I am at a loss. I came off suicide watch nearly two months ago. I have fail twice in that past I know the numbers just that fact makes me at such a higher risk to try again but I have never felt alive since the first attempt. That was eight years ago. I know I am still dealing with depression but dose it ever change. I am physically ill and mentally ill but what am I to do. I care for people but I hate being around people. At time i feel like a heartles bastard because I don't give a fuck about the world. For a week or two I can run on four hours sleep and one meal a day. Then just like that I need 14 hours sleep and I'll switch between eating too much to nothing at all. I want to be well but I feel no hope of being well so I just want to run from life. Sry for the ramble I'm a stupid fuck who need to shut up.