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Dealing with desperation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CibOne, Aug 11, 2013.

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  1. CibOne

    CibOne New Member

    Hi everyone. I will start with the mandatory "I am not an native English speaker so sorry for my grammar" I do have spell check on to filter the most obvious mistakes, so hopefully I wont make that much of a fool of myself.A couple of years ago I got in a car accident that turned my life around and have been dealing with depression ever since. Here is my story.

    When I was a child I wasn't one of the popular kids but I had friends , people taught of me as one of the smarter students , because I was doing well in a couple of math competition and exams. Which got me accepted in the best local high school for math. I wasn't doing well in sports and didn't look well so I tried to change myself and started training. And that's when it happened one night when my parents ware taking me home from training a drunk driver crashed in us.

    I was heavily injured and had to spend a couple of months in hospitals and overall a year away from everybody I knew. After the first two-three months only one injury remained , the nerves of my right arm ware ripped from the spine. Which meant that for me to get some movement back in it I had to go trough a series of surgeries and years of rehabilitation or to remove the arm. And I chose the first option.

    After all of that I had immense phantom pain which made anything extremely hard to do. It was driving me insane. And started playing a lot of computer games just to focus my self on something else, plus a lot of painkillers made me survive the next few months until I had a surgery to fix my nerves.

    I still couldn't move my arm at all and had to spend a lot of time on rehabilitation but I was ready to start again with my live as an normal teenage boy. But I was wrong. Soon after that I realized that my old friends ware evading me and I couldn't make any new friends in my new class (had to skip a year) probably it's just not fun to be around the crippled kid when you are seventeen. After that my confidence disappeared
    I started thinking myself as an outcast. So the next three years ware hell. I tried to make some friends with no results and just felt more out of place. Everyone was having the time of their life and I had to spend all of my time on rehabilitation and my free time on playing games. I just wanted time to go faster. But i hoped that things will change once I got in the university.

    My senior year was just as horrible while everyone was having the time of their life , I was alone I had nobody to talk to, not a single friend. Yet again the only thing I wanted to start from scratch somewhere else. I tried to focus on my studies and started failing a lot . You see being smart was my ticket out of the situation and failing at it made me feel even worse. But I did it I got accepted in the university I wanted.

    And when I got there to get a new start I realized that people ware acting the same way, maybe because I was the same person and slowly it crushed me . I started going to a therapist but It didn't help and as I failed all of my exams. I just can't talk to people anymore even writing this thread is extremely difficult. And my hopes of becoming a programmer are crushed.

    Now I am desperate and feel like there is just no place in this world for me.I am tired of being alone for so many years. And I am thinking of ending my life. I fear the impact it will have on my brother and father , they have been trough a lot too , my mother passed away during the car crash. it's too painful of a subject and none of us talk about it , for the same reason I didn't mention it before. I have found a method with a high mortality , because the last thing I want crippling myself even more, and a plan how to execute it. But above all I don't want to die. But everyday I feel worse than the day before I just don't know how long I can endure it. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I saw that sharing my story may help me and decided to try , I still hope that something can save me and help me change.

    P.S. Sorry at the end the emotions got the better of me and the last paragraph got a bit chaotic.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi CibOne
    So glad you found this community. You did a great job writing the thread. It was perfectly understandable.

    Life sometimes can take the most horriffic turns. Leaving us in a place we never thought we would be in. Alone, alienated, feeling hopeless. And yes, the pain can make even the most accomplished student unable to focus enough to study etc.

    Its horrible that life as you knew it changed. That friends didnt stand by you. And that things changed in that instant. Many people do feel that becoming a part of this commucnity really helps. I am one of those people who feel that for myself. Here is where you can find people with whom to talk. Here is where people can find support. Here is where people can be themselves and not be rejected.

    I hope you will post here a lot. Lean on people who will care and understand ( to the best we can understand, of course). And give support, when you can. I hope you will stay alive. Hopefully, by becoming part of this community you will find enough support to do that, day by day. Again, I am so glad you found us.
  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I read your story with full attention. Your English is actually much better than you seem to give credit. You are very articulate. :)

    I dropped out of high school in my junior year due to just being unable to cope with everything at once. 10 years later, and it's still a major trigger for my suicidal feelings to come up whenever I hear of my friends doing things I wish I was doing. I'm jealous that the people I once knew and wanted to be friends with on a deeper level are moving out on their own, getting married, and all of that, which I feel like I missed out on. I was never really able to make new friends afterward. I still feel alienated and not really the same as everyone else. Everyone seems different from me, and it's a feeling I can't shake. It's a nightmare, honestly.

    There is nothing worse than being left behind by your peers, especially if they were your friends, because of circumstances you had no way of controlling and continue to spend all of your life coping with that. I really mean that. There isn't anything worse. It's so painful, it causes me to panic if I let myself think about it too much. It hurts a lot.
  4. CibOne

    CibOne New Member

    Thanks for the support. As I said I rarely communicate with anyone so even writing here feels unnatural. But still writing that did make me feel a bit better about myself and so did the responses. And I will try to be more active around here and hopefully learn to talk to people :D
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I fully agree with flowers and solutions with their support.

    And for you - I have to commend you for breaking out of a comfort zone (from rarely communicating to using a forum) - and for the impact it had on you (it was positive, made you feel bit better about yourself.)

    Feel free to share as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. But this is one diverse, supportive, and well-balanced community.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    oh I really do hope uou can push yourself to write more. Because it is a safe and caring community. We need more members of the community !! ( of course if you want that too)
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep talking ok it does help and you won't feel so alone hugs
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