Let me preface this post by saying that the content may be a trigger for those with substance abuse issues and/or those with a loved one with a substance abuse issue. I mean the following not as a commentary on that group at large, but specifically in relation to myself and my family. I'm not in a position to comment on or judge anyone else. Having said that: I'm having a lot of trouble today dealing with my Mom. She has been an alcoholic for my entire life but it's gotten worse the last several years. I won't spend the time to recount and rehash everything. The last several weeks she has been especially angry, and has always scapegoated me. My family and my friends tell me again and again not to take anything she screams at me to heart, but it's hard. It's so hard to hear your own Mother scream at you and to other people that she wishes she'd never had a daughter. That she wishes my suicide attempt would have been successful. All I can think to myself is: what kind of person must I be for my own Mother not to love me? Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel so sick...wishing I would die, wanting to die, but worse yet wishing she would OD again and die. What horrible, horrible, horrible thought to have, I know. I don't really know what I am expecting from posting. It's nice to share and emote a little where people will hear me, responses or not. Keeping a journal can be cathartic but it kind of feels like a dead end to store my shitty thoughts. I know I just need to keep my head down and go one foot in front of the other, but some days it's just so hard. I'm about to go have coffee with a friend so I'm trying to take productive steps.