Sorry, can't think of a title. Well I hate my guts for so many reasons that it's ridiculous to start listing. I suffer from depression, anxiety and very likely Borderline personality disorder. This is no way to live but I feel sucked into this depression. I'm not gonna my school diploma because I couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning. I have been severly depressed for years. I go to bed and the smallest thoughts make me sick to my stomach. And I'm jsut 18, a real winner. I'm not satisfied with going to the army in a few months before I got to actually live my life, I had nothing in my life growing up, all that's left is stress. 15 year olds have probably done more than I have. I'm talking like I want to change but in a way I love being depressed. I'm not in the greatest state of mind to explain what I mean, but I don't wanna miss the feeling of hating myself and relating to depressing songs. How eloquent ... not. I think about suicide a lot. Sometimes when I'm in a really stressful situation I just imagine pointing a gun to my neck like it's some sort of therapy. I don't think I will actually commit suicide because I respect my family too much for that (and they're gonna be so disappointed when they find out they're not having grandchildren from me, see how fucked up this world is?) and I'm scared of going to hell (despite calling myself an atheist/agnostic... shows how well I know myself) so I don't think I'll really do it. I think of suicide as a way to express my pain. To remind myself how much I hate my life. I almost want to self destruct or at least fantasize about it. I tried to make myself an alcoholist a while ago... yeah. This post is embarassing but I have to tell the truth if I want to get things out of my chest. I'm absolutely lost and friendsless. I've literally no one to talk to. Literally. Not sure what the purpose of this post is, maybe actually interact with anyone.