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Dear Father...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by blackriver981, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. blackriver981

    blackriver981 Member

    A little background for the interested: I'm 19 and I've been adopted for almost a year. My birth parents were abusive and my sister raised me. She died a while back. I've known my adoptive parents for several years and we've been living as parents and son for a while now. (For the purpose of clarification, the sister that raised me is the only one who isn't referred to as a birth relative.)
    My parents are amazing people. The love I have for them is pretty much endless but there's something digging at me that I can't shake.
    Because I had a motherly figure in my sister, I didn't necessarily have that kind of void but I spent my whole life craving a father figure. Looking back, a lot of reckless things I did probably stemmed from the lack of having a decent male figure. I wanted it so badly but accepted that I'd never have it and had come to terms with it until my dad became my dad, so to speak. I know, kind of off the wall.
    Everything was about as kosher as possible until a couple weeks ago when my dad just comes off and tells me that while he does love me, he doesn't love me the way he loves "his own kids." The whole statement cut deep but those three words practically cracked me in half. His own kids. Something I thought he saw me as.
    I didn't do this whole father/son thing by myself. I mean, I couldn't have. It was mutual. I never let myself progress with him in any way that he didn't in some way give me the okay to. I worked hard to take down walls with him because he wanted "all or nothing" because it "can't be both ways" - which I understood.
    When this all came to be reality, I couldn't get enough of it. Despite being a grown man, I'd do absolutely anything he told me to, no matter how ridiculous.
    The adoption isn't legal but I even went ahead and changed my name because his son was killed years ago and he had no one to carry on the family name. I wanted to be linked to him that way. I guess it's my way of demonstrating love by works.
    He also told me that that could possibly change in time. I guess I have a man complex because before him, every male in my life (my supposed birth father, my brothers from my birth family, other male relatives, so-called friends) burned me, except for one friend who died suddenly a year ago.
    "Possibly in time." I put everything on this and I feel like a fucking idiot. I kept my space and I eventually had to tell him. We talked about it and the conclusion is the same. I'd never ask him to claim to feel something he doesn't. I don't mean to put him on the spot. I just feel like I got pulled out only to get dropped. I look at pictures of my sister and brother (his "real" kids) and I feel mixed emotions - longing, jealousy, you name it. I hate the green monster but I'm becoming the green monster.
    I put it aside and let it slide because I had no choice but it keeps digging at me. If this was what it is, he should've never claimed me as his son. At that point it really wouldn't have hurt my feelings. Like I said, I never took a step that he didn't somehow encourage or otherwise approve.
    I was visiting my grandmother with my mother the day after he said that to me and while talking about something else, my grandmother points out that "you just don't love your kids different" and it rocked me. If he knew that he doesn't love me the same way, he should've never acted like it was the same. I understand that these bonds take time, but he should've been honest.

    I love him dearly and I'd do anything not to be different. It eats at me every day and I don't know what to do or how to deal with this. I guess I'm a big idiot but this just hurts. I wish he had never told me. Granted, when he goes to mention his dead son or tell a story about him and says "my son" he'll correct himself sometimes, replacing it with "my other son" but it just feels so fake. To me, if he's so inclined to phrase things that way or come across that way in general ("my own kids," etc) it's because that's the way you truly feel and that's fine. I just wish I hadn't gotten so wrapped up.
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    hello Blackriver,

    Welcome at SF. I hope sharing your story here brought you some relief. Building relationships take a lot of time. Maybe getting some counseling for you and your father could help. From what you wrote, he seems like he keep trying to reach out to you as well.
  3. blackriver981

    blackriver981 Member

    I know they do. I just can't help but wonder if his efforts are only because he feels some kind of obligation now. I mean, I know he liked the idea of having another son to do things with after almost two decades... I just don't think he thought about what he was getting himself into. He knows that I'm pretty wrapped up in this. I just wish he'd be honest with himself and with me. As much as it does hurt, I still prefer the ugly truth to a beautifully constructed lie.
    The funny thing is that I have bigger problems (logistically speaking) but this one takes the cake right now. Weird much?
    It's just nice to let it out somewhere. My mother knows almost all of this and she doesn't like it and she doesn't understand why he'd up and say something like that, but even she acts like I did this by myself. It just doesn't seem fair.