I had planned to step away from this forum because I was feeling a lot better about my crush issue. I kind of "figured it out" and wanted to try to enjoy life a bit while I was feeling so good and NOT wanting to kill myself. But like all things in life... there just seems to be more. I'm not having a problem with the crush anymore. Minor pain while I sort the final bits out, but mostly done. Now it's just everything else. I think while I was having my little fantasy relationship with her I was able to put the rest of my life on hold and not worry about it. Now that she's gone, I have all this other crap. I feel stuck. I read somewhere that when you feel stuck it's often because one part of your life is dominating. So, for a while it was her that was dominating. Today it's work. A guy from my team submitted his resignation today. We've had management shakeups and layoffs and I think we're all just tired and overworked. And now likely more work. I kept going back and forth about finding another job. Part of me wanted to stay to be near her, part of me wanted to go to get away from her. But none of it was ever about work. I like my job generally, it's just getting to be not much fun anymore. Too much work and a new boss who doesn't know anything. I don't want to go but I don't know how to stay. The only people in the world who are remotely "friends" are my co-workers and I know that when I or anyone else leaves, that will be just one less person in my life. I'm not good at keeping friendships going. And if I leave, my entire social network is gone. Never mind the fact that I'm scared to go anywhere else. I'm very good at my job, but I'm very good at MY job. I don't know if I'm any good at another job. It's just work and it's just a paycheck, it doesn't define me, but it's just so scary moving on after almost 5 years with the company. I used to be a consultant and never worked anywhere for more than 6 months and that was great. Now I feel old and run down. I'm tired of working. Which I guess is why I'm back here. I keep think about "what's the point." I don't want to go on another 20 years, doing the same stuff, for the same kinds of companies, making friends and then losing them, getting up every morning to trudge into some sterile office building and sit in a cube. That's no kind of life. But I don't know what else I'd rather do. This is what I'm trained for. The only thing that ever seems to make me smile, without fail, are animals. And I don't want to train to be a vet or a tech. I don't want to see animals in pain. But working at a kennel, while it might be fun, doesn't pay that much. So, I feel like my life is basically over, why not just make it official. I know, most of this is probably mid-life crisis, but... damn! Why is life so hard? Where is the fucking instruction manual, that will tell me on page 468, second paragraph, here's what you do when life stops being fun. That's all of chapter 15, if you need to know. On the slightly brighter side, I heard back from the counselor that I contacted. I have an appointment for next Monday. I should probably also hit up the dentist, the doctor and get my eyes checked, since I still have insurance. I should start making my contingency plan as well. I have everything about my suicide planned out down to the letter, it's just doing it. But if for some reason, I don't, I should probably have another plan about what to do instead. So, anyway. Sorry.