So I'm warning you, this may be lengthy, but I need to get it off of my chest. I was born to a couple that had no business being together, let alone have a child together. My parents were broken up until my mother found out she was pregnant with me. When I was little she kidnapped me and dragged me around the country for a while, but the sent me from VA to somewhere in New England on a plane by myself when I was four, I remember the convo she had with my dad, saying she "didnt want me anymore, and couldn't handle me", mind you she dumped off two other kids just to be with my father. So that was it, I was moved in a blink of an eye to New England with my father, his then-gf and her daughter. Long story short, crazy drugs, crazy child/ sexual abuse towards me. Within about two years, they split. So since I was about six, its just been lil ole me, with my pops, no other blood family, just me and him, and thats how I lived. All I needed was him and that was that. About ten years ago, when I was around nine or ten, he met a woman, who we'll just call "TR" for protections sake. Now instinctly, I never liked her. She was a threat to tear me an my dad apart. Now she had her own kids and such, but her and my father were in love. They broke up for about a year or so, but then got right back together even though she had left him for another (shitty douche bag) man. They were extremly rocky, but underneath it all, they loved each other passionatly (sp?) She grew on me (I guess, we always had problems, but she was the closest thing I had to a mom and I have a LOT of her traits). They were the typical on again off again relationship due to drinking and drug problems on both parts, but still, they truley loved each other, but just couldnt make it work. So 2006 was a very rough year for me and my Daddy. He attemped suicide a few times, ending up in hospitals because I was doing everything I could to save my Daddy. I started school, so I had to lessen my hours at work, making my it hard for my father to support the house. So in late September TR moved in, bascially forcing me out. I wanted to give them some space, and I refused to have a woman who wasn't my mother, tell me what to do, when to do it, and giving me a curfew while I worked a 3rd shift job and trying to attend college full time. Wasnt going to happen. So I moved in with a friend of mine, literatly five minutes down the street. I was constantly the in between person, getting calls from Daddy, as well as TR about the happenings at the house, and the constant drama between the two. I was getting pretty sick of it, well after ten years, wouldn't you?! I received one last phone call from my father, on a Thursday night, after seeing him that afternoon which was odd because he seemed a little off, saying we had to have a privy convo about TR, the realtionship was falling apart and so was the household. I assured him that I would have a convo with him about such things, without a doubt. Friday came and at around 11 pm i thought about Daddy and how the day hadd gone by so quick because a friend of mine who moved out of state had come and I realized it was weird that Daddy hadn't caled me, becuase we talked on a daily basis and was assured by my bf that I could just call him the next day and he must have gotten wrapped up also. Saturday came, when I woke up, I immediatly called Daddy, no answer, the house, no answer, TR's phone, no answer. I thought it was weird, but thought they were on the bike, considering it was a gorgeous day, and Daddy owned a BEAUTIFUL Harley. I called all phone a few times an hour, still no answer. Around 7 that night, I went to my fathers house. When I pulled in. I saw his bedroom light was on, so I thought they were up. I went to the porch, and it was locked form the inside, so I went to the window. As I looked in through the shades, I saw him lying in bed, with his hand on his chest. So (duh) I started banging on the window, now my father was insanley paraniod, so if a squirrel shitted outtside, he would wake up. When he didn't budge when I was banging on the window to the point where it was bending, I became worried, but my mind refused to believe the truth, even though as soon as he didn't budge, my head knew he was dead. I broke into the porch and searched for the hidden key. Once I found it I rushed to the door to open it, and as soon as I did, the most putrid, retched smell came pouring out of my house. Oncec again, my mind refused to believe the truth. All the lights were out, except for my father's room. I ran to the room to check on Daddy, and to my (somewhat) disbelief, I found him lying in the most akward of positions on his bed. And still, I refused to believe. I mean, this was the only person in my life that I truely had, good or bad. When the EMT's showed up, they informed me of a second body, which I hadn't noticed, due to the fact that she was in the corner, next to the bed. They had also found a hand gun next to Daddy. My world came crashing down. The crime scene lasted until 7 the next morning, and I couldn't leave because my car was in the driveway, and considered part of the crime scene. It was two weeks before we could give him a ceremony, because his best friend in the world had to go out of state, and I couldnt do the ceremony without him. They had been friends since they were 11 and 12. I went to her ceremonies, and had to face the family, and in a crowd of Italians, me- a born redhead- stuck out like a sore thumb, and felt evry eye in the place turn at me, and i felt everryone pointing the perverbial (sp?) finger at me, being the only one in our family left. Her family assured me to not feel guilt, even her kids who I was very close with when we were all younger. I know this entry has been long,and I'm not exacly sure what I think this will accomplish, but it kind of feels good to let it out to perfect strangers, considering I really have no one to talk to. I tried therapy, but not really, I just don't feel like anyone could possibly relate, or try to help, because there's few in my situation. I only had Daddy my entire life, he was my backbone, my life, my everything. Evereything I did was for him, to make him happy, to make him pround- mind you i was 19 turning 20 when this happened. My life has been turned upside down because of this, and I know nothing will ever be the same, and nothing could bring him back, but theres justt so much. I can't tell people how I feel, because the only ways I can describe it is that I'm dying inside, I don't care about anything, and I mean nothing. I would love to walk outisde and be hit by a semi to end this, I'm suffering terribly and I'm scared about everything because I can't do anything about how I'm feeling. I'm just so held up(?) I can't let things out ever, and that was before this happened. I used to be able to talk to Daddy about everything, and now he's gone and I know no one can replace him, but I don't f'n know. I'm just rambling at this point. I'm just terrified about how to even begin to move on, and all I want is Daddy to take me into his arms again and tell me its ok and that he promises everything will be ok. ~Moon~ ~R.I.P.~ Daddy- I love you forever and ever and however long ever is because you were my everything and I LOVE YOU. TR- You were the closest I had to a mom and I'm sorry about all the fights we had, I love you.