Dear Jerk counsellor man....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by thaliapage, Dec 4, 2010.

  1. thaliapage

    thaliapage Member

    Its okay, I get it now even more so than I ever have.

    I was right the first time when I said that you dont understand, right in thinking that you dont care – even if you are paid to pretend to. I was trying to believe that eventually you would start to listen, that maybe you would figure it out – but I realise now that unless I write it so plainly, you not even going to bother – right now you just think I'm wasting your time, and I guess your right. I already feel as though I'm making this all up, I'm functioning to a degree; so I must be fine right?

    Trouble is I dont really want to say it in so little words – the thought of saying it so outright scares me. Your not suppose to talk about thinks like that. And at the moment I dont trust you enough – you could have listened to what I was saying, and I mean really listened. You could have written more than three line replies. And yes, I understand that in reality I'm not deserving of anything, let alone the three lines that you did write. That I am worthless and shouldn’t expect people to care. But seriously, all I was doing was looking for a little hope – a little something to show me that I am not a worthless as I see myself as. But I get it now. I really am that worthless. I am that much of a waste of space.

    I dont understand what I was suppose to do – everyone says that when your struggling you need to reach out. You need to ask for help. And I did that. I dont understand how everytime I try, I always get told that I'm just being too pedantic or that I'm faking, or made to feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I feel so stupid for letting you in, for even trying to believe that you would actually listen – and I told you thats what I wanted, that maybe I was just wanting someone to listen before January. That all I was asking for, and no one could even do that.

    Seriously, I dont even think that my last email got read beyond the second paragraph. And yeah, I understand that it was exrubently long and probably tedious to read. But really, you still could have tried to read it. Why do you always focus on the non-essential ramblings. But even that you didn’t listen to properly. I didn’t ask if you think I'm using a different name – I asked if you belied me when I said that I wasn’t ringing multiple times under different names. Theres a difference. And seriously, is “your voice sounds familiar, have you been ringing up multiple times under a different name?” such a common question?

    And really, of course you didn’t think “wow thalia really sucks at making conversation” because in the end they were my words and even I dont think like that, its more violent, more demeaning. But you would have though something along those lines. Would have got annoyed at me for wasting time, for not talking – and you cant really expect me to believe that you didn’t, I’ve been fired from jobs for the amount of words that I speak, I’ve come so close to failing subjects because I dont talk – how can you reasonably expect me to believe that the conversation went fine?

    And you keep asking the same questions over and over. Ive already told you want i want, I’ve told you that I dont know what I want out of my degree. Ive told you numerous times that I not isolated, and really ive given up trying to tell you anymore – you’re not going to listen anyways.

    I understand that it must be tedious seeing me email week after week about nothing. That I probably wouldn’t want to listen to me either. And I'm sorry to have put you though it. No one should have to listen to the crap that spills out of my mouth.

    But somewhere deep down there a part of me that wants someone to realise this before January, and so I guess ill show you how much you missed – mainly because I'm probably never going to sent this, and if I do I’ll probably be so drunk that I wont really remember why I am so angery at you. But mostly because it’s too late – you wont get this before mid January, and unless I decide to graduate, I'm not going to be here anymore. So I’ll show you what you missed in these emails, and maybe then you’ll see..

    Taking all classes (that I can) off campus so that I do have to see anyone, that I don’t have to pretend to fit in the world that I should have left years ago.

    No matter how hard I try, or how much effort I put into things, I just end up failing, I just end up with more proof that I am not meant to be here

    I can’t remember the question three seconds after it’s asked and can’t think of anything – like my mind runs away and all I know is that the room goes red

    I am finished my degree. And I don’t care. I don’t care that it almost killed me to get here

    And everyone keeps telling me that I cant do this. Everyone knows how much I'm going to fail at this. That I'm not supposed to be here. It’s that obvious that this world isn’t for me. I don’t belong here

    I want to go to bed and sleep forever – because I know in the end that’s how its going to turn out.

    No. There’s nothing to be proud of. And I don’t really understand what people are happy about

    ... why would I deserve to live as much as everyone else? I don’t have anything to offer anyone. I'm not good at anything, I have no skills. All I do is cause people pain and waste space.

    not getting into 4th year at another uni, it gives me a reason, proof that I don’t belong. And it gives them a reason to understand; something concrete. Because even if they don’t really care now, guilt can skew perceptions – and at least this way there is something to understand.

    It [my head] keeps telling be that I don’t have to let anyone know that I got an offer, no one has to know. It can be a secret. The other unis won’t accept you – that can be your proof. Getting into uni proves nothing – your still going to fail, still going to be the fundamentally flawed ***** that you are. Might as well still wait for the rejection letters – we’ll have proof then. ​

    Do you get it now?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so hard to bare your soul and feel like you are not heard...had that happen to me and I was so much in rage...I always felt it was me...I did not communicate it well; I do not deserve a response; I was hopeless...when in reality, it was the other person...I would say to myself, "just damn well listen and you can help me"...I realized, that no matter what the person's job is, ppl are ppl and they all have varying degrees of wisdom...tell your therapist what it felt like after the email and what you want...maybe that will help...sorry you feel this way, and know you deserve to be heard...J
  3. thaliapage

    thaliapage Member

    but appart from wanting him to listen, i dont know what i want. not in words anyway, i dont know how to explain it..
    and i feel like a compleate jerk for even wanting anything at all. really, i should just be grateful that he replied at all.

    and i cant tell him now anyway, he's on holidays till the new year, and then it will take 2-3 weeks for a reply, it which case its too late. like i said, unless i decide to graduate (which has its benifits because after that im off in another state for a couple of days, which means no one i know will find me), im not going to be here.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Does he have anyone who covers for him while he is away? Also, so deserve better...especially since you are in so much pain...please get care while he is away if you need it...PM me if you need any sipport...big hugs, J