Dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by beatlesmarley, Feb 18, 2010.

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  1. beatlesmarley

    beatlesmarley Member

    I hate myself. I don't know what to do. I feel nothing but pain, emptiness, and blackness. I have to cut to make myself feel anything else. I have an abusive parent. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yet everything they say is true. I hate myself. And I want to kill myself. I feel dead already. So why not. It won't matter to anybody. People would get over it. I t would hurt nobody. But help many.
     
  2. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    .....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2010
  3. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    (sorry, dbl post above)

    i have felt like that many times before - you're in a dark hole and seemingly no way out. it's a terrible place to be and i feel for you. you have every right to be in pain - you aslo have a right to be heard. i'm listening...

    it may not feel like it now, but no-one is completely worthless. you have much to offer i am sure, even if your brain is telling you otherwise...

    take one, or as many aspects, however many or few as you want, and write about it here. let us know what you're going through. we may not have all the sage advice in the world, but we'll be here for you and help you through it...
     
  4. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    *hug*
    pm if u want to talk about anything
     
  5. beatlesmarley

    beatlesmarley Member

    exactly. i dont think there even is a way out.
    mhm. its not just my brain. its everything. my parents tell me im worthless all the time. according to them, im an ugly, stupid person with no future, and no chance at doing anything in life. i think theyre right. im a sophomore so grades are starting to be important. but i cant seem to make myself care enough to try. i have crappy grades. and with them i wont even get into a community college. then ill be stuck at home. with no job. and no life. stuck with my parents. just that alone makes me want to die. but thats not even the beginning. another one. everybody i ever trust hurts me. they lie, or say something, or do something that hurts me completely so i cant trust anybody ever again. i feel like im all alone. and i am. another thing. i hate everything about myself. i hate the way i look. i hate the way i act. the way i talk. every single little thing about me i hate. i have scars all over from cutting. which i also hate because they are too hard to explain. i hate trying to explain it, because obviously im not good at talking about it. i have started to kill my self many times, but i always just end up passing out. which is another thing. i cant do anything right. and when i tried, nobody noticed. not one person. which proves nobody would care if i was dead. theres still even more. its just too much and i cant take it.
    Thanks. To both of you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2010
  6. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    gawd i remember going through school and the pressure to perform immediately "or your life is over" is great. but one thing i've learned is that in the real world (unless of course you have a dream to become a doctor or lawyer or somesuch) people care more about real results. you can pick your life up again after school... please by no means am i saying school isn't important for it is and i would have had a far easier time if i had used the opportunity i had better, but it is possible to still have a real life...

    let go of that for now and concentrate on getting better inside. no matter what your grades are, no matter what job you get or whose house you end up living in, your inside and your head are gonna follow you around. you can't run away from it - i know because i've tried :pP

    you have many things building up on top of one another and it can become overwhelming. it's terrible what you're going through...

    have you asked your parents for help? asked them if you can talk to a therapist - or gone to see the one (if you have one) at the school?
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Carly,
    Welcome to the forums!!I can relate to your way of thinking.. My parents always told me I am worthless, a mistake, That I would never accomplish anything, etc etc... Well I proved them wrong..I quit high school and joined the military after living on the streets for a year..
    I eventually landed a management position with a company andwas amking great money.. I bought a nice home, two new vehicles, and always had money to do what ever I wanted too.
    After ten years with the company I had a nervous breakdown and lost everything..So now my parents thoughts that I would be a looser have come true.. You know what I don't care... I know who I am and if I could I would go back to work..I still have many issues and am working with a therapist..
    So I guess what I am saying is don't give up hope, things will turn around for you eventually..You should put your focus in your school work so you can go to college..Prove your parents wrong..It's your life and you don't have to accept what others say or think about you..I wish you well..
     
  8. beatlesmarley

    beatlesmarley Member

    Spirit: Mhm. I kind of want to be a musician of some sort. But i don't really know. Oh god. "After school" That seems like such an incredibly long time. i dont even know if i can make it past the week let alone 2 whole years.yeah. i guess. i dont really know if i can get better inside though. ive been trying and trying and it just hurts all the time. i dont even know what "it" is but whatever it is it never goes away and just keeps the pain present. yeah, thats true. running away from a brain would be pretty hard. mhm. i do. there are a couple of other things too but those are unchangeable i guess so not as important. but worse in a way.thanks. yeah. its not fun. i try to avoid talking to my parents if possible. they dont like me and if i told them any of this would either say im making it up, or they would just laugh. i used to see a therapist at my school, but i dont know. i could never really tell her anything.i was scared she would just turn on me, which is what usually happens.

    Stranger: Thats cool. Eek sorry about the nervous breakdown, must have been rough. yeah. i want so much to prove them wrong. i dont know if i can though. im scared to try and fail and just give them another reason to call me names and hurt me.i just dont know.
     
  9. beatlesmarley

    beatlesmarley Member

    oops that cut off on accident. my bad. i just dont know what i can do. i mean i used to have the same problem. i would try really hard and my grades would still be bad. no matter what. now i havent been trying as hard, but they are the same as they were when i wasnt. so i dont know. part of it could be that i have minor add and bipolar i guess but still. it shouldnt be that drastic. i am honestly not sure whether i am capable of actually doing well. maybe im just supposed to die early and not do anything. i have no idea, but thats what it seems like.
     
  10. Spirit Wing

    Spirit Wing Active Member

    i'd like to recommend that you do not confuse grades at school with your self-worth. there are plenty people who never did well at school who became very successful in their chosen field - einstein for example :p i'm not saying you shouldn't care about your marks, because you should, but you shouldn't get your academic failure/success mixed up with your feelings of worthlessness. make sense? you'll pull through just fine if you separate those two - don't neglect working on either, but keep them separated as much as you can...
    someone else may disagree with me, so please don't take my advice as anything concrete, just pick what seems right for you, k? you can take charge of your life.

    now your relationship with your parents is poor and the one with your school therapist was pretty sucky too. when i was in school, i hardly saw my mother, never my father and my school 'therapist' was a snobby glitter-girl i could never trust, let alone talk to. i wish it wasn't so because my life would have been easier if i'd had someone to talk to, but hey there ya go. everyone has their cross to bear, right?

    so, what other resources do you have? others would be able to advise you better on more professional people you could contact in your area - can i assume you're in the US? even if you're in the UK, i wouldn't be able to advise. but you do have this forum to vent in and have people understand what you're going through. talking through your problems - and then taking responsibility for them, but that can come later - can help ease the pressure. so keep on posting...

    also know that while your parents' opinion means a great deal to you now, they are still only human and they only have their own opinion. no matter how well someone does/should know you, it's only one opinion each. there is a whole world out there and everyone has a different persective. now this is difficult, especially because it's your parents and they should be the ones supporting and feeding you the encouragement and love you so desperately want/need: don't base your opinion of yourself on someone else's opinion/judgement. especially if it's only limited to so few view points.

    and also - don't loose me here! lol - sometimes it is our perception of others' opinions that form the base of our opinions of ourselves. this is most unwise because often enough, we were wrong in our original perception. i obviously don't know your parents and from what you've said here, it seems they can act rather unfairly, however the possibility remains that in their own way they may still love you. not that that helps much with your sense of worth in their eyes, but maybe if you think about it, it will help just a little.

    my point is: make your own judgement - or rather postpone expressing your opinion until your mind is a clearer. let go of any label put on you by others. you really don't need them. you can make your own labels as you go along - and take them off and add more as you wish - but let them be your own labels (no-one else has the right to tarnish you with their brush). and let them be labels you sincerely like! be labeless for now if you must... later, when you're feeling better, you can write your first label and see if it fits.

    with regards to your schoolwork: you say you've tried harder but you don't seem to see any results. how have you tried harder? have you studied with a partner who is particularly good in a subject? you don't have to like them or visa versa, you just need their brain. probability is good you won't bump into them again after school, so who cares what they think as long as you're progressing...

    or have you cornered a teacher and asked them for extra help when you don't understand something? teachers get paid to teach. it's your job to ask questions. if they don't like your questions or your failure to understand something, then they are not doing their job properly. you could then approach another teacher or the head or search teachers online - do whatever you can to get what you need. that's what they are there for. however, most teachers won't go out of their way to identify and help those who are struggling, so you need to ask loudly and consistently for assistance. don't give up. carry on until you have your answers. it's your life - and it's their job. there is no 'liking' involved when it comes to academics (well, ok, so it helps, but you're setting up your life here).

    maybe it's not subject matter that you struggle with - it is perhaps the testing process? if so, there are many ways to get around that. you just need to identify where it is you are struggling.

    and maybe the noise in your head is so loud, you just can't concentrate long enough to absorb anything. whatever the problem is, school work is an easy enough problem to solve. you may or may not be an academic, that doesn't matter. what matters is you give yourself the best start to your life as you possibly can. you are worth that for sure!

    as i said earlier, keep posting...
    or some people prefer PM'ing. i don't mind either way :D

    looking forward to hearing from you!
     
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