily helped an agitated depression I've somehow lived through over the past year and a half. The depression is back and I generally have terrible reactions to antidepressants which worsen my OCD or GAD.

    Please at the very least ask your psychiatrist about ECT and see if you can have it tried on you. I don't know why the relief didn't last this time but it was very successful for me twice in the past. Please stick around and keep posting :arms:.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Luliby, I wish there were so many things I could change so you could find the strength to keep fighting and finally find success with living. You are such an amazing person. My life was blessed when you entered into it at this site those few years ago. We shared some good conversations and you understood so much of what I felt. You were constantly reaching out to others while rarely asking anything in return. Even though they may say your depression is treatment resistant I know there are still ups and downs. The day may come when they find the right combination of things that could be just what you need to make the difference. Don't give up. You don't have to do this alone. You do have many people that love you and care what happens to you right here at the forum. Let us help if we can. :hug:
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think neanderthal has said it all!! Very well written, and you can feel the emotion behind it. Best Wishes and hope you stay with us. Take Care!!~Joseph~
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