Dealing with more stuff

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by odnox, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I had planned to step away from this forum because I was feeling a lot better about my crush issue. I kind of "figured it out" and wanted to try to enjoy life a bit while I was feeling so good and NOT wanting to kill myself. But like all things in life... there just seems to be more.

    I'm not having a problem with the crush anymore. Minor pain while I sort the final bits out, but mostly done. Now it's just everything else. I think while I was having my little fantasy relationship with her I was able to put the rest of my life on hold and not worry about it. Now that she's gone, I have all this other crap.

    I feel stuck. I read somewhere that when you feel stuck it's often because one part of your life is dominating. So, for a while it was her that was dominating. Today it's work.

    A guy from my team submitted his resignation today. We've had management shakeups and layoffs and I think we're all just tired and overworked. And now likely more work. I kept going back and forth about finding another job. Part of me wanted to stay to be near her, part of me wanted to go to get away from her. But none of it was ever about work.

    I like my job generally, it's just getting to be not much fun anymore. Too much work and a new boss who doesn't know anything. I don't want to go but I don't know how to stay. The only people in the world who are remotely "friends" are my co-workers and I know that when I or anyone else leaves, that will be just one less person in my life. I'm not good at keeping friendships going. And if I leave, my entire social network is gone. Never mind the fact that I'm scared to go anywhere else. I'm very good at my job, but I'm very good at MY job. I don't know if I'm any good at another job. It's just work and it's just a paycheck, it doesn't define me, but it's just so scary moving on after almost 5 years with the company.

    I used to be a consultant and never worked anywhere for more than 6 months and that was great. Now I feel old and run down. I'm tired of working.

    Which I guess is why I'm back here. I keep think about "what's the point." I don't want to go on another 20 years, doing the same stuff, for the same kinds of companies, making friends and then losing them, getting up every morning to trudge into some sterile office building and sit in a cube. That's no kind of life. But I don't know what else I'd rather do. This is what I'm trained for.

    The only thing that ever seems to make me smile, without fail, are animals. And I don't want to train to be a vet or a tech. I don't want to see animals in pain. But working at a kennel, while it might be fun, doesn't pay that much.

    So, I feel like my life is basically over, why not just make it official. I know, most of this is probably mid-life crisis, but... damn! Why is life so hard? Where is the fucking instruction manual, that will tell me on page 468, second paragraph, here's what you do when life stops being fun. That's all of chapter 15, if you need to know.

    On the slightly brighter side, I heard back from the counselor that I contacted. I have an appointment for next Monday. I should probably also hit up the dentist, the doctor and get my eyes checked, since I still have insurance. I should start making my contingency plan as well. I have everything about my suicide planned out down to the letter, it's just doing it. But if for some reason, I don't, I should probably have another plan about what to do instead.

    So, anyway. Sorry.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Why not try to work at a kennel then if you think it might be fun?
    You say life has stopped being fun well what did you used to do for fun? Try making more time in your life to have fun. Go to the park!
    Do you have any hobbies?
    Watch a funny movie. Anything!
  3. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I had another post on here where someone suggested taking classes or joining clubs and that was great advice and I plan to follow it.

    I guess the guy leaving just has me thinking about my own future job and career prospects. And the fact that my job is about all I have to speak of, if it went away everything would go away. I know I need more balance in my life in areas that don't involve my job or career. I used to do fun things, it's just been a long time.

    I don't have any hobbies that I'm active in. I used to play guitar and tried to learn Spanish and French. I used to travel a lot, but that's become painful, both because of cost and trying to jump through all the hoops.

    I have all the time in the world for fun, I just tend to work. Seems like work is all I have, which is why this guy leaving is causing me problems. Because it's a decent job, it just takes up most of my life. His leaving has me thinking. He actually just called to let me know that he knows a recruiter who is looking to hire quickly. You never know.

    Thanks! I'll see about watching something funny tonight and get back on the horse tomorrow. I appreciate your input and support!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thinking about change can always be unsettling. Perhaps you have locked yourself into this job because it is familiar and you know you are successful at it. the unknown can bring feelings of anxiety. I hope you learn to take time out for yourself and do something just for you that is not related to your work.
  5. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    It's funny... sort of. I've taken personality tests and they always say that I enjoy change and relish the opportunity to change. But I don't. I'm not generally afraid of change, but I don't "like" it. I do know I NEED change right now, but it does cause some anxiety.

    I've been exercising a little bit too much lately. Stress at work it through the roof, so that was my coping mechanism, but I realize that I've been over training. Tired, sore, cranky, can't sleep. I get that occasionally and usually assume it's just stress or anxiety. I scale back my workouts and I always end up feeling a little better after a few days. I'm thinking that it's the training not the stress.

    I guess I'm just at that point where I have to ask, "Is this all there is?" My life has become too comfortable and I guess I need something different. But that's what I've never liked about self-help type books. They all assume you know what you want but you don't know how to get it. I don't even know what I want.

    Again, thanks for the support and input!