Dear 'god', your neglect hurts.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Raphael1, Sep 17, 2012.

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  1. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    yeah I'm writing this as like a letter to god.

    I guess it's not just neglect it's downright meanness, curses, and punishment isn't it?

    Feel generally neglected by this life though. I'm 26 and never got to have my girlfriend or to have kids. But everyone I use to know, their kids are growing up and going through the childhood that doesn't seem all that long ago from when I was kids with them. They have a lot of fun, diverse experience. I don't know what the purpose is of being so alone is suppose to be, but i feel kind of feel cheated. Not just cheated of companionship but of life experience. I'm not a bad person and I think I deserve much more than I ended up with. Like not even one relationship that I can have? Even my parents have had relationships after they split up. They are not even bad looking or anything. Everyone in my entire family have lived lives where they had these things and got relatively good genes. For some reason I am left out of the loop. I'm not sure why I'm so ignored by everyone as I thought I was quite normal. But these days I definitely keep to myself because I'm just not taken seriously by anyone at all. I usually know straight away when I get along with someone there is no effort involved. Yet, that hasnt really happened often. Everyone seems to see right through me like I don't exist or if I ever say something it doesn't count for much. I can't exactly work out why that is.

    I'm not going to end my life or anything like that because I don't see the purpose in doing that, and that would be wrong. But that's not to say I feel unjustly treated by my life and wondering where my true friends even are? I don't get why I have to go through things so alone, an everyone else with less morals, or less critical thinking, less everything, gets like more things given to them in their life, even though some of them act extremely irresponsible. And yet I'm the one without anything I just don't get how that is suppose to be fair or just.

    Maybe life isn't just, Maybe god is just a control freak who likes tormenting those who he doesn't particually like. Maybe he just plays games and is on a big huge power trip.
    That would explain a lot of NDE's people have had. Some of the things I have herd from those who have had NDE's. How could you do that to them? On the other hand maybe that is just the brain or physical body as it dies, and that there really is nothing after death. Once we don't have a physical body anymore it could just be that we cease to exist. All this life, could be just one strange complex accident of events through eternity. And that would explain why there is no sense of justice in my life. Because it has nothing to do with justice, things just happen, without a purpose, and without anyone really caring about you. There is no-one special that understands or really cares or loves me. Why would there be? You would have to earn that first. I am just born here for some reason and i don't even know why or how I got here. I don't even know what is true and what isn't, or what is to come next. I am just aware of peoples torment, and the potential for great torment to come. It's really quite strange and messed up. I think reality should have some sort of structure or order. We should be able to understand it properly. Something is very very wrong, for this to be happening I recon. It doesn't seem appropriate at all.

    It takes a lot of courage and real integrity to say well I am the one that will take care of myself and look to myself. Not to some god or someone else for dependancy. If that means not going to heaven or being stuck in a horrible place. Well then I'm glad because atleast I have my own integrity not bowing down to something, and if god torments me for that I know Im choosing correctly because I don't want to be with a god that doesn't respect the fact that I consider god and everything else equal to my own value. What can anything do that I could not also do or have the potential for? I won't accept a lesser place. If god can't stand the fact that I consider myself a god to, that I am inherintly everything that god is too. Then I don't want to be 'friends' with that kind of that narcissistic attitude. I have my own thoughts and if you want to force things on me and try control me, ok fine. But It doesn't mean you have my soul only I will ever have my soul, no matter what you do to me. I want to keep my soul as I am me. Whatever torment you inflict on me is the price I am willing to pay for standing up for myself, for keeping my soul as my own. And if you want to be that selfish and hateful that you have to put me in such a dark place for that. Then i really feel sorry for you. Despite the high pedastil of power you seem to inflict over me and everyone else.

    I think its really awful too, that you would seperate me from the one person I truly love, from no fault of our own other than you torment on us. And that's not the first time you have done that is it. If you really want me to get to know you, than make an effort to get to know me. Cause you being giving me nothing but the short end of the stick and it's time we faced that. Your acting like a spoilt little brat in the sky, and you obviously have no idea what is good for me. If your not going to meet me half way and endlessly torment than you cannot possibly expect me to want to get to know you. When hate is directed at me and such curses I'm not going to bow down to hatred and infliction of endless pain am I? you want me to love you, when you inflict hate is that it? When I am friends with someone it doesn't work that way. Look at what you do to me, when you act nicer, than I will respond better, obviously. It's not that I hate you, I just can't support what you seem to be doing, not just to me but others. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that you are abusing a lot of people. You should really be ashamed that so many people are suffering such horrific things, and you want to claim to be the position of god? Please.....You can't even look after your subjects without them getting tormented. So excuse me if I respect myself.

    Amen!
     
  2. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    P.S

    Don't try and blame my own free will, on my or others torment. We didn't choose some of the horrible things that happen to us, and the things you inflict. It just doesn't hold water and you know it. If you think I will let you get away with it. I won't be. I may be small, weak, powerless at the current time. but sooner or later I may just rise up against you on equal footing. Then what will you have to say for yourself? Do you think I will have mercy on you because I will just end up punishing you the same way you punished me when I was down. Fair is fair lord. There is all eternity for this to catch up with you. I have all eternity to get my justice you know.

    Remember that time that murder victim prayed to his murderer to give him more time, that the lord might save him. And the iceman agreed, and he let you have time to save him. Well you did absolutely nothing didn't you. You let that guy die. Even though the murderer himself gave you an opportunity. You wanted to see him Dead. You are worse than the guy who did that. Your inaction is a testimony to your compliance with such things. When I figure out how you have achieved such power over me and others, and when I figure out how to have that same power, you are going to wish that you did things a little different believe me. I know that you have imprisioned me and that this is all a trap and a deception. So I am aware of it. Sooner or later we will escape. And how dare you kill someone that you call your son in your name, and try and make us feel guilty for it. That is just awful you know. And what's worse is you try and use it to say there is an easy way out, that you don't actually have to do anything but accept someone elses sacrifice, and then your all better? What in the hell are you thinking exactly? I don't want someone else to die for an mistakes I make I never asked for that sacrifice. You are on a guilt trip and that's pure maniulation. You want to act all holy and loving, such a thing is not fooling me okay?

    Amen!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2012
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