Hello all I know compared to most people i am actually very lucky. I currently have a reasonably paid job, and 4 year old daughter and a loving partner of 15 years. we have a mortgage and although we have other debt it is not massive and we are getting it steadily down. I am 42. however even with my circumstances so good , i am constantly getting suicidal thoughts and suffer from depression. I spent 5 years in professional therapy for anxiety and depression but have not seen a therapist for 2 years. I know quite a lot about mental illness ( i am currently completing a mental health correspondance course) and quite a lot about suicide (i have attended courses run by the Samaritans on suicide intervention). Thing is a feel totally depressed by the society we live in and i know my position is extremely perilous. I left school at 16 with only 4 GSCE's i have no collage education and no professional qualifications. I know that if i ever lose my job that will be it- The end. If i cannot banish these thoughts now they will completely overwhelm me if i get laid off. in the current world this a realistic threat for pretty much everyone. There are big changes coming in my current role that might mean a reduction in staff but this is at least 18 months away. i recently applied and got a new job within my new company but became overwhelmed by a total crisis of confidence and did not take it. it was very different from what i currently do. I am terrified of the future.I am one step away from oblivion and it is one step i have no control over. I cannot comprehend the thought of being unemployed and letting my family down and losing our house and what being forced in a society of minimum wages and zero hours contracts would mean for us. i would rather die than face that reality as it would at least mean financial security for my family. My daughter would understand one day. I have been through professional therapy and although i have got a grip on the worst of my anxiety i know it will never stop my mental health issues. i exercise regularly and i know all the things you are supposed to do to combat these types of thoughts. i have done all of them. everyday i see more and more news stories about families living off food banks , university graduates forced into low paid jobs, Job centres that are not fit for purpose and companies treating their staff more and more appallingly. Not me , i will not go down that road. The day i get laid off will the signal that it is time.