Dealing with father's murder/suicide, trying to vent bcuz im dying inside

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by DaDdYzLiLgiRL, Apr 4, 2007.

  1. So I'm warning you, this may be lengthy, but I need to get it off of my chest.

    I was born to a couple that had no business being together, let alone have a child together. My parents were broken up until my mother found out she was pregnant with me. When I was little she kidnapped me and dragged me around the country for a while, but the sent me from VA to somewhere in New England on a plane by myself when I was four, I remember the convo she had with my dad, saying she "didnt want me anymore, and couldn't handle me", mind you she dumped off two other kids just to be with my father.
    So that was it, I was moved in a blink of an eye to New England with my father, his then-gf and her daughter. Long story short, crazy drugs, crazy child/ sexual abuse towards me. Within about two years, they split. So since I was about six, its just been lil ole me, with my pops, no other blood family, just me and him, and thats how I lived. All I needed was him and that was that.
    About ten years ago, when I was around nine or ten, he met a woman, who we'll just call "TR" for protections sake. Now instinctly, I never liked her. She was a threat to tear me an my dad apart. Now she had her own kids and such, but her and my father were in love. They broke up for about a year or so, but then got right back together even though she had left him for another (shitty douche bag) man. They were extremly rocky, but underneath it all, they loved each other passionatly (sp?) She grew on me (I guess, we always had problems, but she was the closest thing I had to a mom and I have a LOT of her traits). They were the typical on again off again relationship due to drinking and drug problems on both parts, but still, they truley loved each other, but just couldnt make it work.
    So 2006 was a very rough year for me and my Daddy. He attemped suicide a few times, ending up in hospitals because I was doing everything I could to save my Daddy. I started school, so I had to lessen my hours at work, making my it hard for my father to support the house. So in late September TR moved in, bascially forcing me out. I wanted to give them some space, and I refused to have a woman who wasn't my mother, tell me what to do, when to do it, and giving me a curfew while I worked a 3rd shift job and trying to attend college full time. Wasnt going to happen. So I moved in with a friend of mine, literatly five minutes down the street.
    I was constantly the in between person, getting calls from Daddy, as well as TR about the happenings at the house, and the constant drama between the two. I was getting pretty sick of it, well after ten years, wouldn't you?! I received one last phone call from my father, on a Thursday night, after seeing him that afternoon which was odd because he seemed a little off, saying we had to have a privy convo about TR, the realtionship was falling apart and so was the household. I assured him that I would have a convo with him about such things, without a doubt.
    Friday came and at around 11 pm i thought about Daddy and how the day hadd gone by so quick because a friend of mine who moved out of state had come and I realized it was weird that Daddy hadn't caled me, becuase we talked on a daily basis and was assured by my bf that I could just call him the next day and he must have gotten wrapped up also.
    Saturday came, when I woke up, I immediatly called Daddy, no answer, the house, no answer, TR's phone, no answer. I thought it was weird, but thought they were on the bike, considering it was a gorgeous day, and Daddy owned a BEAUTIFUL Harley. I called all phone a few times an hour, still no answer. Around 7 that night, I went to my fathers house. When I pulled in. I saw his bedroom light was on, so I thought they were up. I went to the porch, and it was locked form the inside, so I went to the window. As I looked in through the shades, I saw him lying in bed, with his hand on his chest. So (duh) I started banging on the window, now my father was insanley paraniod, so if a squirrel shitted outtside, he would wake up. When he didn't budge when I was banging on the window to the point where it was bending, I became worried, but my mind refused to believe the truth, even though as soon as he didn't budge, my head knew he was dead.
    I broke into the porch and searched for the hidden key. Once I found it I rushed to the door to open it, and as soon as I did, the most putrid, retched smell came pouring out of my house. Oncec again, my mind refused to believe the truth. All the lights were out, except for my father's room. I ran to the room to check on Daddy, and to my (somewhat) disbelief, I found him lying in the most akward of positions on his bed. And still, I refused to believe. I mean, this was the only person in my life that I truely had, good or bad.
    When the EMT's showed up, they informed me of a second body, which I hadn't noticed, due to the fact that she was in the corner, next to the bed. They had also found a hand gun next to Daddy. My world came crashing down. The crime scene lasted until 7 the next morning, and I couldn't leave because my car was in the driveway, and considered part of the crime scene. It was two weeks before we could give him a ceremony, because his best friend in the world had to go out of state, and I couldnt do the ceremony without him. They had been friends since they were 11 and 12. I went to her ceremonies, and had to face the family, and in a crowd of Italians, me- a born redhead- stuck out like a sore thumb, and felt evry eye in the place turn at me, and i felt everryone pointing the perverbial (sp?) finger at me, being the only one in our family left. Her family assured me to not feel guilt, even her kids who I was very close with when we were all younger.
    I know this entry has been long,and I'm not exacly sure what I think this will accomplish, but it kind of feels good to let it out to perfect strangers, considering I really have no one to talk to. I tried therapy, but not really, I just don't feel like anyone could possibly relate, or try to help, because there's few in my situation. I only had Daddy my entire life, he was my backbone, my life, my everything. Evereything I did was for him, to make him happy, to make him pround- mind you i was 19 turning 20 when this happened. My life has been turned upside down because of this, and I know nothing will ever be the same, and nothing could bring him back, but theres justt so much. I can't tell people how I feel, because the only ways I can describe it is that I'm dying inside, I don't care about anything, and I mean nothing. I would love to walk outisde and be hit by a semi to end this, I'm suffering terribly and I'm scared about everything because I can't do anything about how I'm feeling. I'm just so held up(?) I can't let things out ever, and that was before this happened. I used to be able to talk to Daddy about everything, and now he's gone and I know no one can replace him, but I don't f'n know. I'm just rambling at this point. I'm just terrified about how to even begin to move on, and all I want is Daddy to take me into his arms again and tell me its ok and that he promises everything will be ok.


    Daddy- I love you forever and ever and however long ever is because you were my everything and I LOVE YOU.

    TR- You were the closest I had to a mom and I'm sorry about all the fights we had, I love you.
  2. Diseased88

    Diseased88 Active Member

    nothing anyone can say can make you feel better, but im really sorry for you loss, and hope everything works out for the best.
  3. jupiter202

    jupiter202 Well-Known Member

    Im really sorry and I know my words dont really change anything or make you feel better...but I really am saddened by this and I hope you can get through this pain somewhat..
  4. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    I am truly and deeply sorry for the loss of your father and the loss of your maternal figure. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you to lose them.
    It's good you are writing this out. You shouldn't feel the need to keep everything held up inside of you especially at a time like this. If therapy didn't quite work out for you maybe try keeping a journal where you can let all of these feelings out. People may not directly relate to your experience but they can definitely listen and sometimes even that can be a help.
    Even though your Dad is gone, I'm sure he will still always be proud of his child no matter what you do as long as you keep trying. You must be hurting so much right now but you need to keep fighting. :hug:

    If you ever need to talk or vent I'm only a pm away.
  5. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for you :( My Daddy died when I was only 16, and then my Mom moved to another state with her new hubby, so I too felt all alone. I also know what it's like to feel like you are dying inside, like you will never smile again. You wake up only to have painful memories come crashing down, or something happens in your life, and the first person you think to tell is your Dad.

    The good news is that after that period of not giving a shit about anything, you will start to feel better. It takes awhile, but you seem like a really strong girl. Lean on your bf and your friends during this time. Soon you will go the whole day without crying, then a week, then a month, and soon, every time you think of your Daddy you will smile or laugh about something he did or said and you will be able to remember him with joy and love.

    The crippling pain does not last forever (thank God), and you can make it through if you just hold on. PM me if you need a chat :)
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hun, I can't even begin to express myself .. words are failing me. I am so sorry about the things in your life that happend. I also am sorry about your father. I know it's hard going through abuse and deaths, I've been there myself. But.. hang in there hun, I hope you stick around SF. I'm here anytime you need to talk, ok? :hug:

    And welcome to SF. :hug:
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am so sorry for your horrible hurting and the events which have torn you apart.:sad: I can only echo the others who have replied to tell you that in time your wound will become a scar. It will forever remind you of the terrible events but you can overcome the hurt and be who you were meant to be. PLease come here to vent and scream and cry. We can offer you listening ears and strong shoulders to cry on.


  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Luckily there is no limit on how lengthy the messages are here. Yours was the right size.
    I just wanted to tell you that your Daddy will always be alive in your heart. Maybe that does not bring much comfort. I would feel just the same. I am sorry that you have this situation. I am sorry for your loss.

    Please feel safe here on SF. Since my parents are passed, I talk to them aloud now (when alone, ha). I had a breakdown after my Dad died. I can relate to your feelings of aloneness and grief very well. I hope we can aide you in uncovering or coping with some of the issues or hurt.

    Stay safe!!
  9. thank you all for all your thoughts and support. i truley do appreciate it. thank you all for readin also, I get pretty windy once I start talking. I sincerely appreciate it. :biggrin:

  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hug: You're welcome.
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You weren't windy at all Moon. I am glad you were able to write that out. I hope it helped just a little bit. I am so sorry to hear about what happened throughout your entire life as a young person. You sound as if you were a responsible young woman. The loss of your father in this way was very traumatic I am sure. Try to rmember the good times you had with him. When the negative thoughts try to creep in replace them with the good ones. As was mentioned above, it does take time to grieve through the loss. Don't try to rush things, as they will take whatever time to process that your mind feels it needs. I will keep you in my thoughts Moon. Take care. :hug:
  12. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i read too.Please keep sharing if you feel like it.

    No matter how long or how short......we are here.i was touched by your story and found your writing powerful.You express things well and i so hear your pain though will never know what its like to experience what your going through.Your so brave.Thankyou for sharing.
  13. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    i survived the suicide of my twin brother and my half sister. after my bros death, i felt very vulnerable and helpless without my father's money.

    i don't know on what terms you moved out. i tried moving out without my father's support. my father is too controling. he ridicules and lies about me in public for others to hear. my parents marraige was arranged. they have been in an unhealthy marraige for 39 years. since, i graduated college i work everyday for the last 9 months minus 3 days off because my friend came down from DC. otherwise, i would have no days off for the last 9 months. i missed my friends wedding because he didn't want me to go. my brother had to deal with this before he died.

    what i'm trying to say is that sometimes being away from unhealthy and controlling family members is sometimes a blessing.