Dear Ex... *triggering as sin*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by RainbowChaser, Apr 27, 2007.

  1. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Part of me would love to say "how are you doing?" at this point, but I've got to the point where part of me couldn't really care less. I'm here to tell you how I'm doing, to tell you things that I've kept in for far too long.

    You hurt me. Oh yes, you've heard that before, but I bet you think it's from splitting up with me or all the ignoring me you've done since. Yes they hurt, but that's not what this is about. This is about the 13 months of hell I put myself through just to be with you, the 13 months you just threw away without noticing that.

    You hurt me on our very first date. You know what you did, in the park? Could you not see the fear in my eyes? And for the record, your hand frigging hurt, you couldn't have been more rough with me if you'd tried. Why do you think I barely did anything when you made me touch you? I didn't want it, any of it. I definately didn't want the 13 months of nightmares (where I got to wake up from them only to see the face of the person who hurt me) and the months since that I got. All this in a public place, you bastard. And then what happened when I took you home to meet my dad - do you really think I wanted you to do that after he'd gone to bed? I can't even go in my dad's front room now, thanks.

    After that, yes, I did do things for you, but more because I thought I'd lose you if I didn't. Yes, I'll admit that that was stupid. I dropped all my morals at that point because I was scared that no-one else would ever accept me. And wow, did you abuse that at times.

    Making me give you a blow job at that party - I told you to damn well stop as best I could with that in my mouth, and we both know what happened because of that don't we? You pushed it too far and I threw up outside that tent and had to pretend that I'd eaten too much, because everyone knew that I hadn't drunk much. I had to pretend that I was a greedy cow just to protect you!

    And that time at my friend's house - I had to apologise to you after you'd scared me so badly? What the hell? I told you I wanted to snuggle, not have sex, and you still ended up all over me. Why couldn't you have come down to me - got your arse out of that bed and asked me why I'd put my knickers on and grabbed my shirt and legged it the hell out of the room, instead of waiting there for me to come back and apologise? You bastard.

    And as for that time I was talking about Julia at my uni place... You knew I was upset, I was crying my damn eyes out, why the hell did you have to do it then? Saying it was because I was beautiful while I was crying... What the fuck sort of excuse is that?

    Never mind all the times I just needed a cuddle for comfort and you decided that feeling me up was more appropriate.

    Your mum told you never to hurt me, right? Well you did. You caused my damn breakdown. Yes uni was stressful, but it would have been alot easier without the constant damn nightmares, the nightmares of you doing that all over again, your voice saying "what I wouldn't do for a johnny and a bed right now"... What was I, a piece of meat to you or something? You don't say that to someone if you're planning on having a relationship with them, you fucker.

    And go on, tell your friends about this letter, I dare you. Just like you did with everything else I told you that I wanted kept between you and me. You know what, I haven't told anyone the full extent of what happened on our first date, and it's been nearly two years now. Because of you telling all your friends everything about me, I'm seen as a psycho by them. Well maybe I should finally tell all my friends about you - then they can see you as an attacker, maybe even a rapist. A bit extreme? Not really compared to what your friends think of me.

    Part of me wants to say sorry, but this is how I feel. This is what I dealt with for the 13 months we were together. I thought you were worth it. You obviously wouldn't have said the same if it had been the other way round - you've proved that already.

    Stupidly enough I still care, which is why I'll probably never tell anyone the full story. But at least now you know what caused me to be the way I was, the way I am. Even if you said sorry, I still have to deal with what's happened, so I'm not going to ask you for that. I'm going to ask you for an ounce of understanding. I don't know if I'm even worth that to you.

    I still care, and I would still do anything to help you. I guess that that's something that will always be.

    Always here
  2. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    :mad: :sad: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Hope it felt good to write that at least...
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it does abit, but now I'm tired again :laugh:

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you got it out, Sammie :hug: :hug:
    and good to hear it helped a little :cheekkiss

    You know my MSN and my pm inbox is also always open hun xxx
  5. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Thanks hunny :hug:
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I hope you feel better now hun :hug: :hug:
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Thanks :hug: I'm actually starting to wonder whether it would be a good idea to send it to him or not...
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Well, just think about it for now, might make you feel more releif, but it's upto you wether you want to send it or not. Good luck with deciding, if you ever need to talk please know i'm here for you. :hug:
  9. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I don't think I could send it :sad: Oh well...
  10. :hug: but you wrote it, and thats the main thing :) x
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The fact that you were able to put it down in writing and finally let someone know is a good thing sammie. Someday you may still want to go back and put the things you left out in here. Whether it goes any further or not is a decision you can make sometime in the future. There is so much of this I understand it almost scares me to read it. I could probably put some things in you left out. Know that you are not alone. I am glad you did finally share what you wee able to hun. Please take care and know that you are in my thoughts. :hug:
  12. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I was lucky - the stuff that's here is probably the worst stuff. I could have written more I guess, but they weren't so important to me as these.
  13. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Everything seems to be pointing to the same thing - I didn't fight it. And it's killing me inside.
  14. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Darling, don't start blaming yourself. He abused you. He was in a position of power over you and he knew it and he took advantage of it.

    I'd say more but I'm triggering myself writing this because I blame myself and it's making me actually think.

    But just know that you are not at fault here. He is, and he should be castrated with a melon baller x x x
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are the victim here. So you didn't fight it. You said you didn't want to. That should be enough. Besides, fighting could have led to even more complications. Victims tend to blame themselves with the "I should haves...." when in all reality they are doing what they must to merely survive. You weren't lucky hun. There is no luck in abuse.It is not always the severity of the abuse or the violence involved with it that is so traumatizing. You are in my thoughts sammie. I understand. :hug:
  16. I am surprised and amazed you are still willing to speak with him, at least in some way. He definately treated you horribly, yet you are showing to be the better person in this. :hug:
  17. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Staying with him for 13 months after the initial incident wasn't something I had to do to survive. I could have hit him and run home. Hell I could have screamed, there were people in the tennis courts not even 100 yards away who had a pretty unobstructed view of what was going on - they might not have helped, but it would have been enough to stop him. I could have told people after the event, I could have dumped him - there are loads of things I could have done but didn't.

    At this point I have to admit that it is my fault, and that sending this letter (or even just him seeing this thread) would only cause him more unecessary hurt. I can't hurt him again :sad:
  18. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    No, I was the worst possible girlfriend he could have asked for... All I do is upset him by trying to talk to him because of that. I deserve to be ignored by him now, all I ever did was cause him trouble.

    How could I be the better person? I was never good enough for him.
  19. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    hun HE was the one who did wrong, not you :hug: :hug:
  20. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    But I never gave him enough of what he wanted. I should have done. He deserved so much better than me.