Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by someone_, Apr 6, 2008.

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  1. someone_

    someone_ Active Member

    Sorry, can't think of a title.

    Well I hate my guts for so many reasons that it's ridiculous to start listing. I suffer from depression, anxiety and very likely Borderline personality disorder. This is no way to live but I feel sucked into this depression. I'm not gonna my school diploma because I couldn't get myself out of bed in the morning. I have been severly depressed for years. I go to bed and the smallest thoughts make me sick to my stomach. And I'm jsut 18, a real winner.

    I'm not satisfied with going to the army in a few months before I got to actually live my life, I had nothing in my life growing up, all that's left is stress. 15 year olds have probably done more than I have. I'm talking like I want to change but in a way I love being depressed. I'm not in the greatest state of mind to explain what I mean, but I don't wanna miss the feeling of hating myself and relating to depressing songs. How eloquent ... not.

    I think about suicide a lot. Sometimes when I'm in a really stressful situation I just imagine pointing a gun to my neck like it's some sort of therapy. I don't think I will actually commit suicide because I respect my family too much for that (and they're gonna be so disappointed when they find out they're not having grandchildren from me, see how fucked up this world is?) and I'm scared of going to hell (despite calling myself an atheist/agnostic... shows how well I know myself) so I don't think I'll really do it. I think of suicide as a way to express my pain. To remind myself how much I hate my life. I almost want to self destruct or at least fantasize about it. I tried to make myself an alcoholist a while ago... yeah. This post is embarassing but I have to tell the truth if I want to get things out of my chest. I'm absolutely lost and friendsless. I've literally no one to talk to. Literally. Not sure what the purpose of this post is, maybe actually interact with anyone.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm glad you posted.

    i also dream alot about suicide, but i've found it only works up to a certain point. that's when i scared myself enough to get some professional help. i wouldnt' say i love being depressed, but there has been a certain comfort in knowing that suicide is always an option. it's an option i'm having a hard time letting go of.

    are you going into the army in a few months or did i misunderstand? if so, it's gonna be very stressful. it would be good to have tackled a few issues before you go. would you ever go to counselling?

  3. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hey someone

    Well done for posting, it takes alot of courage to let people know how you are feeling and im glad you did. Its the first step towards change.

    Like Dazzle said, have you ever had counselling? As the suicidal thoughts get stronger out ability to deal with them deminishes. If you had someone to talk this though with it will allow you to develop a new coping strategy.

    Best wishes, and be safe xxx
  4. someone_

    someone_ Active Member

    Yes, I'm going to the army in a few months. I don't think I'll ever do counseling. Some of the things I say are probably not gonna be pretty to hear and not everyone is gonna put up with them. And it takes a lot for me to remotely trust anyone, let alone want to share what I feel with anyone.

    I did go to the counselor at school and talked to her for literally 3 minutes, didn't even say much, but she informed my teacher. Which sucked. I also had a "psychologist" online and he knew more than anyone but he passed away. I don't feel like going through that again, it's really not for me.

    That's the thing though, I have no one to talk to. Lately I feel brainlesss, washed up, empty, numb... when really I have so many issues when I start to think of them. My mind is pretty much dead. Then I start to panic when I think about all my unresolved issues.

    The original post was so random. I just literally typed that up in 5 minutes, writing down exactly what I'd write down in a diary if I had one, nothing is censored. The thing with suicide is that I don't really want to do it but I think about it a lot as a way of thinking that's how I'll express my pain. I also picture people I love dying. Makes me wanna know if I'm sane, maybe I'm not and I don't know it. So I thought I'd post because I have nothing better to do anyway and hearing anyone out could be refreshing.
  5. Ugly

    Ugly Active Member

    I used to have avoidance personality disorder but I just recently overcame it. The problem with me is I am ugly, and there is no way around it. You can't practice to be better looking
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